I want to talk about the light side. I’ve written a lot of angsty dramatic drama-llama stuff lately. Hey.. the dissolution of a 13 year relationship is a little hard. This week especially has been difficult. Oddly enough, the actual “we are over” part has not been as bad as I feared. I’m actually pretty okay. It’s been a relief. All the pressure and misery is lifted. I come home and people are consistent and pleasant. Nobody hates me or yells at me or stomps around angrily. (He just called as I was writing and ended up yelling and screaming at me. Whatever.)
A n y w a y, the lighter stuff.
Yesterday was a tough day. Hubby and I had talked about a list of stuff I would be taking, and he talked about “why?”. He said he’d replaced me because I was such a slut I’d made him feel unsafe. He’d taken away his love. RollerGirl had been willing to make commitments to him that I hadn’t at the time and that made him feel safe. (Namely we’d opened our marriage and agreed to date others and she’d agreed to see only him for a while.) He said he was also realizing he wanted more kids. He would like to raise a family with someone he loves and I cannot have children after our 3 miscarriages. RollerGirl can have children and has a young child now that Hubby is crazy about. It was the most tender of my tender spots.
It was kind of a sucker punch. I’m a slut and he wants a family that I can’t give him. At least I finally understood why. I can’t give him a family and my sexuality made him feel unsafe. Okay. Time to move on.
I took my tender feelers out to dinner with the girls. We’d planned it a week and a half ago and I was glad we had. We talked only briefly about my junk and then moved on to better things. We laughed our asses off, talking about dating and life. Traveler’s wife, his girlfriend Peaches and I just enjoyed the night. We ate good food and commiserated. We dished. It was one of the worst days of my life and my face hurt from laughing and my muscles had the relief only a good orgasm or evening laughing can give you.
Traveler has some mighty fine taste in women.
I came home and chatted for a while with Cleveland. We talked mostly about clock parts and his blog, my evening with the girls, and his plans for his “love nest”. He and his wife are setting up a room in their basement for fun times. It was nice to companionably chat. I asked him if I’d told him he was awesome yet.
None of this replaces Hubby, and I doubt anything ever will. But once again I’m seeing how being surrounded by love and affection is a balm in times of heartache. It’s nice to be hugged and to have people to talk to that care about you. The other night, after my terrible talk with Hubby and the decision to end things, I had a date with Traveler. I held it together pretty well and we were hanging out. My heart hurt, but we were having a quiet evening anyway. I was jokingly listing all the reasons why Hubby might have replaced me with her. When I realized it may be in part because I could not have children, I broke. Traveler held me and I just sobbed. In any other situation your husband of 13 years leaving you for someone else, and he thinks you’re a whore.. well.. that would break you. Or maybe it wouldn’t. Maybe you’d pick yourself up and cope. In poly I’m doing that too, but I have my man’s loving arms and my metamour’s fun and friendship and support. I can talk to my sweet new lover and look forward to meeting his wife.
It hurts. I won’t lie. But I have to tell you that it doesn’t hurt in the way I thought it would and it makes me grateful for calm, sweet, and kind love. I’m spending more time with friends and working out and I keep promising myself a big ol’ thing of ice cream. I’m talking and listening and staying busy. I think this is what anyone does in a break up. But I’m also seeing my lovely Traveler tonight and I’ll eat yummy things and cuddle and kiss and be soothed. If I’m lucky (and I hear I might be) he’ll let me fuck him silly so I can get that other kind of muscle relaxation too.
And tomorrow, hmmm.. tomorrow I get to have a lovely overnight with Cleveland, either in his new “love nest” or in my new home in my totally cool and walkable new neighborhood. I’ll try to eat yummy things and cuddle and kiss and explore. There is so much I want to know and so much to discover. I can’t get over how sweet and fun and interesting he is, and I marvel in his delicious kisses. It’s been a tough week. Thank God he’s kinky.
Then, as a lovely cherry, I get to go to Pride with Cleveland and his wife. I’m looking forward to getting to know her a little bit and to spending fun with my new metamour (that means partner’s partner.. if I didn’t clarify).
Poly is a bitch sometimes. I don’t like the work it makes me do or the self reflection. I don’t like having to manage those times when I am jealous or insecure, and I don’t like that my husband was petty and not poly and that I lost my marriage. I don’t like that you have to be more independent and more comfortable and happy with evenings alone (I know.. you wouldn’t think that, would you?) I don’t like the possibility of more heartbreak and more loss. But I have to tell you, in the middle of loss so big I know I can’t yet imagine it all, I love poly. I love filling with and pouring out my love and all the freedom and kindness and sincere affection I feel for those around me. I love my metamour’s hugs and my lovers sweet ministrations. I love that I am loved back and that I am comforted and held. I love cumming so hard my tensions finally ease and I love holding my loved one so dear. I love feeling so much joy at my partner’s joy, even with others. I marvel at the pure unique thing it is to love and the amazing opportunity that being open gave me.
It’s a motherfucker sometimes, but I’m surrounded by love.