I’ve spent a good deal of this weekend thinking. I spent some of it with friends, and a little with lovers, but most of this weekend I spent on my own. I tried to be busy, but I kinda felt like I needed to not be too busy.
One of the potential dangers of poly and of having other lovers to offer support and companionship would be not taking the time needed to process and feel and think. I don’t want to distract myself too much. What do I want from my marriage? Do I see any hope? Exactly what, if anything, is there to salvage?
I had a date Thursday and a date Friday, with Cleveland and then with Traveler. I blogged a bit Saturday morning and then spent the day at a parade with Traveler and Peaches. Peaches is recently divorced, and has become a real source of support. We’ve been talking a lot. I had hoped to see Naughty Blogger Girl too, but she dropped off the planet. I had also scheduled a dinner with Great Date… our attempt to have a nice friendly time. We’ve been talking well as friends and I looked forward to it, but he cancelled it, and I was left with an empty Saturday night. It was okay, if a little lonely. I made myself a nice dinner, and Traveler popped by quickly to drop something off after his dinner with Peaches, and I’d gotten a nice hug and kiss.
He’s been so amazing in all of this, just a quiet and even guy. We haven’t talked much about it all, but he’s offered a quiet comfort anyway. We were laying in bed Saturday morning, and he’d sleepily pulled me to him and just held me, so warm and so close. After a bit I pulled back just a little to look at his face. I was thinking of how just.. decent he is. I was admiring the calm and sweet and kindness of him and felt just full of love and so cherished, so held.
He doesn’t gush on and on too much, which I’ve missed at times because I am a huge lover of both verbal and affectionate displays of love, but I’ve come to understand him. Traveler loves with his time and his attention. He shows his love with his little kindnesses, remembering that I needed another set of sheets and dropping them off, or asking if I needed shot glasses to make soaking my piercings easier. He shows up and is present, and offers help moving or running errands. The man is really falling for me as I am for him. It’s been 8 months now, and it’s slowly slowly built, at first imperceptible and then swelling. I have to say, I feel so full of love that I lay there thinking of his goodness and kindness and sensual sexy love. He’s exciting but not triggering, and he just seems to get me. I told him that morning as he held me that I thought I was starting to understand him and see and feel how much he loves me. He said “Of course I do, and I’m glad you see it. I do love you”. I told him I was crazy about him, and he’d squeezed me and said he was crazy about me too. He’s been calling me sweetie and honey sometimes. I joke with him that it will one day warm his heart, the way I call him hooker. He said this weekend in reply “it already does”.
And things with Cleveland are good. It’s a similar kind of thing in that it’s just good. I don’t feel anxious about it or frenzied. I don’t feel tweaked or sprung. I like him. I like spending time with him. I like his nerdy geeky sexiness. I like his air of decency.
I appreciate that now, common goodness. Of course I want and am happy that the men in my life are sexy and fulfilling and exciting to me, but I have to be honest and say I’m much more thrilled by their good natures. I like that they are thoughtful and measured and kind. I like that they care about the people already in their lives and they are trying to be good men to them because it tells me something of how they will treat me. I won’t always be shiny and exciting and new, and I need to know that they are patient and kind with the women in their lives and I’m warmed by their efforts to shower these women with love and affection. I don’t know a lot, but these days I’m thinking I know how to pick ’em.
Sure.. it’s important to me that I am attracted to my partners and that my romantic relationships have a sexual and passionate component, but I’m happy to say the less sexy stuff also thrills me.
So, I’m thinking of all of this when it comes to my husband too, and asking myself.. is this man.. right now.. is Hubby kind? Compassionate? Empathetic? Is the patient? Does he treat his existing relationships (me) well? Is he affectionate or passionate? Does he share his time and attention? How does he show his love? Is he caring and thoughtful? I don’t know. I’m trying to look past the anger and ask myself these things. Is he just going through something, and if so is that thing likely to change soon, or does he handle himself well while he processes it? Is he mature? Is he measured? Is he supportive?
I don’t know. Honestly I’m taking time to think.