Gone

I keep having these waves, like now, where it all swells up and I can’t take it. They pass, but here I am, shaking on the boat. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I am infinitely replaceable –and forgettable. Everyone is better. Hubby finally looks up from RollerGirl, but not at me. Great Date just erases my name and plops hers right in. They are just like me, but better. They are calmer, prettier, easier, sexier, and more fun. I know this is lies but I am nothing. I am less that nothing. I never even existed. They don’t even have a space where I once was because I matter so little. I know this is wrong.. THIS is why they better. I don’t really believe this but I believe it enough at times like this. I get to stand here watching them enjoy everything I ever wanted but wasn’t good enough to get or when I got it, to keep.  I know that I’m loved, but not like that. That is only for them and even the hard won things I earned, they got with ease. Every time… Because they are better. It takes no time and no effort to usurp me, because even those things they said, tears in their eyes, were pretend. They’re pretty pretty wisps of smoke.. Gone.

6 Comments

  1. See, and then it’s passed. I want to erase it, because I’m embarrassed, but you know…no. It’s real. It’s what really happens, and maybe you too have the dark waves that crash over you. They pass… Just like that. Don’t worry. You aren’t alone. I don’t know if we’re fucked up or not, but at least I’m not the only one.

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  2. One of my professors had all these great sayings – but my favorite is: Time takes time. Sort of a koan, but very true. Time takes time but one day you will be able to look back at what you have been through and marvel at your strength.

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