It's Too Soon for Sex

I never thought I would say it. I’m not feeling very sexual all of a sudden.

friendsI generally go fairly quickly with people I date and want to have sex with. When I am attracted and they are attracted and we’ve chatted a bit, met, had a few dates.. Shazam.

I try to always kiss on the first date, a little smooch test to see how the chemistry is. This has not been the case with TexDom. I met TexDom a few weeks ago online at OK Cupid. Actually.. no… it was before that. He sent a message and I responded and it just kinda dropped. Then a few weeks ago he popped up again with another message. He was really funny and it was a good message so I responded. We got to chatting, exchanged more info and developed some interest.

Turns out he was a dom of sorts.. not a dom dom.. With the pagentry and pomp and going to kink clubs and all of that kinda dom.  He’s not really a dom, but he likes doing some very dominant kinky sex things. Smart, funny, cute, kinky….Yay!

We met at a coffee shop and had a puzzling but totally pleasant date. He’s a little hard to pin down on what he is looking for. He said he likes to develop friends and then sometimes things develop with those friends. He’s had simultaneous serious girlfriends before, and has had long term FWB and short term FWB situations. He seems anti-casual and anti one-night-stands and keeps saying how he is really interested in friendship, but is all flirty and sexy too.

So, we have this date, chatting awesomely. He comments a couple of times that he finds me attractive and says once I made him hard. We exchange some very very nice chat. We walk down to go to dinner and I realize how late it is and think of my dogs at home and that I need to catch the next ferry. He walks me to my car, and gives me a chaste hug. Huh.

So, I reschedule with him and he comes to my little island for sushi. Great conversation, killer sushi.. no smoochie. It was me again though. Suddenly thinking to check the ferry schedule I realize if he doesn’t leave now he’ll miss the ferry. I was tired from so little sleep the night before, but it was odd of me frankly. I just.. I felt that a kiss or whatever would be wrong. It took me a little while to figure it out. I made him feel weird and I felt weird.

I think maybe I’m just heartbroken. I can’t imagine feeling for anyone what I feel for Great Date. I’m not so dumb as to think the connection between us was either common or everyday. We only broke up 3 days ago, so I guess it’s understandable how raw and hard this is. I’ve been crying myself to sleep sometimes.

The part that is odd to me, however, is that before we broke up I was interested in a slightly more casual thing with a kinky guy. Like, two weeks ago I was getting fairly good sex and was so in love, and I was open to fun. Now, still having virtually no physical contact with Hubby, and seeing only Traveler, and feeling an overwhelming loneliness and loss, I can’t seem to muster passion for passion worthy people. It’s shocking, but I just don’t really want new sex.

What it seems I really want is more friendship and affection. My aching for Hubby has intensified, but isn’t really sexual. I’m so heartbroken there too. I spent a lunch with RollerGirl, and she told me about a bad dream, and the part where they were cuddle sleeping and in her sleep she pushed him away grated on my tender heart like a cheese grater. I can’t remember when we last cuddle slept, but I’m sure it wasn’t this decade. I have a hard time picturing him being so affectionate. I think that all but died maybe 2 years in. The last time I really asked for snuggles he played a game on his phone, holding it up behind my head. He will hug me or kiss me on demand or spontaneously, but he doesn’t really snuggle and he sure the fuck doesn’t cuddle sleep with me.

I think I’m gonna ask RollerGirl to stop talking to me about Hubby’s affection. It’s just so fucking hard to hear about. So, yeah. I’m wanting to laugh and talk and snuggle, and I miss Great Date terribly. Oh how the mighty tough girls have fallen.


  1. It’s really hard in the beginning but it will get better. It’s been 6 weeks since the Professor and I ended things and we were arguing for a couple weeks before that. It’s FINALLY getting to the point where my depression is lifting and I’m feeling like I can make it without him. I cried almost every night for a very long time.

    My sex drive plummeted too, after some reckless stuff in the beginning. I haven’t had sex in 4 weeks now but I’m actually okay with that. The healing time really seems necessary.

    Just remember that all the stuff you are feeling is part of the stages of grief. It was really difficult for me knowing the Prof was having sex and I wasn’t when I found out but right now I’m at the point where I don’t really care what he is doing and finally things are starting to fall in place for me.

    I hate breakups and the end of relationships so much. For the longest I held onto hope that we could get back together but now I don’t know that I would want to. I know it’s cliché but there are always more people out there that will be what you are looking for and maybe even a better match for you than he was in the long run.

    When you’ve gone through the healing process you may even be in a position to be friends again, just in a different way, where you aren’t as emotionally affected. As for Roller Girl and your Hubby, it just sounds really unnecessary that they share these kinds of details with you. How painful. 😦 I couldn’t handle it either.


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