I’m laying on the bed in my play space, and I’m realizing I’m really doing this. I’m separating from my husband. I’ve talked to a couple of people today and oddly I’m sad and it sucks, but I’m kinda.. resigned. I’m not crying or upset. I’ll be honest that I don’t know if this will stick. We said we’d just take a break and I’m staying here at my play space in the city.
I’m just honestly.. ready. I’m tired of the months of maltreatment. I’m tired of the mean comments and the jabs and the judgements. Fuck you’s and explosions, often over NOTHING. Whatever.
I’m tired of everything I do being seen in a negative light. Any question is an interrogation. Any comment a lecture. He actually got all bitchy and yelled at me when I asked him how his elbow was healing. “Why are you interrogating me about this?”. Um.. I wasn’t. Why would I? Even he can’t say why a person would interrogate another for a healing elbow. It’s ludicrous.
I could go on, about why I have finally had enough, but it’s silly and frankly quite likely boring to read. I just FINALLY see that he does not like me or respect me, and I don’t see a point in trying when that’s the case. Even when I read all the shit he said about me, and confronted him, he’s been pissed AT ME for days. The only apology he offered, yesterday, 2 days after I confronted him, was that he was sorry I’d read his private conversations and that what I read had upset me. Um. Seriously?
This is a person I’m supposedly in a loving relationship with. I get all excited and hopeful every time he snuggles me longer that 5 minutes while not simultaneously playing a game? I’m all “maybe we do have a chance” every time he cleans the house or buys me a coffee drink. I was stoked he’d actually offered me a few minutes of support when I broke up with Great Date, only to find he’d spent that day and most of the ones that followed making fun of and belittling me for grieving the loss of my relationship.
I didn’t want to leave my husband for a lot of reasons. I didn’t want to go because I know it’ll hurt my step-daughters to have another thing fall apart in their lives. I’ve been here since they were 2 and 7. I’m not dying and I can still have a relationship with them, but still. I hate that I’d affect them negatively. I hate that my dogs won’t understand. I know.. they’re dogs. But still. I hate that they won’t be able to know that I love them and it’s only that I don’t make enough money to support them.
I hate that I would be breaking a vow. I actually mean shit like that. My word is a big thing and I gave it. It will in fact be a breach of that. I know that I’ve tried. We’ve gone to counseling and I’ve tried and tried and tried. Honestly it’s taken a terrible toll. It’s a horrible thing to beg someone to treat you decently. I’ve wanted to go for a while, convinced that he just didn’t love me anymore. RollerGirl told me that he did, and I believed her. But I’m seeing that whether or not he loves me might not be the point.
I also just really wanted to think we’d work it out. I just really wanted to think the good stuff could come back. It’s that he doesn’t like me or respect me, and he doesn’t treat me well, even after many many many conversations and attempts. Reading the things he said about me.. we are just not in a shared reality.
I just.. I could not believe the way he sees me. I could not understand how little he gets me. I don’t know if he has to tell himself these things to excuse his own piss-poor behavior or if he thinks he needed to say this stuff to endear RollerGirl. (She is not impressed by assholism). I don’t know if he believes it, and you know, I don’t care. It’s been somewhere between 6 and 8 months since he’s been remotely decent to live with, and his verbal abuse started again after just stopping about a month and a half ago. I don’t have it in me to go through this again. I swallowed all I had to swallow to get this far. I tried and tried and tried and tried.
It’s not worth it.
One of the big fears I’ve had is the fear of letting go of the last of my family. My father is dead, and my brother lives far away and is distant otherwise. I never really had a big family, but Hubby and I made a family. Our children together all died, but we had our foster daughter and his daughters, and we had each other. But honestly.. what kind of a family and what kind of a partner is he? When he came to the hospital after my motorcycle accident, when I was on morphine and scared, he was PISSED at me. He was mean. Great Date was there and had to leave because it made him crazy to see Hubby mean to me when I needed him.
It scares the fuck out of me really, that I am going to be out here alone. I don’t mind being alone and am pretty independent. (military wife.. remember) Hubby was gone 8 months last year and honestly I was pretty happy. My friends have long been my family, and I guess they will be again. I don’t like it, and it sucks, but I really am going to be okay. I don’t like making these kinds of decisions, but I guess I’m grateful that I can. I have a steady, if not well paying, job. I have friends and supporters and I know that I am loveable and will find those I can connect with and love. I have a lot of love to give, and there are people out there who will appreciate it and not take it for granted or throw it away or trade it in.
It’s even now not totally certain.. I still see my boots skittering on that edge.. but I’m a pragmatist. Today it’s just a break.
It never ceases to amaze me the myriad things I can feel at once. I’m looking forward tonight to getting to know Cleveland a little more tonight and to seeing a cool poly stripping event. I have to be honest that I’m still a little confused about the plan really. We’re trying to have a proper date.. like with food and talking and wooing. I love this plan. He said he doesn’t want to “get into the pattern of *just* booty callin”. I’m hoping he’ll be comfortable making or not making moves though. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to be a good girl at the end of the night or try to be very very good at being bad. It’s not a bad thing to hope we have a great time and other kinds of bonding activities and also hope I get a crack at fucking him just a little bit better, is it? He has a big old thuddy flogger too. I HIGHLY doubt he’s bringing a kink bag at this stage, but I CAN hope, can’t I?