Owning What's Mine

Good quote-

    “It takes two to make drama. There comes a point where you just have to ignore the other person and not let yourself feed in to their drama”.

drama llama don't feedI didn’t like a blog post but it pointed out true things.. kinda.  I’ve defended Great Date and his propensity for drama quite a bit, but I most certainly had my own drama in the last days of our relationship, so I have to own my part.

I was overly emotional and reactionary.  I was terrified of losing this thing I thought was so good.  I had a jealous time at first with PolyV.  I had a hard time dealing with others constant jealousy and insecurity.  I took on the feelings of those around me.  I became overwhelmed and didn’t handle my emotions well AT ALL.  I’m embarrassed at how effected I was and at the emotional lability I expressed. 

I don’t want to admit this stuff but I feel like you gotta own your dark.  I have never sugarcoated my actions in this blog.  I strive to be honest and to own my stuff.  I like how it makes me grow.  It’s a big thing to me.  I guess it would be easier to justify my actions, or try to pin it on others, or delete or cover up my old blogs and paint a rosier picture, but what would that really serve?  I know from my emails and comments and stuff in real life too that people relate to this stuff and I’m not the only one.   I’m working on my stuff.  I like that I help people and that you sometimes relate.  My guess is I’ll get better, as I have over time, but that I’ll never be done.  

Overall, I enjoyed my time with Great Date.   It is sad that it had to end and that I have to face this reality.  It helps that I don’t have to feel guilty for hurting him  anymore.  I’m going to focus on the good.  I loved him and it was good for a long time or we wouldn’t have loved each other so much.  He told me a million times how he loved how easy and wonderful our conversations were and how we just got each other.  It was true.  I felt the same way.  The rest of it I am letting go of, except that which I have to learn from. 

One thing I realized I needed to clear up though.  I don’t want anyone who needs help to get the wrong view.

He said I ” really wanted me to not date, to pour myself into AA, but I’m simply not wired that way. I know that a lot of AA’ers will shake their heads at this. AA lore is that you’re supposed to go to “90 meetings in 90 days.” You’re not supposed to begin any new relationships, so my nascent relationship with “Poly V” is verboten. But I’m sorry; I can’t see that as anything other than needless self-flagellation. I can’t see how isolating me from my remaining social support is going to make things better. So, my refusal to stick to AA dogma was yet another sticking point between Biker Chick and me — because I wouldn’t just make AA my life, I was only doing “half measures,” and was doomed to fail. She’s allowed to have her opinions, and honestly those opinions are fairly strongly influenced by AA dogma”

AA needs no defending from the likes of me, but well.. this is just false. 

1) AA says absolutely NOTHING about dating or not dating in any of it’s books or pamphlets.  It is considered an “outside issue” and something AA has no opinion on.  AA never suggests people break up or don’t have sex or any other such nonsense.  It is in NO WAY AA policy, dogma or even practice to say people should not date.  It IS treatment center dogma to not date for the first year and many treatment centers, especially Hazeldon, and those based on it suggest this kind of ban.  Some people who have been to a lot of treatment centers say this sort of thing.  It is also popular in sober movies and such, but you know.. you really shouldn’t believe everything you see on TV.  I have attended AA meetings in 14 states and 4 countries for 22 years and in NONE Of them is it AA practice or dogma to tell people to break up with or not date people.  I think the treatment centers might say it because people are kinda nuts at first.. being drunks and/or newly sober, so it may in fact be a good idea, but it’s not AA.

2) I dated the entire time I got sober.  I joke all the time that I got sober by dating sober dudes (jokingly called 13 stepping).  Hey, it got me to go to meetings.  I have never told a anyone they should not date, ever.  Dozens of my sponsees will attest to this as will all of my sponsors.  Dating doesn’t get people drunk and not dating will not keep you sober.  I said this to Great Date a LOT. 

3) I never suggested he not date or break up with anyone.  I told him and PolyV both that I didn’t think they should stop dating when they each asked.  I told them both I felt horrible even asking them to go slow.  I told him I thought his plan for sobriety of one to two AA meetings a week and building a social life by dating wasn’t a good plan, but not because of some AA dogma.  He outlined this plan to me and to PolyV.  I think, personally, and not as a member of AA, that there are better ways to build a social life (like friends?  activities?  meetups? stuff in addition to dating?) and most drunks seem to benefit from more that one support per week in the beginning.  But, you know.. that’s just me.  I personally would have recommended a few more meetings and more social outlets combined with dating.  PolyV is a good source of support and I’d recommend he kept dating her too.  No matter how I stated it, it was always seen so black or white.  I wasn’t saying don’t date.  I’m dating too.  I wasn’t saying no casual sex.  I’d like a little myself.  I was saying do more than just date.  He kept saying he didn’t want to stay home because he would get drunk and that dating was the only way he knew to socialize.  He drank on a lot of his dates, so I hoped he’d learn to socialize and make friends too.  I was suggesting a plan that involved MORE than dating.  That, and I selfishly missed him because I had stepped back.  I didn’t want to stand by watching him do nothing but date and go to one or two meetings.  That last bit was my issue and not his.

3) The only thing I ever asked, or actually agreed that I wanted when he offered it, was that he limit his contact at first to one to two times per week with PolyV at first, as he and I had done, to build slowly and carefully.  I was fearful and I appreciated their help.  I was a total basket case frankly and I appreciated he and PolyV understanding at the time. 

4) The rest of it I will let lay.  It’s not my business to defend myself from someone’s blog accusations.  It wouldn’t do any good.

I wish all good things for Great Date, and I loved him, but I’m finally able to really let him go and I’m grateful.  I’ve had a few dark waves here and there when I felt guilty and I’ve suffered the loss, but I know I did the right thing.  I’ll be okay.  He’ll be okay.  We’ll all be okay.

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