Want

I woke up crying today.  I miss Great Date so much.  This is killing me.  I just want him.

I want to call him up and say to forget this whole stepping back thing because I can’t do it.  I want to jump in my car, un-showered and puffy-faced and drive to his house, walk in his door, and crawl in bed with him.  I just want him.

I can’t stop crying.  I can’t imagine not holding him and kissing him.  I can’t imagine not talking to him all day.  This is the cruelest, most awful thing.  I want him.  Every selfish fiber of me wants my bull back.  I want to eat Popsicles with him and watch Game of Thrones.  I want to walk with him and cuddle.  I want to hold him and hold him and hold him.  I feel like a piece of me was ripped off and I can’t stop bleeding.

I want to people watch and have our meandering conversations.  I want his smell and touch and taste.  I just want him.  I want to be with him and I don’t care what is right.

Except here’s the fucking rub.  I think that would be bad for him.  I think I am holding him back and that he needs to deal with this thing over his head or we will never be okay and never work anyway.  I can’t watch him die.  I can’t watch him do this over and over.  I can’t watch him suffer.  I love him and want him to be really and truly free and happy.  And I think that if I just go back that he won’t or can’t.  I think the best thing I could do for him right now is to be his friend.

I keep trying to find that loophole though.  I keep trying to find a way to be with him.  This is fucking killing me.  I haven’t showered and have barely slept.  I have spent the last two days crying and then feeling dead, crying and then feeling dead.  I just want him.

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