Letter to HER

Chasing Vermeer, by Galina Yotova chasing-vermeer-galinayotova.jpg

Chasing Vermeer- Galina Yotova

I wrote to RollerGirl last night, saying:

“He’s all yours.
It’s official.  Word to the wise.. Don’t be a slut like me”.

She replied this morning:  ##### edited#####

I quoted her email here and then realized I hadn’t asked her for permission to do that, so I’m deleting it and just going to say she was kind and patient when she reminded me that she never wanted this bad stuff to happen and never intended to take Hubby for herself.  She reminded me that she loved me and she had been hoping we’d all return to how it was before it all went bad.  She expressed her sorrow and offered to help in any way she can.  She said she’d still like our “whatevership”.  

I think she is telling the truth.  Honestly I believe her.  It’s not really her fault.  I want that too.  I wrote:

“God dammit I’m an asshole. I’m sorry.  I know what you’re saying is true.  I wanted us too and I know you did.  My anger at you is misplaced.  I’m angry at everything and hurt.  I can’t understand for the life of me what Hubby is so angry about, but I guess he has to go through it too.

I keep going over and going over what happened.  I guess he had to make me the enemy to detach so I wouldn’t hurt him.  It’s the only way I can see my sweet husband turning into him now.  It hurts.  Reading the things he wrote in chat to you over these months was painful but it was also puzzling.  I don’t even know who he was talking about sometimes.  The stuff he thought I was doing was just crazy.  And all the lying accusations.. He never even asked me if I was lying. He knows I’m not a liar.  I cant imagine why he’d think I’d lie to him or why he’d say I was.

What I can’t stand is not understanding why.  Why did he do this?!?  He could have had both.  He never needed to choose, and when he chose, why wasn’t it me?  I love him.  We had a good marriage.  Why wouldn’t he choose me?  Why did all of it mean nothing?  Why are you so much better?  Is it just that you were new and didn’t have the burden of history?  But why do this at all?  He’s been telling me that its bc of my sexual behavior making him feel unsafe.  I get that, though I hate it, but why not just rely more on you?  Why keep consenting and not meaning it?  Why get rid of me? 

He says he wants to raise your daughter together and to have a family with someone he loves, but what about us?  WE had a family.  We could have adopted too.  Or for that matter he could have been there and helped raise your daughter anyway and still loved me. Why did he throw me away?  He spent months detaching from and learning to hate me and I could not stop it.  He swore and swore it was in my head.  It is a fucking relief that he now admits he replaced me with you and he’s not taking that back or pretending he didn’t.  But why?  Is it really just because I’m a slut?

He finally admits he’s not poly too, so I guess maybe that’s why.  It’s just so fucking painful.  My Hubby.  He threw me away for you.  Why?!?!??  It makes me crazy.. All his talk of family. I really tried RollerGirl.  I TRIED to give him one.  That is honestly my most painful tenderest spot and he knows it.  He was again talking about how he wanted to have a family with someone he loves and I had to beg him to stop talking about kids and raising your daughter.  Why would he do this to me?!?

I honestly am so confused.  I’ve tried asking.  It does make me angry at you, though I suppose it shouldn’t.  It makes me mad that you can offer him a family and I couldn’t.  It makes me mad that he doesn’t see what we had as a family. It makes me mad that you promised not to see other people and he ran to you because you were safe.  it makes me mad that he made you a hero we could never talk about and me a fucking villain.  It pisses me off that I never had space to work on our own intimacy and the only time I could get his attention was on a date and often not then.. And yes I know that’s really him.  I am mad that you couldn’t be alone well and that made him never able to relax when he was out of contact.  He felt so guilty when we’d had a good night and you’d struggled with something else.. that he was an ass for not being there with you.  I’m pissed that you get the guy he used to be.. The kissing sniggly sweet supportive guy.

You get all of it and I hate that you will live in my house with my husband and my furniture and my pets and my life.  It’s not your fault, but I do hate you for replacing me.  He is going to go be mono (he finally told me yesterday) and you will be enough and I wasn’t.  Because of circumstances, I’m going to lose most of what I’ve worked my whole adult life for and everything I built.  All of our plans, all of our love and all of the things we carried… Just gone.  And he won’t understand it never had to be this way.  He hates me so much and is so angry and I sincerely don’t know why.  

He’s the only person on earth who shared my children and he’s just going to go have a new family because ” I want to have a family with someone I love this time.  (He and his ex wife did not love each other and had 2 children).  I’d like to know what that’s like”.  That makes me want to scream and kill things and burn Seattle to the fucking ground.  He KNOWS that is the cruelest thing he can say and says it anyway.  Of all the people on earth, Hubby most knows that is the very best way to destroy me completely and he won’t stop talking about it.

So, he wanted to open up when it was me… And he found you and you were and are enough.  He wanted the family I can’t give him and you can.  And you promised him he’d be your only and I didn’t.  And the threesome with Kinky Boy and “all those people I was fucking” made him feel unsafe.

I don’t really hate you.  I know your email was honest.  I’m sorry RollerGirl.  I hope one day you can forgive me.  For all of it. Please don’t let him trash me all over town or think I’m evil.  Please let us be friends someday.  You and me and me and him”.

Vermeer's, Lady Writing

Vermeer- Lady Writing

I figured it was a blog entry.  Hubby and I had our final counseling and are officially filing for divorce.  I am moving out Sunday.  We are filing in a month or two because this was all so fast we need a second.  I just need there to be a little bit of time where we pause before we file. 

I don’t really hate or blame RollerGirl, though there are things I am upset about with her too.  I don’t hate Hubby.  I’m not sure what to say now.  I’ll just close.

12 Comments

  1. This hurt my heart to read. I wanted to cry with you and then help you burn the city to the ground. 😦 This post makes me ok with being too scared to take the leap into poly. I’m so sorry for your loss. Hugs and positive energy to you from the deep south. Rhojo

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    • I’m sorry that we are making poly look bad. Please don’t blame poly for all of it. I’m staying poly. It’s who I am. I know this makes it look like it was all poly’s fault, and I get that poly was the catalyst that ended us, but it’s also that we did poly poorly and that not everyone is or can be poly.. such as my husband.
      I’d say DO be cautious and careful and good to your existing relationships.
      Thank you for the support and the hugs and energy, and most especially for the arson help. 🙂

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  2. wow im sorry. i haven’t read your blog just stumbled on this post. Ia m sorry your situation is ending like this and i will try my best to go back and read more so i can maybe have a better understanding. I stumbled on this post as my significant other asked us to be open and i agreed because it was either that or be cheated on, so i guess i was looking for understand.

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  3. Woww… I want to be sad for you but I can’t. I’ve only just started following your blog, I have some catching up to do, but I know that you will rise above this all the wiser and find yourself even more. My husband and I have began our polyandrous journey and are definitely having our ups and downs, especially as things become much more serious. I keep wanting to blog about it to reach out and find common friends but wow, how to even begin? Anyhow, I know you’ll get through this. I’ll be here to read along, thank you so much for sharing.

    Like

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