I never thought I would say it. I’m not feeling very sexual all of a sudden.
I try to always kiss on the first date, a little smooch test to see how the chemistry is. This has not been the case with TexDom. I met TexDom a few weeks ago online at OK Cupid. Actually.. no… it was before that. He sent a message and I responded and it just kinda dropped. Then a few weeks ago he popped up again with another message. He was really funny and it was a good message so I responded. We got to chatting, exchanged more info and developed some interest.
Turns out he was a dom of sorts.. not a dom dom.. With the pagentry and pomp and going to kink clubs and all of that kinda dom. He’s not really a dom, but he likes doing some very dominant kinky sex things. Smart, funny, cute, kinky….Yay!
We met at a coffee shop and had a puzzling but totally pleasant date. He’s a little hard to pin down on what he is looking for. He said he likes to develop friends and then sometimes things develop with those friends. He’s had simultaneous serious girlfriends before, and has had long term FWB and short term FWB situations. He seems anti-casual and anti one-night-stands and keeps saying how he is really interested in friendship, but is all flirty and sexy too.
So, we have this date, chatting awesomely. He comments a couple of times that he finds me attractive and says once I made him hard. We exchange some very very nice chat. We walk down to go to dinner and I realize how late it is and think of my dogs at home and that I need to catch the next ferry. He walks me to my car, and gives me a chaste hug. Huh.
So, I reschedule with him and he comes to my little island for sushi. Great conversation, killer sushi.. no smoochie. It was me again though. Suddenly thinking to check the ferry schedule I realize if he doesn’t leave now he’ll miss the ferry. I was tired from so little sleep the night before, but it was odd of me frankly. I just.. I felt that a kiss or whatever would be wrong. It took me a little while to figure it out. I made him feel weird and I felt weird.
I think maybe I’m just heartbroken. I can’t imagine feeling for anyone what I feel for Great Date. I’m not so dumb as to think the connection between us was either common or everyday. We only broke up 3 days ago, so I guess it’s understandable how raw and hard this is. I’ve been crying myself to sleep sometimes.
The part that is odd to me, however, is that before we broke up I was interested in a slightly more casual thing with a kinky guy. Like, two weeks ago I was getting fairly good sex and was so in love, and I was open to fun. Now, still having virtually no physical contact with Hubby, and seeing only Traveler, and feeling an overwhelming loneliness and loss, I can’t seem to muster passion for passion worthy people. It’s shocking, but I just don’t really want new sex.
What it seems I really want is more friendship and affection. My aching for Hubby has intensified, but isn’t really sexual. I’m so heartbroken there too. I spent a lunch with RollerGirl, and she told me about a bad dream, and the part where they were cuddle sleeping and in her sleep she pushed him away grated on my tender heart like a cheese grater. I can’t remember when we last cuddle slept, but I’m sure it wasn’t this decade. I have a hard time picturing him being so affectionate. I think that all but died maybe 2 years in. The last time I really asked for snuggles he played a game on his phone, holding it up behind my head. He will hug me or kiss me on demand or spontaneously, but he doesn’t really snuggle and he sure the fuck doesn’t cuddle sleep with me.
I think I’m gonna ask RollerGirl to stop talking to me about Hubby’s affection. It’s just so fucking hard to hear about. So, yeah. I’m wanting to laugh and talk and snuggle, and I miss Great Date terribly. Oh how the mighty tough girls have fallen.