He admitted he replaced me for being a whore

ImageI’ve been doing okay strangely with the idea of a separation, even knowing that this usually is the way people ease into divorce.  I’ve felt resigned and settled, which has been a sign that this is a good decision.  The idea of some space, of some time where people aren’t yelling at me and angry and saying hurtful things is frankly a little enticing.

A side effect of my recent realization and remembering that I don’t have to put up with mistreatment is that I am handling mistreatment differently.  I am not owning everything.  I am owning what is mine.  I’m struggling a little not to own some stuff from yesterday’s therapy though.  Hubby made some pretty huge realizations and it was mesmerizing to hear him talk about them.  They stung, but they were true to him and it was nice to hear real realization come out of his mouth.  He wasn’t denying the truth any more. 

He used an analogy of giving all of his eggs to his partner to hold, and how he had taken the eggs away from me and given them to RollerGirl to hold when I had made him feel unsafe.  He explained that me having had a threesome with Kinky Boy and his gal (with Hubby’s permission) had made him feel unsafe.  Honestly, I hate that it made him feel that.  That totally sucks.  He also said that when he told me he wanted RollerGirl to be another primary, and how he already felt she kinda was, that my reaction to kinda mourn being his primary partner had also made him feel unsafe.

I didn’t think Hubby was conflicted about the threesome afterwards, because he and I were both dating RollerGirl and having threesomes with her.  But he was conflicted.  He felt like he couldn’t trust me anymore and he pulled away.  My sleeping with Kinky Boy, and having a threesome, made him feel like I was a slut and he could not trust me.  It was about this time that he really began to replace me.  I had seen it and I didn’t like it, but I never knew why.

He was shocked I was such a slut.  He’d known this of course.  I’d loved sex with him for 13 years.  I’d been completely honest about my past because I was tired of it coming out eventually and biting me in the ass.  I wanted to be with someone who was okay with who and what I was, and that is at least in part a girl who loves fucking.  I’d wanted a truly honest relationship and so I’d been honest about EVERYTHING.

It was hard actually.  Hubby was and is a love guy.  He’s pretty much never had casual sex in his life and he’s convinced himself to love almost every woman he has fucked.  I, on the other hand, was terrified of being hurt and spent most of my early life trying to not be in a relationship or fall in love.  I sought connections in casual sex and friends with benefits.  They felt safer.

I told Hubby about old orgies with friends and how my high school best friend/lover and I would pick up and fuck random dudes.  As in, we’d go to a hotel sometimes and see a construction crew unpacking and go up to the cutest one and tell him we’d like to fuck him.  I told him about how my later girlfriend and I would bring home men for each other to share.  I told him my numbers and stats.  I told him how I’d dump guys who said they cared about me.  There were really sick things about all of this, namely the fear.  I worked on that for a long time and started having reationships, and I told him about my relationships too.

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WHY do we do this!?!!?

I told Hubby how many of those early partners shamed me for the things I’d done, and how I learned to lie.  If I wanted someone to love me, to care about me and to accept me, I felt needed to lie.  Guys didn’t like to hear that anyone had come before them, much less how many and in what ways.  I told Hubby about how these lies had bitten me in the ass when a guy would inevitably hear of my hi-jinx.

I wrote an earlier post about this slut shaming.  It’s insane the amount of grief this has caused me.

I heard Hubby’s very real feelings yesterday.  It was nice to finally have him admit it.  He took away his loyalty from me, and he gave it to RollerGirl.  For months he has denied and denied that he replaced me, and he finally admitted it.  I hated that he tried to make me feel crazy for feeling replaced.  For the first time he told me why he replaced me.  Me wanting and then having a threesome with someone other than him made him feel unsafe.  He’s allowed to feel that I suppose.  They are his feelings.  The fact that I’ve fucked multiple people, and had a threesome other than the ones we had together made him feel like I might be a bad person to be “holding his eggs”.  He felt had to give them to someone else.

Honestly this makes me a little crazy.  I was as honest as I could possibly be about who I was and what I liked when I met him.  I was tempted to curb some things as he fell in love with me and became increasingly disturbed by my answers to the things he asked.  I tried to answer things as clearly but as gently as possible.  I was not an asshole.  I didn’t brag about other men’s sexual prowess or whatever, but when you asked me if I’d ever done this or that I didn’t lie.  This man has known me and loved me for 13 years after all that truth.  Come on!

He’s admitted that my sexuality freaks him out both nicely and cruelly.  Sometimes his “admissions” (“you are such a fucking whore”) fucking sting.  I’m not indiscriminate and I haven’t been for years and years.  When we were monogamous (for 11 years) I stopped telling him things I fantasized about  because they disgusted and freaked him out.  We talked a lot about how he had a real madonna/whore thing with me.

He was horrified that I liked to be choked, or that I had enjoyed needles with kinky boy.  He hated that I thought it was hot to have a man cum on my face or that I loved to watch my man fuck a woman I’d just made cum a handful of times.  A few times he’d liked my idea or desire to swing and had even looked into it, but in the end it wasn’t for him.  I loved him and was happy in my monogamous marriage.  But.. here’s the thing.  I thought that even if these affinities weren’t for him, he’d accepted that I’d liked or wanted them and didn’t judge me for it.

Of all the people in the world, of everyone, I can’t believe HE held that against me.  I’m honestly flabbergasted that after all this time it’s in big part the slut thing.  I could not possibly be less concerned if my partners have ‘too many partners’.  That’s ridiculous.  I mean.. I’d be disturbed if they had indiscriminate unprotected sex currently, or if they were dishonest and disrespectful to get endless sex, but that my partners loved sex and had had it with some or many people?  Who cares!!!!  If anything, maybe I’ll learn something.

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So I listened to and supported him in therapy yesterday and it was truthfully not ALL about the slut thing.  But I have to admit that when I got home I struggled mightily with the slut part of what he’d said.  I can’t believe he point-blank said “I just felt that if she was a whore I probably shouldn’t trust her with all my eggs”.  RollerGirl was promising to fuck only him, so he transferred his love and loyalty and kindness to her.  Then, when he’d done that, he’d been angry and hurt and upset with me, and he’d needed to distance himself from me, so he’s spent these last months being abusive to separate, and now we are actually separated.

I don’t care if it’s only part (admittedly a big part).  The fucking slut thing?!?!!?  Again!!?!!??!

God Dammit!  I’m writing a fucking manifesto.  I swear.  Heh.. a “fucking” manifesto.

22 Comments

  1. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. It’s totally unfair of him to use that as an excuse for his behavior towards you. You were honest from the beginning so if he felt that way then it was passive aggressive to continue a relationship with you. It’s kind of a cop-out. To me it sounds like he’s using it as a way to continue to hurt you and make everything seem like your fault.

    I always recommend this book, but it talks a lot about emotional abuse and why and how men do it- Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. I read it after my divorce and it was incredibly eye opening. I went through with a highlighter and page after page described my ex husband’s behavior to me. I wasn’t even expecting to find him in there.

    It frustrates me though, how many men, in this day and age STILL suffer from Madonna/Whore complex and I think a lot of them do, in a very hypocritical way. Even the “sluttiest” of men seem to disdain that sort of behavior in a woman they love. I think a few have evolved but not near as many as should have. It’s based on fear, like what your husband describes.

    I’ve been amazed at how many single men, in the swinger community, who are having this supposedly open minded sex, right and left, have told me that it would not be acceptable for a woman THEY are in love with. Just yesterday I had a text conversation with a man who I found on Craigslist, who was telling me basically that he is looking for his forever love and she’d better not fuck around. Meanwhile he’s having threesomes with couples and random hookups with woman off there but he wouldn’t tolerate that from a woman he is dating and said “I don’t want my dick to fall off” (as though it would from her fucking around, but not from him). It just had me shaking my head.

    Even the Professor, I think some of our breakup may have had to do with that. He never liked that I continued to have sex with other men. His attachment to the married lady may have had more to do with the fact that she was telling him that she didn’t really want to have sex with anyone but him. She did on a couple of occasions but she made it out like her husband was pushing her to do so (nice play, right?).

    When I read stuff like this it makes me wonder if I will ever be able to be completely honest with a man about my sexuality and still have him LOVE me. I think women can love men despite their sexual indiscretions but sometimes I really wonder if the reverse is possible. It’s just so societally, and maybe biologically, ingrained in them to want the woman all to himself. To do otherwise hurts his ego and they can be so sensitive that way. Competition from other men is just so threatening. It’s completely unfair though, and makes no logical sense.

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  2. I’m very sorry to hear that this has happened and all these truths have finally come to the surface. But your situation proves that even when a man says he’s okay with being non-monogamous, he really isn’t. It can make him feel useless and unworthy and more so if his lady is out there having the time of her life and is seen as enjoying the sex with others more than with him. Resentment begins to set in and, sadly, even if he joins the party (so to speak), it never goes away; it will sit within him like a time bomb, just waiting for enough things to happen to make it go off.

    We’re just so possessive about our pussy. We don’t like to share but, as Lovergirl pointed out, if we can get some extra pussy, okay, that works. When it comes to be non-monogamous, I have said for years that it takes some very special people to pull this off without the bottom ever falling out – and there are not that many special people. I have said that you cannot be non-monogamous and do this using the rules of monogamy; you can’t be jealous, possessive, obsessive or any of these very negative emotions; if you’re in a relationship and have moved in this direction, your core relationship ALWAYS comes first or, take care of home before anything or anyone else.

    Your hubby should have told you way before now how all this made him feel, reinforcing the fact that in doing this, open, honest, and effective communication is so terribly important; both people HAVE to have their finger on the pulse of the relationship and talk about how things are going on almost a regular and consistent basis.

    If not, what has happened to you will almost always happen to others. I feel for you in this, SPC – I really do so imagine me hugging you.

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  3. I find that I relate with you more and more. When I was reading this and you were talking about how you would tell ‘Hubby’ your fantasy’s and found that they would discussed him, I have the same issue. I know you have talked about before in other post, but today it really hit me for some reason. My man does that to me, when I tell him something. And yet I can not get him to tell me any of his. oh shit I went a whole different direction than what I meant to…
    I know it seems that being honest has bit you in the ass, but in the end it will be the honesty that keeps you sane. It makes all the hard work you are doing,less work because you do not have to ‘come clean’ you already did. So that alone is over have the battle.
    Remember life is too short to be anything but happy!!
    A Lady in the streets and A Freak in the sheets….Sassy Sarah

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  4. This is so fucked up. Calling you a whore and slut-shaming you is abusive. Period. There is no nuance there. Sadly it is indicative of a lot of socialization men go through over possessing their partners rather than being an equal partner. If he told you from the beginning that he was okay with non-monogamy and he wasn’t, that is all on him. To paraphrase my beloved Alyssa Jones (Chasing Amy changed my life), your sexual choices are YOUR choices, and you do not apologize for them to anyone, least of all the man who is supposed to accept you for who you are.

    I’ve been lurking on your blog for a long time and I’ve been holding back the urge to comment and tell you to dump this mother fucker immediately. But that would not have been helpful because it would still be me trying to take the choice away from you. Now that you are separating, I hope you feel empowered by this process rather than “replaced”, as you put it. You dumped him because he was not treating you with the respect you deserve. And now you are free to find someone who is truly poly and will respect you as an autonomous human being and realize they do not own your body and desire, you do. Cheers and good luck to you.

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  5. Pingback: Zimbabwe: Woman catches hubby having sex with mum | Kwatu

  6. You are not wrong here. You were honest and he couldn’t handle it. It is just sex, and not this thing that people try to make it out to be. I know this is probably painful for you, but in time you will heal. Your honesty about your past here and in your relationship are a thing to be admired and not something you should feel ashamed of. I think maybe this guy is not right for you. You need someone who will give you space and allow you to explore your fantasies. It makes me sad that you couldn’t share you desires with him for a long time and then when you did he said you could act on them. Then it sounds like he took it back, and regretted giving you freedom. I hope you find someone who treats you like the fucking Queen you are. And can actually love that about you.

    I have been subscribing for a while to your site. Stalking and trying to understand more about poly lifestyle. I am a swinger but we don’t date outside of the relationship. It works for me. I just love the honesty of what I find here. I know that there are plenty of guys that would love to have a girl like you. I don’t think any relationship (poly, swinger or fucking monogamous) should ever talk numbers. What good could come of that? I don’t think hair pulling or needle play is something so kinky it should horrify your lover, especially not after so long of being together. He didn’t really understand you, you will eventually find someone that does.

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  7. wow this is so deep, yet i understand it to well. I understand from both sides, i understand the trust being shifted, the want for honesty and then the breaking down of it. It is such a hard path and a hard way to go. I am sorry you had to go through this experience. I can only sympathies because there are many parts that are foreign to me.

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  8. I know I’m waaaay behind in your posts, but I wanted to comment anyway.

    You’re definitely not in the wrong here, he is. I’ve seen this pattern before. I (and some of my friends) have very similar attitudes toward sex to yours, and I’ve seen this kind of reaction from other people. A dear friend of mine just had a painful breakup because her boyfriend had a drastically different attitude toward sex than she did. That kind of incompatibility is, unfortunately, very difficult to overcome.

    There are plenty of sex-positive folks out there, me included. I read your stuff about sex and think, “damn, she’s cool.”

    Hang in there.

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  9. Me again. Yep, still getting caught up on your archives.

    Reading this made me angry for you. Your husband (ex?) is a grade A twatwaffle! You were honest with him and if he couldn’t handle it, it was his responsibility to tell you so sooner rather than later. He does not get to sit around and harbor resentment for HIS issues with your sexuality and then turn around and use them against you. What an ass.

    I think I am irrationally angry for you because I’ve lived through this bullshit with an ex-boyfriend. And that’s exactly what it is, bullshit.

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