Curiosity.. scratched

I looked forward to my date tonight for the last few days.  My boys were still unavailable and I was palling around with Peaches.   We were having good times.  I spent some good time taking care of business and catching up with friends.  But c’mon.  A date with a nice funny cute sexologist and pro Dom?  I was excited.

We had coffee Sunday and talked very amicably about a good deal of stuff.  He’s in almost the exact situation I am.  We talked comfortably.  He seemed interested in an actual friendship with me, but maybe not a heavy relationship.  That’s appealing right now.  Of course I get all the amazing sex I actually need, but exploring and having fun with a friend here and there sounds really nice.  I don’t see that super much of either Traveler or Cleveland and I have a number of free nights.  That the friend in question teaches classes on a wide variety of sexual skills, is a pro and for-fun Dom, and hosts a rope event at the local kink club, and seems totally down with play only in the bedroom… yes please.

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Todd Parr is a favorite children’s author of mine. He’s just lovely.

I’m calling him Blue for short.

Blue confirmed our date and texted back and forth a bit working out the details and everything was set.  I was getting pretty excited.  Then he texted that he couldn’t make it because he’d had a really bad day and he would not be a very good date, but that he could call me if I wanted.  I told him to call me.  Dammit!

He called and it really did sound like a crummy day and he was kinda down.  I said we could just talk and that I could be a good listener, and he declined, but we fell into a conversation about it anyway.  We got to talking as people with similar experiences and kinda cheered each other up.  Today was my 13 year anniversary with Hubby.  yay us.  A divorcing anniversary.  😦

After the conversation he seemed a lot better and I felt good.  I asked him if he’d like a totally unsexy evening of conversation and ice-cream. I told him, “Dude.  We can meet as people.  We don’t have to have kinky monkey sex.  We can like eat food and ice-cream and vent.  I actually do want a real friendship at least with anyone I’d consider fucking at this point and that means like.. being friends”.  He liked the idea and the date was reset.

He said, “It’s not that I would cut off the chance of hot monkey sex at this point.  It’s more that I didn’t want the expectation.  I just felt so crummy and I was feeling like.. oh great.. now I have to be all totally on and wow her sexually.. how am I going to do that!  He and I have been talking a while and I think it was just this pressure.  So I totally removed the pressure.

He came over and we got some take out pizza and just talked.  Then snuggled.  Then fucked.  It was allowed to unfold naturally and it was very nice.  Afterward we talked and snuggled some more and when he prepared to leave we both said we’d like to meet again.  He’s not all that great about frequent communication, and that’s a problem for me in a relationship.  And we’re both really busy and have a lot going on.  He travels a good deal for work, and I don’t have bandwidth to start another relationship relationship right now, but yeah.. I think some fun and friendship here and there can be a very good thing.

I have to confess though, all the talk from my husband and such about what a slut I am has me kinda.. well.. kinda feeling a tiny bit of self-shame.  I hate it, but after Blue left I wondered if I was a big old greedy slut.  I have such a good thing with Traveler and such a wonderful thing developing with Cleveland.  I was asking myself “am I jeopardizing those things for something frivolous?”  “Am I greedy or selfish or wrong to enjoy fucking someone without real intention at this point of a relationship?” “Is Hubby right, and I’m a big old unlovable slut?”  I think I know the answers to this intellectually, but I’m just aware I’m going to have to process this a bit emotionally.  I didn’t do anything wrong.  My partners are informed.  I had a very thorough safe sex talk.  I was honest and open and clear about my intentions and listened to his.  He seems to want similar things and he seems capable of making decisions for himself about relationships.  I practiced safer sex with him.  It’s not a big part of me, this shame, but I have to acknowledge it is in there.  I hate that I have taken on this shame, but I get it.  For weeks now Hubby has mentioned how my sexuality and my sexual choices, even with his consent, made him feel unsafe.  He’s told me in every way possible calmly and in anger that I was too slutty, too sexual, too much and that he no longer respected me.

He used to know me.  He really knew me, and he said these things.  He loved me for 12 years and he said these things.  I’m trying not to take it on and to see if for what it was.  Hubby was insecure and when we opened up he fell in love with RollerGirl right away.  He wanted to be poly but he wasn’t.  RollerGirl kept saying she was happy with only him and I didn’t.  I was exploring and being sexual with others and it scared him and he didn’t know how to talk about or process it, so it came out all sideways.  RollerGirl was safe and I was scary, so he detached from me and attached to her.  Then he vilified me to make it okay to himself to let go of this person he’d loved for so long and to love this new person.  Calling me a whore and a slut, even today, is a way to justify his actions.

See?  I get it.  I get it, but it’s going to take some work and maybe some reassurance for me to emotionally get it.  I’m just going to have to take time to see if Traveler or Cleveland are different, and if they can love me as I am.. sexual girl and all.

4 Comments

  1. 😦 Glad you had a good time with your new friend! Sorry you are still questioning yourself though about the sluttiness. I wish I had words of wisdom for that but it really is hard not to do because men can be really judgmental. Sometimes the ones with the worst madonna/whore complex are the ones who fuck around the most themselves and sometimes not. In any case, I figure I have just as much right to enjoy myself and have fun as I want and it’s all a matter of perspective. If you’d stayed with him and been the good little sexless female he wanted he probably would have turned around and cheated on you in the long run anyway and then blamed you for not being sexual enough. That’s what men do with their Madonna/Whore complex. Use it to categorize women and treat both the “madonnas” and the “whores” badly in different ways. It’s an excuse to put the blame on someone other than themselves for their choices.

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