I woke up crying today. I miss Great Date so much. This is killing me. I just want him.
I want to call him up and say to forget this whole stepping back thing because I can’t do it. I want to jump in my car, un-showered and puffy-faced and drive to his house, walk in his door, and crawl in bed with him. I just want him.
I can’t stop crying. I can’t imagine not holding him and kissing him. I can’t imagine not talking to him all day. This is the cruelest, most awful thing. I want him. Every selfish fiber of me wants my bull back. I want to eat Popsicles with him and watch Game of Thrones. I want to walk with him and cuddle. I want to hold him and hold him and hold him. I feel like a piece of me was ripped off and I can’t stop bleeding.
I want to people watch and have our meandering conversations. I want his smell and touch and taste. I just want him. I want to be with him and I don’t care what is right.
Except here’s the fucking rub. I think that would be bad for him. I think I am holding him back and that he needs to deal with this thing over his head or we will never be okay and never work anyway. I can’t watch him die. I can’t watch him do this over and over. I can’t watch him suffer. I love him and want him to be really and truly free and happy. And I think that if I just go back that he won’t or can’t. I think the best thing I could do for him right now is to be his friend.
I keep trying to find that loophole though. I keep trying to find a way to be with him. This is fucking killing me. I haven’t showered and have barely slept. I have spent the last two days crying and then feeling dead, crying and then feeling dead. I just want him.