Traveler is a cool customer. He’s hard to flap. I won’t say he’s unflappable, because I’ve seen some flapping now, but he’s pretty damn cool. I’ve gotten to spend more time with him lately since I’m separated and he lives pretty close. We’ve been playing WoW, both alone and with his wife, in person and from our respective homes. We got to eat a few more dinners together and we’re talking more too, which is where my little musing comes in.
After I picked things up from my house, moving a little more into my playspace and a little further from my husband, I met Traveler for dinner. I wasn’t really emotional about picking up my stuff, which is the weirdest part of separating. It’s not angsty. It’s not dramatic or teeth-gnashing or really all that contentious. It just is. In fact, it feels healthy. It’s peaceful and nice. I think I’m growing to like this actually.
Tonight after dinner Traveler came up and stretched out on my bed with me, and I rubbed him and kissed him. I told him I had a date the next day, and admitted I was a little nervous. It’s our first big date, and our first sexy time date since the first time. Traveler asked me what happened the first time, since I’d admitted that I’d slept with Cleveland and then when Traveler asked, admitted that I was off that night.
Traveler asked me, “what happened the first time?” He was genuinely interested and he’s very even and measured. I know in my head that I can tell him pretty much anything and he’ll be totally cool about it. He actually wants to know, and still it was hard to tell him. I just feel a little shell shocked.
I looked at his handsome face and his sweet blue eyes and I just couldn’t say “Well.. it’s puzzling. The chemistry is hot, like really hot. We got so carried away we were like.. making out and feeling each other up on the stairs just inside his home, and I would have fucked him there on the stairs because I wanted him so badly. We went to the couch that was mere feet away and I straddled him and made out more. It was so fucking hot I jumped the gun and asked him to fuck me. Then upstairs I was a little freaked that his wife might come home and interrupt, and I rushed because I had to catch a ferry. When we went upstairs and got naked I was suddenly shy and he was kind of a stranger. I”m not against that necessarily, but it felt odd. I felt weird laying on his wife’s coverlet, suddenly disrespectful, and I didn’t feel fresh because I’d finished my period sometime the day before. He was awesome, but I think I wasn’t”. It’s the chemistry bit that’s hard to say. I felt weird talking about how very much I wanted this other man. I wanted to just be real and honest with Traveler, because I like that about us, but I felt odd doing it.
I know Traveler will be fine with it. We’ve talked about all kinds of related things many times. When I told him I’d fucked Cleveland, I was hesitant. I did it like tearing a bandaid. Traveler was of course his amazingly supportive and cool self and he laughed good-naturedly at the struggle that was for me. He scooped me up in his arms and kissed me and asked if I’d had fun. I hadn’t fucked anybody new since Traveler. I knew that it would be okay, and it was. It’s funny to me how even now I still run across these little monogamous landmines. I have to say though, that it’s a weird thing to look into the eyes of a man you love and tell him how much you want to fuck someone else.
It’s one thing to just say the facts, and another to talk about desire, want, chemistry. There are these old tapes, but I don’t want to hurt him or make him uncomfortable. I don’t want to make him feel any pings of jealousy. That’s unrealistic, even for Traveler though. I keep learning and keep learning. I’m not responsible for his feelings and I can’t live or talk so that I never make him feel anything. I have to try to just live well and to be open and honest and direct about things. It makes things less scary and honestly isn’t that big of a deal. We’d had a great talk about first time sex and chemistry and attraction. It was bonding and nice, and we’d barbequed and listened to good music and later held each other and enjoyed our own fabulous chemistry.
Now, having said all that, tonight is the night; my first overnight with Cleveland. God I’m excited! We’ve been talking a lot, and had that nice proper date (ha.. to a strip show) the other night, and have even video chat masturbated together. Oh, you know how I love to watch a man masturbate. We’ve talked and talked and talked. I really like him. I can’t wait to show him my neighborhood and kiss him. I’m so eager to touch him everywhere and hold him and sleep with him, and God how I want to ride him and taste him and explore some kinks with him. I’m looking forward to the lack of deadline and the time and space to talk to him and touch him and be with him. On my date tomorrow night with Traveler I’ll tell him how this time I was better and I hoped I’d left a better impression. Huzzah!