Talking tonight with Cleveland, I stumbled across an old musing. I’m moving all of my stuff out of my house tomorrow, so I’m not sure it matters to me right this minute, but I have wondered from time to time if it’s really possible to have an investment (or have someone invest in me) when we are still open to sexual adventure.
I’ll explain. Right this minute, I can’t and don’t want to add more partners. Traveler is still my boyfriend, and things are getting deeper and better there, and I’m dating Cleveland. I have time for other connections, but I’m not seeking them because it’s important to do some work on me and I want to focus on the connections I have, exploring them and letting them be what they are. However, having said that, there are a few interesting prospects on the periphery for sexy play time. None of them seems like real potential partners at this point, but one seems like somebody I’d at least like to meet.
So, here comes the inevitable.
I was at dinner tonight with Cleveland and we inquired of each other if we were still dating. We’ve been seeing each other a month and neither one of us seems interested in really dictating anything about that at this point (of course), but it’s a good thing to work out what people are interested in and open to.
He said he’s not looking at the present time to date others but he won’t say how he’ll feel a week or month or whatever from now. He said he felt he couldn’t start another relationship currently. I told him that I felt the same about a new relationship but that I like to stay open otherwise. I’m not seeking dates or connections or sex at this point, but I might respond to an interesting offer. I like the freedom to keep the door open, to pursuing an interest if it arises. Let’s be honest.. I’ve enjoyed this freedom to pursue a random interest for a year now and have used it zero times, but I like that it’s there.
I’m a little gun-shy when it comes to telling my partners about sexual interests or other partners. Cleveland said that I was dealing with a small sample size, that the two men I loved couldn’t handle really being open and loving me doesn’t mean others can’t. Maybe. I don’t know. I’m starting to wonder if it’s too much to want.
Unfortunately, my experience hasn’t been good on this. My ex boyfriend always said he was cool with it, and pursued his own interests throughout our relationship, but he had some pretty strong negative reactions to me dating or talking to actual potential hook ups. He asked me during one such negative period, “How many will be enough?”
You know… it’s a valid question. My husband “transferred his eggs” and replaced me, in part, because he could not deal with the fact of me dating and fucking others. Never mind that he’s seeing RollerGirl or started to see a new girl. (He was asking for advice about how to break it off with her the other day.)
My having had a threesome last year (with his permission) and my dating Great Date and Traveler made him feel unsafe, and that made him pull away from me and attach to RollerGirl. Great Date and I didn’t break up because of my desires, but we sure as hell fought like crazy over them and they caused me a great deal of angst. Traveler seems to support and be okay with all of it.. new partners and new interests- and he’s a level headed calm guy. Cleveland seems much in the same vein. I hope he’s actually handling well and not stuffing. We talked about that a little, how much I appreciate clear direct communication. I hope that as things arise he’ll just talk to me about them, and not stuff them as Hubby did until it killed us. I also hope he won’t just spout off everything he thinks or feels with no kindness, as my ex-boyfriend did. I’m really growing to love nice clear calm direct conversation. It’s so lovely to talk as adults and work to address and resolve conflicts and clearly communicate needs and wants.
Just something I’m thinking.