I met PolyV, Great Date’s new gal, yesterday. She’s lovely. He was right too, she’s prettier than her OKC pics. She seems lovely inside and out actually. Go Great Date!
She told Great Date she’d like to talk to me, when he told her a teensy bit of how I was struggling a bit, and that he’d like to temporarily limit their dating time to two days a week or less, including coffees dinners and working together from home. This is a temporary thing he did to help me have a little time to adjust and to have them go just a little slower for a little while.
As it turns out this is hardly a gigantic sacrifice because really she hasn’t got the time for lots more meetups and dates and chill sessions. She’s a busy gal. This first week was a very unusual thing. She’s married with a live in boyfriend and two kids. The idea to sometimes work together from home is more of a way to be sure she could see more of him if they hit it off because she doesn’t have like 4 nights free a week anyway. Also Great Date has zero intention of seeing anyone four times a week right away. That would be nuts for him too. He’d also like his relationships to build slowly and well. And they both said that seeing someone that much right away would be a bad idea if they wanted to keep liking each other and not burn out. THANK THE LUCKY STARS.
So, PolyV and I talked a good bit last night. We hit it off (to steal a random Great Date expression) like a house on fire. Minutes into meeting we were gabbing like old friends. She expressed a desire to date Great Date with an eye on accommodating my needs as well. I felt odd about that and tried to beg off but she made a good case. This is both wonderfully generous and smart. The girl has been poly a while. She knows that none of us are dating in a vacuum and we DO affect each other, whether we want to acknowledge it or not. When you date someone, you ARE dating the things they hold dear.
RollerGirl calls it the spider web. Poly relationships and groups become these webs of interconnections… friends and lovers, metamours, girlfriends, wives, husbands, boyfriends, whatever. Huge jarring things to one strand effect the other strands. She is right, and pretty much all the people I’ve talked to who have been doing this a while talk about it. It’s like the expression of “Happy Wife Happy Life” multiplied by 14.
So, if you are remotely intelligent, you proceed with more caution in dating if one or both of you are poly. Singles out there may be able to afford to just jump into quick associations and make a big splash, because it really affects relatively few people, except maybe your friends if you’ve ignored them. Poly people aren’t like this. We are not islands. If you’d like to keep your existing stuff and build more stuff you move nice and slow and set your foundations well. If you want to fuck up your new relationships AND lose your lovers you run off with abandon. (See the early days of this blog for why.. hehehe)
Still.. it means a lot to me that Great Date suggested the slowing and that she was willing and eager to accommodate. Basically it means these are the kind of people I want to have as boyfriends or my boyfriend’s lovers.
I still felt weird about asking for something from THEIR relationship. I don’t want to insert myself and I don’t get a vote in Great Date’s affairs. I wouldn’t want someone to be heavily weighing in on my relationships either. If I was dating someone and their other was making demands and having constant issues and getting all up in our relationship, and they allowed their partner to do it, I’d dump them. I do not want to be one of THOSE chicks. I voiced my concern that I felt grateful but bad that I had affected them and she kinda set me straight.
There is a WORLD of difference between asking for what you need and want while working on your own emotions and reactions, and making lists of arbitrary demands to control others for your own comfort and to protect “us” from “them”. Generally it’s a good idea to try to ask your partners to help you problem solve to see how a need can be met. Maybe you just need some reassurance or a little extra smooching, or maybe you need a temporary alteration to things or a small concession. It’s good to to allow your partner’s other partners the freedom to weigh in on things that affect them. Their needs matter too, of course. They are whole and real people too.
But here’s the deal. There is really nothing wrong with asking for what you need and for being a person who has needs. You will not likely get everything exactly as you wish it, but you can find ways to meet your needs, but only if you share them. PolyV wouldn’t want to date a person who didn’t consider their partner’s feelings or make small concessions and she’s happy to make them. I feel the same way. I would never want to date someone or conduct myself in a way that I caused great pain to someone else or made things really hard on someone if I could help the situation. See.. communication! Damn you bane of the poly existence! (And bless you salve for my soul)
And the deal is too, that while I would resent Great Date demanding I do this or don’t do that with this person or that person, I would happily make concessions to make him feel more comfortable. Sometimes it doesn’t work out exactly as they wish, but I still want to work to help meet their needs from the situation.
So.. she’s lovely, level-headed, good, cute, funny, easy to talk to, and very warm and welcoming and pretty into my honey. Good. I like him being with quality people who are worthy of him. They’re starting out as friends who have sex and seeing where they go from there. (her words)
Good. I hope it’s fun and that they have a nice time. Yeah. Maybe I’d Like It If My Boyfriend Fucked Her. Now there’s a sentence you just don’t type every day.