A few weeks ago I was talking to a friend about rejection.  I was musing that it was really awful to go on a date and have to reject the person, and I found it odd that I haven’t been rejected yet.  As for my rejected suitors, it really is not often anything horrible about them… it’s just a lack of chemistry.  Sometimes they are perfectly wonderful people and I like them very much, but I’m just not attracted.  Sometimes they look really different from their online profile or they’re just not my physical type.  Every once in a while they are rude or douchebaggy, but it is usually just a missed connection.  I hate it.  I’ve met some really cool people.   Some of them have become friends and that’s pretty cool.

I found it odd that I haven’t been rejected.  Granted, I’m a girl.  I have not done much approaching of others, and therefore the people I am interacting with were largely self selected as people who at least found me attractive.  I had one guy that found me on AFF before I had pics, and then after I posted pics let me know that I just wasn’t his physical type.  No hard feelings.  It was a rejection but a nice, straightforward one.  I have zero problems with someone not being a fan of me because I am just not a body type or look or whatever that they are into.  There are LOTS of really hot people I just don’t dig on.  ImageJohn Stamos.  I have no idea why women say that man is so attractive.

ImageJason Stackhouse from True Blood.

He’s supposed to be this sexy guy and I just don’t see it.


I think Maggie Gillinhall is maybe the sexiest thing on two legs and some people think that’s odd.

ImageImageZooey DeChanel and John Cusack blow my skirt up.  Attraction and chemistry are fickle bitches.  (Weird.  It was hard to find a cute pic of John Cusack.  I think I like him more animated.  It’s not just his looks and it’s his mannerisms and voice and such too.

So, how odd is it that the week after I said this to my friend I got my first rejection.  Weird, right!?!

I met this guy at a poly meetup group and we had a lot of fun.  From what I’d heard (we have mutual friends) he’s a busy busy busy guy, and so while I liked him, I made no attempt really to flirt with him.  I figured he’s all polysaturated.  (That means his plate’s too full).  Anyway, fun time at the meetup and I left it at that.

A short while later I saw him at a poly event.  He was friendly and we chatted a bit. I was there with a date.  I think he’s kind of a flirty guy as his regular manner of speaking, so I didn’t read into it.  He was hanging out a lot by me and talking to me a lot, but he was kinda working and we were sorta by where he was working, so again, I didn’t think much of it.

Then, he touched me.

We were watching the show and he came and squatted by my chair and rested his arm against the side of my thigh, lightly.  It was not especially crowded and there was no reason he had to do that.  I felt a little zing.  Hmm.. interesting.  He was still working but he kept coming back.  The second time he came and leaned against me, he was sort of lightly grazing my leg with the backs of his extended fingers.  I put my fingertips on his arm lightly and just rested them there a minute.  He took a deep breath.  Fuck me, I did too.  Very nice.  But I’m not a douchebag, so I stopped playing feelsies and paid attention to my date and made a mental note.

He came and touched me maybe 3 times that night and it wasn’t anything big.  Near the end he went up for an in-person personal.  People had joked that he was too busy for anyone else and he said “I’m not too busy.  I’m interested in finding someone who is into power play and bondage”.  Ummm.. yes please.  Oh man yes please.  I sent a message the next day that said:

“Hey [Guy’s Name]. I had a ton of fun at [the event] tonight. I liked interacting with you both at the meet-up last week and at the event tonight. I have to admit I liked that little bit of contact with you as well. I wanted to take a minute to express an interest. I was on a date and unable to say so in person, but I find you intriguing, and I liked your in-person personal ad. If you share an interest, I’m pretty reachable here, or via phone or text at _________. Have a great night”.

He replied and I gotta tell you, I liked it.  It was the best possible way to be rejected.  I dig that guy.  I think he’d be a phenominal fun time to fuck and I like him and like talking to him, but it’s not like I was in love with him or gaga, and I appreciated his direct, clear and classy message.  He said:

“Hey, thanks for the note [Seattle] and sharing your thoughts/interest. I wanted to say that I enjoyed interacting with you as well and hope to see you around the community more. I hope you will not think ill of me if I say that I don’t believe I have a more than friends interest in you. Can we be friends? Are you still hitting meet ups anytime soon? What about Polycamp? It’d be cool to catch ya around more and get to know you…”

See.  Isn’t that kinda awesome?  It made me wanna be that guy’s friend.  I won’t lie and say I wasn’t disappointed.  This guy is awesome with the kink stuff (people talk) and is a good Dom.  He’s hella cute and funny and I like talking to him.  It would have been fun as hell to play with someone I like this way.   But honestly it’s not that big of a deal.  I’m not everyone’s cup of a tea, and it’s fun to have a new flirty fun friend.  I saw him at another meetup and had a really enjoyable time just joking and chatting and hanging out.

Then today another small rejection.  You  know, I feared this but it’s actually not that bad at all.  This one was a guy that found the blog and in a weird irony, read the post with Cindy Lauper’s pic and then sent me a pic of him with Cindy Lauper.  Really weird synchronicity, right?  Anyway we just exchanged a message or two and I sent him some pics, nothing racy.. just what I look like.  He dropped it completely, just saying something like there wasn’t any chemistry (my favorite true thing to say too).  Obviously this one is no big deal..  I had one difficult to determine pic of what he looked like and one brief email.  I wasn’t sure if I liked him either.   Still.. he rejected me for some physical attribute, and you know.. that’s totally cool.  Whew.  Good.

I kept hearing Janine Garafalo’s character in The Truth About Cats and Dogs saying “rejection doesn’t kill.  It only maims”.  Like many things I fear until they happen, it’s actually no bid deal.  This might make me feel slightly better about rejecting people myself.  Good times.


  1. Love the term ‘polysaturated’. Does that mean I’m ‘polyunsaturated’? 😉
    Also, YES. Great rejection letter. THAT is how you let someone down gently.
    As for the second rejection, sounds similar to another story, except less icky: I recently found out a friend and fellow poly blogger got rejected by my douchebaggy ex a couple of years ago. She expressed interest via chat, probably similar to how you did. How did he respond? By completely severing all contact. WTF? You flirt with a girl for months, then when she expresses interest you run away? What are you, 12?
    Seriously, that dude has problems.


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