Letting Go of Great Date

I went to Great Date’s house tonight to break up with him face to face. I love him.. I love him to my very core, but I had to let him go. I will not trash him here or anywhere else, and I do not hate him or wish him any ill. I love him. But I will tell as accurate a truth as I can without sharing anything I think he’d be uncomfortable with. He is now okay with his drinking being known publicly, so I will talk a little about that however. To people that actually know him I will simply say it didn’t work out, even though we love each other. I need it to be clear- Great Date is not a hopeless drunk or an asshole. He’s an intelligent, handsome, caring, loving, sensual man with a drinking problem. I have one too. I’ve been sober over 20 years, and I sobered up as a teenager.

drunk 1

Some readers may well remember that I said he broke up with me in a text last weekend in a kind of drunken upset. The next day he said that he hadn’t broken up with me in that text and explained what had happened. He’d had a lovely date and then decided a few drinks might be nice. It had kicked off a day and a half drinking spree where he missed a lunch with Traveler and I that he’d been long requesting, cancelled a date, said a bunch of not cool stuff, and broke up with me in a text, or at least texted what seemed like a break up.

The next morning we talked for a long time. It was clarified that he didn’t intend to break up with me and that he’d had a major slip up with drinking. I told him that I needed to step back and take a break, and that I would need to see how he handled this time to determine if I could still be in a relationship with him. He had a date that next night and we didn’t talk. I spent the better part of Sunday night and Monday crying on my couch. I then had a kind of breakthrough, where I’d realized I would be okay and that it was okay. I blogged about that too. This past Monday night, Great Date sought help and didn’t like the source all that much.

Tuesday he was again with PolyV for a bit and we had a tough conversation later that night. Somewhere in here he confessed that he’d been drinking on and off since his last major slip that I had known about. Some very unlovely stuff had happened. He’d understood that that he had a problem and made a plan to get help (much like the time before) . He had not followed through on that plan nor the one before)

drunk 3Somehow, maybe in my love for him and my desire to be with him, I had quickly forgiven those earlier times and wanted to think he’d be okay. At one point I thought he might have drank and I didn’t call him on it. God help me, that was wrong. He had said the next day that he needed help and he would try counseling. I gave him the name of a counselor and when he was unable to get in the building he emailed her and left, rather than calling her to let him in. She responded later to his email and he didn’t read it. He asked a couple of times for another source of help and was given the source a few times. He got drunk the weekend before last when a date was screwed up with PolyV and said he would go to the place for help the next (last week’s) Monday. He didn’t. He didn’t go to any help over that week and then had the drunken fiasco mentioned above last weekend. Thus why I had to step back, not have any sexy dates for a bit. He’d had two benders, a week apart.

So, this week he went to that first source of help and didn’t like it much but talked to Hubby and decided to give it another shot. He spent the rest of his time focused on dating, and it’s his life, but that gave me pause. He said he planned to work on his sobriety one night a week, either at that local source he’d found or another place. He said he would eat right and work out and would be seeking socializing and getting out the house by both dating and hanging out at the sober sort of dating club. He said he would not be getting help more often and wasn’t going to be “all devoted” to getting sober. He said he didn’t want to be lonely and isolated. It felt like he was punishing me for standing back. Later this week he said he might go for help up to twice a week after he tried another place for help that he liked better.

This was good, but there was still the matter of trust. He had lied when he told me he was meeting the Christian Mom from OKC at a coffee shop. They met at a bar, where they both got drunk and went back to his house and fucked. He told me they had met for coffee and gone to his place and fucked, but not that they had been drunk or where they’d really planned to meet. He told me, to my face, that he’d been surprised too when they’d fucked after a coffee meet and greet. I had thought it was safe sex and wasn’t too disturbed at the time. It disturbs me now that he lied about it.

He had planned to meet PolyV at a bar for their first date too, and had told me proudly how he was looking out for his sobriety and HE’D asked HER to go to coffee shop. That was false. He’d invited her out to drinks and she’d made it a coffee shop.

drunk 2A number of times when I’d asked him what he’d done the night before he’d lied to me. He got drunk instantly when he and PolyV quarreled. He drank at lunch at work some times. He cleaned up and covered his tracks before our dates, airing out the house and washing everything. When I’d asked him how it was going he’d said “It’s tough” or “I’m struggling” and I thought he meant he meant it was uncomfortable to stay sober.

His lies had been about and around drinking and he’d been pretty damn honest about most everything else, almost to a fault.  I’m not saying hes a completely dishonest person. But I had this nagging at me. He lied to me… many many many times. He lied to my face. He lied to me in text and on the phone. He lied about his plans for dates and he lied about what happened on dates when we talked after.

And I realized.. I can’t trust him. I was so clueless. He’d made me the asshole. This amazingly honest relationship, the most honest and open of my life, was a lie.

As we were on hold and falling apart he kept telling me about developments with him and PolyV. He told me about his plans to date and meet other girls. I was dying, waiting for him to get it.. to get what he was and get help. He told me PolyV didn’t see the point of me standing back (which i cleared up with her). He told me how she wanted to do all the things he and I had been talking about doing but that’d he’d try to do certain ones with me first, if we were really together again.  It felt like a punishment that I had to miss him and crave him and he would replace me if I didn’t come back. It was unbelievably painful to watch him just forge on while we were on hold and to be spending all this energy on dating while he ticked like a bomb.

I realized I would need to really let him go. I felt like I couldn’t trust him and I couldn’t be with him in another half-measure at sobriety, and his once or twice a week attempts to be active in getting sober with dating as a life-building exercise wouldn’t work. And I couldn’t stand there apart, next to him, watching all of it and not being with him. It breaks my heart and I think it breaks his too.

Sometimes there really aren’t any good choices.

And the really really really honest truth? I hope he gets it. I know he can and I hope he will. He’s an amazing man and I love him and may always love him. I’d like to run into him at some sober event some day and ask him out. I’d like to catch up and fall in love again, and I’d still like to spend my life with him. If there were such a thing as soulmates, he would be mine.

The odds are that this is just my silly dream and I’m a smart girl who knows better. I know how these things usually end and I’ve buried more than a few friends. Alcoholism is a mother fucker. This was my first romantic relationship lost to alcohol but by far not my first lost love. Not a fan. I buried my father, friends, sponsees, mentors, and family. Nicely played, you sneaky cunning baffling powerful shit-hole of a disease. You cost me Great Date and I will not forget.

alcoholic death 4I love you Great Date and I miss you like a limb.

10 Comments

  1. Fuckin alcohol. God, this is awful, especially because I’m currently in a relationship where alcohol does come up as an issue. My partner’s a borderline alcoholic and it’s become something that we both know needs to change or else the relationship will not work. Sorry to hear about this. Wish you happiness to come 🙂

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  2. *clarification- Great Date was not cavalier in lying and was actually lying out of shame. If my description seems like that was fun for him, I apologize. Also, he was never a daily drinker and didn’t drink that often at lunch. Further, he wanted to do better at this and was “screaming for help” but all the help given wasn’t things he felt he could do at the time. *
    I wanted to be clear and honest, and much of his feedback was clarifying, so I wanted to share it. Also, I did not give up on him, because as a sober person I couldn’t be with someone struggling. When he said he was struggling I would ask if there was anything to do to help and would again suggest help. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to. It was that he could not accept it at the time.

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  3. It takes strength and courage to take this step. From the sounds of it, you are doing the right thing. It isn’t Great Date’s fault that he’s sick, but if he isn’t able to get help, then the best thing you can do is protect yourself and pray for him. I’ve been in similar situations and it’s always hell.

    Hoping for the best.

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