Break ups are abounding. The poly boards are full of people transitioning and breaking up and stuff is just ending. You’d think poly people just can’t keep a damn thing together. Truthfully though my Facebook feed is full of the same in mono world. Things are more impermanent than we like pretending. We say forever and ever but MOST marriages end in divorce. It’s just not too common that we meet the one person that completes us and are with them for 50 years happily.
I’m not a girl who falls in love easily or often. I’m a mushy mush ball of feeling. It’s not that I don’t care or that I don’t attach or that I don’t love or desire love. I do – with my very core. It’s just that I am a pragmatist and I’m slow to really invest. I seem more open than I am because I’m very sexual and sensuous and open with some things that others would be very private about, but the truth is that I am protective of my little vulnerable bits.
Peaches and I hit the kink club last night. Such weekday girl fun! And I talked a tiny bit with Peaches last night on the way home and I realize I am carrying wounds. I came home and thought again of all that had happened in my marriage and the million little cuts. I’m slowly healing and rewiring and I will be okay, but man.. there was a lot of damage. I have a lot of work to do. I have reviewed and reviewed my actions and I see plenty of room for growth, and that is what I can concentrate on. I can’t do a damn thing about the thousand cuts, but nobody can say I didn’t try. I’ve endulged very little emotional cutting. Emotional cutting is the dragging out pics and listening to sad pappy music and wallowing in the hurt. I did a little of course and still do in tiny spurts. It’s a part of the healing process in measure.
My current favorite song for the times I need to hear something beautiful that helps me touch my little vulnerable emotional bits:
It’s important to have your dark and your light. I’m good at making and maintaining friendships and I’m blessed with a lot of love and support. I’m good at picking myself up. I’m good at building. I’m good at salvaging what I can and I’m good at finding the good in the situation. I see the opportunity here and the new beginning and potential. I’m afraid and hurting, but I really am okay. I’m good at working on myself.
These are some of the strengths that will get me through this. There is a limit to how much time even I can keep me down though, so I’m already rebuilding and moving on and getting it together. I am already healing. I think Hubby made a horrible decision for himself and I think he is foolish, but I think he made that decision long ago. It happens. I’m stopping asking why because it’s not helping me. It doesn’t have to make sense. He didn’t do it because he sat down and reasoned it out.
People do stupid and horrible things every day and I just try not to be one of those people. Life is not fair and it’s not easy or smooth or logical. Life is messy. Things break, even beautiful treasured things we thought were iron-clad. I could rail against this. I could gnash my teeth and scream and stomp my feet. I could unleash a list of all the ways it wasn’t right, but in the end it is what is.
I can accept that though relationships are always meant to be they aren’t always meant to be forever. I can see that my marriage has ended and that it ended doesn’t mean it was a failure. 13 years of love is not a mistake. We had a life together and it’s time for a new life. I don’t want to waste it tilting at windmills or whirling like a dervish. I want to build things and love and laugh and explore. I want to heal and grow and learn. I want to take the things I have and make beautiful things of them. I want to never stop learning. I want to build trust and I want to heal my wounds.
When you break a bone it grows back thicker. Did you know that? At first it gets covered up with these strong thick kinds of bone cells and is reinforced. It forms a thicker bigger bit of bone and reinforces it. Over time it heals and thins again and smooths. It lets go of it’s defense. It is never erased and you can always tell where a break has occurred, but this damage becomes a good thing. It becomes part of the network of strength in the bones. It’s different and it’s changed, but it’s good. I’m filling in my thousand tiny cuts and learning learning learning.