I think this is the last post specifically about Great Date. He has asked me today to not talk about him any more in my blog. Honestly, I’ve agonized about this a bit, but I think I’m going to try to honor it. I will try not to talk about him. I have deleted everything that had his real name, further severing our ties. Great Date suggested I should just write about topics and not write about my life. He said he plans to do this and has made his blog private. I don’t know if that will last.
When I first began the blog I worried a little about blogging about love and my life. I talked to all the people I include. They were all aware of the blog and its content though only Great Date and Roller Girl have ever read it. I wrote a post about this some time ago and how I came to peace with talking about my lovers and loves with their permission.
I wanted to write a blog that was personal and true. I didn’t want to just have the happy shiny bits in it. Real life is messy and I’ve included my own mess and others because this is reality. I wanted an outlet for all this sex and love and poly and open stuff and I liked that it would be out there for others to find and to engage now and then in conversation. I also like the objective feedback and camaraderie of my fellow bloggers. I love comments and likes, and I love when someone subscribes. I DO like numbers and stats and growth. But it is not and has never been just for numbers. They thrill me, I’ll admit, but they are extra.
This blog has become a treasured thing to me. I know it’s only a silly little blog and not likely to ever have the attraction or readership of those REAL blogs out there, but it feels valuable to me. I feel like I am writing something unique because it is personal. I’m shocked and grateful anyone reads it, and I like writing it for you. I like that I might help someone or that someone might relate, or think about, or be helped or even just amused by my writing. I am thrilled by your emails (the address is on my “about” page). I’m not saying it’s a piece of art, but it feels almost like one to me, a thing I created.. with.. me. I’ve poured so much of myself into this “canvas”. Feel free to laugh.
I thought about scrapping it all and starting another. I thought about being much more general or not writing about my life, but that’s not what I do and that’s not why I write it. I’m not interested in waxing on about my opinions, though of course I talk about my opinions. I’d rather talk about my experiences. I have written with the express permission of the people in my life. Great Date himself was more than happy to let me write about him, telling me I could “say anything, so long as it is true”. I think that was easier when it was fun. Here is a portion of his comment to the earlier post I mentioned above. It’s a good example of how I feel about my this blog.
“…I’ve really been reconsidering rewording some of my older posts in order to make them “kinder,” but then my voice wouldn’t be my own any more…anyone who goes there will have to know that it’s brutally honest (hopefully not dropping the “honest” part) and not always “nice.”…So… dilemma. I’m going to try to do as you are — walk the line between openness and sensitivity.
I don’t think this is exclusively a poly problem, by the way. I bet that an author who writes, say, a biography has the same issues — how do you treat someone who behaved in a way that would be embarrassing to read about? Do you not include the story? Do you gloss over it or “church it up?” Or do you just write about it as honestly as possible and trust the people involved to be able to deal with it? See, it has nothing to do with poly, and everything to do with writing publicly. Poly just means that love and sex are involved, and that ALWAYS complicates things.” (You can read his full comment at the post above)
It DOES complicate things. Can you imagine how difficult it would have been to write where a current lover could read it about the night Kinky Boy bound me to my dining room table, dribbled my body with honey and licked it clean, going down on me for nearly a half hour, reveling in me, till I begged him to stop, and then dribbled me with hot wax and fisted and fucked me? I had to just say it was a great weekend and he was “deliciously kinky”.
I walk that line between openness and sensitivity and it’s a tough line to walk. I have often struggled, as I imagine biographers do. How can I talk about my experience and what this is like without telling the truth about what the people around me are doing? What if they are only okay with me talking about the great things they do in detail? If I glossed over Great Date’s drinking or our lack of trust due to its resulting lies it would not honor what happened to end what I considered a great relationship. Even though I edited and edited it and told him I would write it beforehand and got his permission to talk about the drinking and the lies, it was still a thing that caused issue. A blog may be a poor excuse for a biography, but I am writing a biography nonetheless. So, if you see him missing.. cut.. cut.. cut.. you know why.
I’m still not sure how this sits with me, but here I go. Goodbye Great Date, Adios, Au Revoir, Ciao! It’s another tiny cut, 997 to go.