Mixing it Up

eye of stormI started today with a dream.  Hubby and I had made up and we were in bed, snuggling and kissing and so grateful we were crying kinda happy tears, telling each other we loved each other and that we’d never ever take it for granted or fuck up like that again.  Both of us eagerly apologizing and just so fucking grateful and in love.  I woke up crying.  It’s been a long long long time since we kissed like that, or held each other like that.  I swear I could feel the warmth of his skin.  It was the first full day after we both finally said it and meant it.  It’s over and we want a divorce.  What a fucked up way to start the day.  Thank God it got better.

I got ready and went to work with a pall over me.  I just had that thick feeling.  It’s all really really real.  We are over.  Over.  I am a single girl.  Woo. 

I tried to stay immersed in work and got precious little done, worrying about money and stuff and moving.  My dog has stopped eating and I’m worried about her.  I asked if he planned to take her to the Vet or to get some broth to put on her food and he didn’t answer, which tells me he probably isn’t.  I can’t call him about it because he asked that we not contact each other except for business.  I hate leaving my dog with him.  I hope he takes care of her.

Work was good distraction.  I talked a lot with friends today too.  And then finally, after work, I had my date with Cleveland.  It was just a nice little midweek relaxing date.  We met and had yummy dinner and came back to my place for some snuggles.  We talked and relaxed and chilled.  We had a little play, but mostly just marveled in the wonderful feeling of being together.  I liked the time to talk about everything and nothing.  We even had a nice talk about possibility as I took him home.  Sigh.  So funny to have this beautiful thing just calmly and wonderfully unfolding in the midst of chaos.

eye of storm 2

I like him.  I like spending time with him.  I like talking to him and kissing him and fucking him and just.. being.  I’m grateful for the bright spots in all of this and in the support of friends and lovers, old and new.  My heart really hurts today and it enjoyed the soothing balm of real conversation, touch, laughter and kisses.  They are such simple joys and so appreciated.  It’s a long road ahead out of all of this.. but right this minute, today, I am feeling really good.  🙂

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