A Hot Mess

I talk a little about the lovely mess of poly, gearing up for Great Date’s Big Great Date, and developments with Traveler, including moving in together.. kinda.

ambivilentA fun little fact of dating, fucking, and loving multiple people is how many feelings you can feel at once. I haven’t talked too much about Traveler on the blog because Great Date reads it.  That’s not an issue really, as we end up telling each other everything, but I feel weird writing some things when I know he’ll read it.  I prefer to tell him things when I can see his face and wrap my arms around him.  It’s not that Great Date is a sensitive flower,  but he is a human and I love him.  So, I personally find it hard to talk about some stuff.  But yeah.. that’s why it may seem sort of sudden and jarring when I share developments I’m having with Traveler… like the latest. 

It’s this.  We got a playspace together.  I mentioned it before, but suddenly it’s real.  It’s a room in a townhouse with three floors.  Our floor is on the bottom with a bathroom, laundry and back yard.  The living room and kitchen reside on the main floor above, and two roommate rooms and a bath above that.  It’s a small room, just big enough to fit my Queen bed and a few items.  It’s private though and it’s mine ours.  The idea was proposed that Traveler wanted to chip in to get another playspace so he and I can have our dates and I could use it as an escape valve while Hubby and I work out our differences.  I’m deeply grateful but also touched by the way Traveler talks about the room.

moving inHe  thinks it’s worthwhile to invest a little in us, so that he and I can have a a place to be together and to be comfortable in together.  He said he’d like to see me a little more.  I liked the sound of that.  I liked the sound of that a lot.   This is seeing him some weeks twice a week and still always once a week at least, and a playspace makes this both cheaper and nicer.

It’s a nice development.  We sat down and made a plan for if things didn’t work out, because we are pragmatists, and I like that too.  I like our slow slow slow development and the undramatic ease.  I love him.  I love his company and our time together and fucking him.  I love his quiet calm and his affection.  And I like this thing… that we signed a one year lease.

Meanwhile….

Things with Hubby are slowly creeping forward with some growth and good.  He is in individual counseling and I think he’s trying.  Our counseling is going well, and we’re unraveling some of our dynamics that don’t work.  My job this week is to try to think of ways he can show concern and carry that burden and his is to think of ways I could show hope and help carry his.  The positive trend lightens my spirits a little.  It just started, that he is being a little nice to me, but I like that kind of trend starting.cautiously optimistic

and also Meanwhile…

Great Date has his first BIG date with his new potential relationship girl.  It’s date THREE.  I am all over the map about this.  It is all a matter of perspective.  Sometimes, when my insecurity is flared I feel scared.   I’m scared that he will be like Hubby, and I will lose his love and affection or maybe just keep a token as she becomes the next big thing and replaces me.  I’m scared that she lives 10 minutes away from him.

I’m scared that they have no plan really to control for NRE (infatuation) and he will be swept away, seeing her constantly with no control.  I’m scared I will lose his love and attention.  I’m scared that HE will one day tell me that he’s just so consumed with her that there is nothing left.  It makes me feel weak.  I want to run away and not care.  I want to be a tough girl and just go fuck someone because I don’t care.  I want to say “whatever” and sashay away.

And then.. then I shift my perspective a little.  Great Date is poly, like me.  I love Hubby and Great Date and Traveler.  As I fell in love with Traveler and continue to do so, I don’t in any way want to replace Great Date. I never find myself wishing I was with X when I am with Y.  I get very different things from my relationships with Great Date and Traveler and Hubby.   Hell.. last week I was hoping to fuck a Dom from OKC or thinking about a nice Friends with Benefits with another OKC guy.  (Sadly the Dom and I weren’t a good match, and I’m thinking the OKC guy and I just aren’t too).  I’ve also recently entertained the idea of a steamy affair with a lovely Canadian woman.

I love Great Date and not a bit of my desire for others makes it any less.  My relationship with Great Date is  wonderful.  It’s not in threat.  I don’t want to replace him, and when I think about it this way, I know he doesn’t want to replace me either.  Loving this doesn’t mean not loving that.  It’s not a either/or thing.  Great Date is like ME.

Tonight, when I am having fun with Hubby, Great Date will be cuddling with and laughing with and quite possibly fucking his beautiful new date, and you know.. that’s a good thing.  He loved and held and fucked me Wednesday and Thursday and will again Saturday.  We had some epic sex these last two days.  He wants me as I want him, and he wants her too as I want Traveler.

If she’s amazing in bed… that’s okay.  So is Traveler, and that is fine, isn’t it?  I absolutely love fucking and touching and holding Traveler.  When I think about how much I love Great Date I actually HOPE he has a wonderful night tonight.  When I think of how smart and funny and sweet and thoughtful and just.. toe curlingly amazing he is.. I WANT him to have a great time now and at other times with beautiful and amazing people that are worthy of him.

trustI am happy with our relationship and love and sex.  Would I ever really want him to just sit at home alone, waiting for me?  No.  I love him.  If he can date or love or fuck others and have good times, and he still wants me, then I have very little issue with it.  In those moments, I say to myself what seemed out of the question in another life..

“I love my boyfriend so much that I hope his date is lovely tonight and that she fucks him silly and then holds him, because he deserves it”.

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