Turns out he didn't break up with me

Turns out he didn’t break up with me in a text.

Great Date has been one of the best relationships of my life.  He’s an amazing man and I’m lucky to have spent time with him and I love him.  Even casual readers will know how devastating this is.  If you’re shocked, don’t feel bad.  I’m shocked too.  I have never been more honest or more vulnerable or more real.  I have never enjoyed that level of acceptance and love.  This is by far one of the most painful things of my life.

I can’t and don’t want to delve too far into what happened, but I need to say something I can’t really say in life, with people who know both of us.  I don’t want to hurt his reputation or him mine.  I want to think we can be mature and kind.  I love him.  I can’t turn it off like a light.  I just love him so fucking much and I don’t want to hurt him.  It kills me to think of that, but I’m not stupid.  I know this hurts him.

Yesterday was a clusterfuck.  Great Date has a problem, something he’s been working on, and it just came to a head.  I had all these hopes, because he’s been talking about taking action, and even went once to a see a professional for help.  It’s a hard thing.  He doesn’t want it to be this way any more than I do, but it is what it is.

Depending on who you talked to, this started about a week ago or a long time ago.  I say it started a week or so ago.  I had spent 5 days working through really hard stuff, insecurity and jealousy.  It challenging.  Great Date has had bouts of this too, and I thought we did a good job handling it.  I hated crying and being emotional.  I was never angry and admitted the entire time that I knew this was MY issue.  He was supportive and helpful.  He did his usual thing of over-sharing at times, but I know who and what he is and love him for it.  It made things harder, but I wouldn’t trade the good side of that coin with him.  He is real.  He is honest and genuine and unfiltered, and most of the time that’s not a bad thing.  Thankfully he’s a good-hearted person.  It would be horrible if he wasn’t.

So, I had known about their sexual chemistry and how tight PolyV’s pussy was.  I had known about how much he liked cuddling her a little and how much he wanted her, and about the sexual likes and interests they shared.  It was fucking hard to process and I was unlovely at times doing it.  Whatever.  I felt we did it really well, considering.  It was scary and we’d gotten through it and were closer for it.  I thought.

Then he went to DC for business and I mentioned in passing that I had been checking out Doms on Craigslist.  We’d had a few days of really difficult talks.  I was emotional.. He was emotional.  It was so puzzling.  He had realizations and it changed some things.  I felt judged and was so puzzled because it wasn’t like him.  I didn’t know where any of this was coming from.  I could not reason with him.  He was utterly unreasonable.  It was totally exhausting for both of us.

And here’s the thing.  I think a lot of this was because of the big old sword over his head.. this other thing he has to deal with.  He’d been struggling for weeks.  He’s hadn’t been honest and I hadn’t asked, mostly because I was afraid to know for sure I think, but it was clear to me.  I knew when he’d been off and could tell the next day in his mood and the way he’d talk.  He wouldn’t make sense.  He’d stop being responsive and sound slurry even in text.  It had exploded spectacularly the week before after a misunderstanding with PolyV.  It just.. came to a head.. and then again.

I don’t know what happened Friday or why he sent his non-sensical messages at 3 am to me and PolyV.  He’d been odd all that morning, not answering texts and giving spotty answers when he did.  He just never showed and he’d been up at 1130 and 1200.  PolyV told me she’d talked to him on an off most of the morning.  I don’t know, even now, why he was being odd.  Then it really hit the fan.  He cancelled our date, refused to talk to me, would not call me or answer my calls and got wicked drunk.  It was just.. awful.  I thought he’d broken up with me via text.  He insists he didn’t and I have no choice to believe him.  It just started this whole thing though when I believed he had.

I saw that this thing hanging over him- this thing that he’s struggling with- is killing his life and us.  I just.. can’t do it any more.  I hate it.  I despise it and it’s killing me, but I have to step out of the way.  I don’t know.  Maybe if he lost more it’d be enough.  Maybe he’d get clear and change.  You know?  Maybe even if I never got to enjoy it with him, maybe there was a tiny chance I could be part of what brought him that clarity then it would be worth is to hurt this way.  I just have this feeling that I have to let go for a while.. be a friend but not jump back in there.  I can’t just stop loving him.

I can’t imagine not holding him  or kissing him or telling him 20 times a day how much I love him.  It may likely cost me the chance of ever being with him and having what we have now at some later date if I step back this way, and that is so cruel and so awful, but I have to step back for him and for me.  I can’t imagine how we’ll make it through this.  I love him so very much and the missing him is just awful.  A million times today I wanted to talk to him about all of this.  We were actually talking to each other, supporting each other earlier, even in this.  God, I miss him.

2 Comments

  1. Pingback: Why Does Sex Hurt Me So Much Every Time? » How To Be Great At Sex | How To Hot Sex

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