Sigh. A bunch of developments. I need to blog twice a day to keep up.
Let’s start with the good and end with the good. I’ll sandwich the bad in the sugar layers.
First, I had my second date with Cleveland. It was supposed to be just a nice little dinner. Heh. I like the chemistry with that guy. Damn. He has this one really naughty smile.. and when he kisses me, his hand wrapped tightly in my hair…
Well, we jumped the gun a little. It was lovely and he was lovely. I was off. Maybe it was the quickness with which I had accidentally pushed things. Maybe it was just that I felt like we didn’t have much time and I didn’t get a chance to explore or play. Whatever. He said it was fine and seemed okay, but I felt off. I can do better. I generally do do better. He was doing everything right.. oh man.. so right.. but I was so in my head. I kept getting close but I just couldn’t actually let go. It’s all good, and he asked before I could for us to have a real date.. like humans, where we eat food and talk and get to know one another. Thank God. I actually like him and see potential for something more fulfilling than some kind of fuck buddy thing. And to be honest I’m not super interested in a bunch of shallow connections. I’d hate to have fucked it up with the stupid chemistry. (Oh the Cadillac problem of overwhelming chemistry with a nice guy).
Now the darker bits. I came home grinning and wanted to relax with some music and make myself something to eat and play with my dogs. Logging into the computer, I saw that Hubby had left the window open on a conversation with RollerGirl. They were talking about me. Trust me.. I know it’s wrong, but I read it. I really wish I hadn’t. THIS alone is a good reason not to ever snoop and read anyone else’s anything. I hate snoops. I’ve done it before and ALWAYS regretted it. I can’t take back what I did and I can’t take back what I saw. They were talking shit about me.
RollerGirl was angry that I had written a post asking other poly people on a board how they manage a particular poly problem and said, really backhandedly and shittily that I was upset when she texts and sends pics to Hubby when we are on a date or having OUR time. I said “why would she want to make him feel bad for spending time with his wife”. In her defense that was super lame of me. I had never talked to her about this and honestly it’s not her intention to fuck up anything of mine. She’s been mightilly clear that she supports our stuff. I had talked to Hubby about it many many many many times, but I had never addressed it with RollerGirl, and frankly I could have. She respects adults communicating well and asking for what they want and need. A public board where two people she is likely to meet are is NOT the place to address such things and certainly not in the way I did it. I wanted Hubby to address it. I wanted insight and hadn’t meant to be douche, but I totally had been.
Having said that, not at all negating my wrong, the shit she said to my husband about me was also wrong. My husband jumping on the bandwagon so eagerly to trash me was also less than fun to read. God help me.. I scrolled back to the end of the conversation and then back, far back back to before the conversation. Before you lambast me, I admit this was NOT COOL of me to do.. no matter what. People should be entitled to their privacy.
It fucking killed me to read the things they said. They made fun of me and of Great Date and our relationship many many times. (That I can actually understand.. I too have found humor in stuff like that, which isn’t ok but is reality). What killed me was that pretty much weekly, including lately when I thought we were working things out, Hubby was writing about all the things he hated about me to her. Most of the time she was telling him to talk to me about it or to bring it up in counseling or trying to say maybe there was another side. But sometimes.. she wasn’t. Some of it was really mean. It was not just venting. It was the entire way Hubby sees me. It was things about why he feels interrogated every time I ask a question or show interest. It was how he thinks I’m lecturing if I share experience or talk about my view. It was the stuff behind a million tiny cuts. It was that these people said they loved me and they were family and the way they talked about me.. not just venting.. not looking for a solution sometimes.. just enjoying cutting me down.
I called Hubby while he was still there on his date with her, and I was a fucking mess. I was yelling and later crying. I was kinda a crazy person. Even as I was doing it I knew that this was a mistake. They would get off the phone and talk about how wrong I was and how unreasonable and nuts. Being emotional isn’t a good way to get people to see the rational and very real point you are making. They fucked me over… alot.. and they aren’t going to see it.
They reacted of course to me reading that stuff. I had previously admitted to both of them that these months had affected me and the breakup and the things Great Date had said and wrote.. all of it had effected me and they made fun of that too. I had told them that I felt worthless and less than sometimes. Great Date replaced me instantly with someone better and Hubby threw me away after 12 years for a woman he didn’t even know. (He knows her now.. but when he threw me away they’d been dating like.. 2 months). It’s hard evidence to ignore.
I am already struggling with and wondering if I even CAN forgive all the things Hubby has done and said, especially since he doesn’t think they were really any big deal or feel sorry for them. I realized recently that we don’t stand a chance unless I can let that stuff go. But how can I? I’m not being funny.. I really don’t know. And now, honestly, I don’t know if I even want to.
It’s just been way to long begging someone to love me. He’s finally trying but I can’t just gloss over everything. I have started to pull away too. I’m not sure I WANT to love someone who can be that mean for that long, who can call me the things he did, who can tell me to fuck off and go fuck myself, who could shame me, who could ignore me, who wasn’t there for months, who took out everything on me, who just forgot about me, who didn’t make me a priority and who told me point blank on a couple of occasions that they just didn’t have anything left for me after RollerGirl. He told me that he felt like he was cheating on her when he was loving to me.
I’m not sure he’s worth my forgiveness or that I want to give it to him if he was. It’s great that he’s trying now, contributing to cleaning the house, holding me a couple of times, kissing me every once in a while, has even getting off the phone a bunch of times to be present, and going to counseling and spending a fortune doing it. These are good things, but let’s be honest… they aren’t acts of heroism. They’re good and I AM grateful and I praise him mightilly for each one to encourage more, but they don’t actually erase 9 months of vastly more bad than good. I can’t and don’t want to gloss over what he did. I don’t know if it would help if he owned up to what happened, but it sure the fuck wouldn’t hurt.
I had a mostly good husband for 12 years and I loved him, lock stock and barrel. Maybe he’s coming back, and maybe he isn’t, but I’m not sure now if I am still here. I’m not sure I love a man who could say the things he said about me to his girlfriend. He’s not even sorry he said them, only angry I read them. He wants to forget all of this and have a nice day and I need one too so I’ll try to enjoy this one. I won’t be rash and make this decision just yet. I think I’ll try to spend a little time away this week though. I need some space.
Thankfully he didn’t come home Thursday and I had a date with Traveler last night. I let Traveler know about Cleveland
and he was really cool and supportive. I told him in a really general way what Hubby and RollerGirl had been saying about me and how I feel a little broken down right now, and he was pretty amazing. I asked him if we could just have fun and relax, and we did. We grilled steaks and listened to music and talked about work and life and laughed. We kissed and snuggled. We washed dishes and petted each other. We got coffee so we could stay up later, and he let me fuck him silly. I watched the pure joy in his face as I came again and again and again before he finally came with me.
He held me and loved me and I rubbed his sore back. He told me I was beautiful and looked right into my face and told me over and over how he loved me. We petted each other to sleep and slept entwined and soundly. We washed each other in the shower, so nurturing and loving and we kissed and kissed and kissed. I feel recharged.
Oh.. the good -the bad -the good. Now, to go have some fun.