You Shouldn't Blog at 1am

I’ve come a long way in this break-up and feel a lot better.  Ironically it helped that my ex wrote a fairly unfair post.  He pretty much negated our whole relationship, said I was weird and jealous since we broke up and “always” so full of drama and that he was so much better off without me.  Hell..  I don’t TOTALLY blame him.  Our last little while together was a freakin’ drama llama circus.  I own my part.. I wrote about that already.  His post was hard to read.  I was taken aback because we’d had a nice talk the night before and scheduled a dinner as friends.  He’d told me that he wanted to keep me in his life.  I didn’t want to admit I’d been hurt by the post.  I wanted to be a tough girl who was unfazed and untouchable.

When I broke up with him it broke my heart.  I loved him.  I thought he loved me.  We said we’d try to be friends and parted amicably, hugging at the door.  He asked me not to trash him in person or in the blog and I asked him to do the same.  I admitted I’d write about what happened and said I’d talk only about the lying and the alcoholism.  We had a few nice conversations after we broke up and seemed to genuinely wish each other well.  I was grateful he had PolyV.  I hated the idea of him being alone and I was happy she could support him in the breakup.  The first person I called was her, to tell her I’d broken up with him and ask if she’d be there for him.  I was careful when talking about the breakup both to him and in the blog.  I tried to only talk about things he said he was okay with talking about publicly.  I had zero desire to trash him.

Of course he had personality flaws … like every other human on the planet.  When he wrote what he did about me, that I was a drama hurricane and that it was so much calmer and easier to be with PolyV, that hurt.  He said I acted jealous and strange.  He said I read into every remark and wasn’t okay with things I said I was okay with.  Honestly that’s not even true.  None of that is even true.

My desire was to lambast him back and to defend myself and trash him, point out all of HIS flaws and things I wouldn’t miss, things that were at least accurate, but the truth is that I know that won’t make me feel any better.  Hell, I honestly think most of what he said was because he was hurting and he’s focusing on a way to feel better.

I know that our entire relationship wasn’t melodrama.  I know that he loved me as I loved him.  I know some parts were drama.  We would not have been together as long or loved each other as much as we did if it was really that bad.  We both wrote dozens of posts about how great everything was.  His words now can’t erase that.  I saved all those posts, treasuring them.  We were happy together for a long time. He told me many times how great it was to talk to me and how I understood him.  I laughed at his absurd directness most of the time, even helping PolyV to understand it.  He told me many times how nice it was that I understood his weird honesty and found humor in it.  He talked about what a relief I was and how I relaxed him.  The exact things he said about PolyV he’d once said about me.  On the rare occasions his honesty bothered me he was quick to rectify it and I told PolyV that too.  He’s a good person with no filter.

He told me all the time how spending time with me recharged his batteries and how happy I made him.  He said he smiled all the time, and he delighted in how happy he made me too.  We both said many times how much we loved how easy it all was.  We cuddled for HOURS, so peaceful and so serene, and would talk endlessly about how amazing it was to be like that.  Often, after a hard day we’d hold each other and just sigh.. we’d talk about how it relaxed all of our muscles just to hold each other or smell our scent.  And we’d laugh over take-out food.  He marveled at how my mind went with his in our all-over-the-place conversations.  It really was good and he can’t take that away.

So, yeah, I didn’t want to admit it, and didn’t want to be an example of any kind of drama, but that post hurt.  But, here’s the thing, I think it had a good effect.  I cried for about 4 minutes and then.. I let go.  I realized I had been carrying around this guilt for hurting him, for letting go of someone I loved, this fear that I’d done the wrong thing.. that regardless of circumstances I was in love with him and he was in love with me and what we had was awesome and maybe.. maybe it was a mistake to do what I needed to do.  I knew I would be fine and I was actually doing pretty well, but I had these periodic swells as I grieved.  It was hard.  I missed him.

And like that.. he freed me.  I had been making progress and healing  and suddenly I could see that I’d done the right thing.  I could see that he would be fine and was finding a way to let it all go.  Strangely, this hurt had really helped.  I got back the compersion I had throughout most of our relationship.  I wanted him to be happy and to move on, and he was.  If he had to say that stuff to move on or to be okay, I was happy to let him do it.  I cleared up the part of his post that wasn’t about me in a comment and took ownership of my part.  I HAD had drama about PolyV as I worked through my feelings.  I did take pretty much everything too personally after his last drunk and finding out about all the lies.  I was emotional and I’m ashamed of myself.  I have not dealt well with the way my husband replaced me with RollerGirl and it was all coming out sideways.   Looking back at those last drunken weeks and that jealous time on both our parts I wanted to accept his view, that maybe it was always that way and it was never as good as things are now with PolyV for him, but that’s false.  Those times were lovely and it’s sad that they are gone,  it’s time to move on.  We had a nice brief talk today about the sunshine and our lunches.  I didn’t feel the same ache talking to him and I don’t think he did either.  It was pleasant, and maybe at some point we really can transition to friends.  I don’t know.  I have to go back to a thing I say all the time.. “All relationships are meant to be, they just aren’t all meant to be forever”.

Just something I’m thinking about at 1am and a way I am being maybe a little too honest.  I won’t like that I’ve been emotionally vulnerable when I read this tomorrow.  I’ll be embarrassed that I let it all hang out. I fear being vulnerable emotionally but I crave it too.  I know this is the stuff that really connects me to others.  So, I’m going to read this over only once, and I’m going to post it and get my lazy butt in bed.  I have a date tomorrow that I don’t want to be tired for.  Traveler and I have had some nice talks this week and I’m thinking it’s going to be a kinky one and a loving one- Just the way I like it.  🙂

3 Comments

  1. I’ve often noticed that sometimes when we are really hurt, we have to tell ourselves stories about the other person, just so we can survive and move on. I like that you pointed out that possibility in your post, that maybe he was focusing on the negatives of your relationship and inflating those moments just to be able to survive, to be happy, and to continue his life. Congrats on finding compersion amid all of this. That’s a huge step.

    Like

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