If I were alone.. really alone

I had a realization that came out of being dumped in a text, even if I wasn’t actually dumped in a text.  Apparently I misunderstood it.  Anyway.. I BELIEVED it, and for the day and a half that I believed it, it carried realizations.

I thought he just ended it, just like that.  To me, to have it ended so abruptly and so callously in a text meant that I really was out there alone.  Because no one who felt as I do could EVER do that.  It was.. in short.. exactly what I am afraid of.  I thought “THIS is why I hate telling people I love them.  THIS.”

I held it together for a bit.  I had to see it finally.  He had cancelled our date and been totally incomprehensible.  He had then broken up with me.. in a mother fucking text.  I was helping Traveler clean his kitchen to try to make up for wasting his day waiting for Great Date, and I was finishing up by scrubbing the stove top.  I had almost cried a few times and I just didn’t want to cry.  I read the break-up text just as I’d read each prior gut-punch and I went back to scrubbing.  I couldn’t see.  I felt like I couldn’t breathe.  I broke.  I cried like an animal.

Traveler led me to his couch and held me while I soaked his shirt.  I couldn’t stop crying till I gasped for breath and my face was swollen.  I told Traveler when I finished crying that this is why I don’t tell people that I love them.  I felt horrible.  I was reeling pretty much all of Saturday.  It was not until mid Sunday that I actually worked out when happened and that Great Date hadn’t actually meant to break up with me.  (It took a little longer to convince my loved ones who’d read the text).

The realization I had was this… I was okay.  It was excruciating and tragic.  I was very sad and angry and hurt, but in the end.. I knew I’d be okay.  It’s not like I previously thought I would die, but still.  I had feelings, but I knew they were temporary.

I  was so afraid of what it would be like to lose those I loved.  I worried about it.  It drove part of why I put up with Hubby’s rotten and inexcusable behavior for so long before standing up for myself.  It was why I let my lovers say “fuck you” or “fuck off” to me with impunity, why I put up with Kinky Boy’s shenanigans for longer than I should have,and why I’d been so afraid to let go.  I felt something rise in me and I remembered.  I don’t know exactly how or why or when, but I had forgotten something important.  It was a battle-cry.

worthI don’t need Great Date.  I don’t need Hubby.  I don’t need Traveler.  I don’t need any of them singularly or collectively.  I don’t need them at all.  Losing Great Date like that had knocked me to my knees and I had seen clearly that I was okay and would be okay.

It was like the first time I flew after gettting PTSD.  I had all these difficulties with the idea of flying and it was one of the last areas I worked on.  The very idea of being locked in the plane… *shudder*.  Then my Dad died and I had to fly.  It was the worst flight ever… rerouted, stuck in the air on on the tarmac for hours.  We ran out of food and water and weren’t allowed to use the bathroom.  We had to stay in our seats for 5 hours longer than planned.  It was EVERYTHING I feared about flying, and you know it was awful and uncomfortable but I was OK.  I didn’t die or choke or flip out.  I was released from my fear of flying just like that.

I don’t need a relationship.  And there is a lot of stuff that goes with that.  If I don’t need you and I choose you, If I don’t have to have you but want you, then it’s okay to not accept the unacceptable.  I don’t have to crawl on glass to keep any relationship.  I don’t have to put up with bad behavior.  If my lover is treating me poorly I can call them on it or refuse to be treated that way.  I can  stand up for myself, because even if I did lose them over that, I would be okay.  And if it it is habitual and constant or they don’t want to work it out, I can see that this relationship isn’t for me and I will be okay.  

Obviously no person is perfect and forgiveness and working on things are still important, but I am important too.  I just felt this welling up.  Who is this girl who would accept a lover saying “Fuck you” or “Fuck off” or screaming in my face?  Why on Earth would I let them rail at me and yell at me and say mean and hurtful things and just take it?  I don’t need them and I have PLENTY of options, including being alone, because I am whole in myself.  It’s something I know and have known a long time, but this was another layer and a reminder, an awakening to myself.

Great Date and I are kind of backing off for now.  We aren’t having overnights and sexy time dates for a while for my protection.  I can’t just jump back in there again like nothing happened.  It’s not a punishment but a caution.  I will need to see evidence to trust again, and actual effort and change that lasts longer than when all the bad is fresh.  I need to see sustained change, and you know… that’s okay.

Great Date is still dating his new gal, and she was there the day after kissing and snuggling.  They are exchanging playlists and he went to her house today to meet and reassure her family and he’ll probably see her Wednesday and other days too.  I do fear that I will be replaced by the easy new girl while I am needing something harder and more sure, but that’s okay.  If I am so easy to replace that I am not worth more than a few weeks of proof to Great Date then he isn’t the man I thought he was and we don’t have what I thought we did and that’s too bad.. FOR HIM.  I’m valuable and I bring a lot to the table, more than my sex, more than my sweet ass and my luscious sexuality, more than my humor and my intelligence and my decency.  I bring a lot to the table.  I am valuable and I remembered it and that means I don’t need you but I might want you, if you are valuable.  If you are valuable, as Great Date is and may be, and as Traveler and Hubby are, I might want you and I might choose you.  I’m not so fickle my affections are derailed by any distraction and I hope my partners aren’t that fickle too,  But you know.. if they are.. well.. that’s their loss.  I remembered I’m valuable and I deserve people who know my value.  So.. if nothing else, there is that.

2 Comments

  1. Pingback: Sexy Mishaps! | seattlepolychick

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