The Readers

*** I feel differently about this after processing things and am okay with whoever reads my blog reading it as long as they want to.  If things here are upsetting however, I’d like to ask they not read my blog, but they are free people.  I’ll ry to warn when I’m talking about certain potentially triggering things.****

 

So, I just learned that both Cleveland’s wife and his old girlfriend (the one that just visited) have found and read my blog.  Honestly that kinda freaked me out a little.  I generally love my metamours and I really like Cleveland’s wife, but the idea of them reading this stuff kinda wigs me out.

guestofaguest.com

guestofaguest.com

So I started thinking about why.

Well, clearly I’m not a total douchebag, so the idea of hurting someone upsets me.  I hope I didn’t give them cause for jealousy with Cleveland and I and I hope they weren’t triggered or made upset by the things I’ve said.  Of course they know that Cleveland and I are dating, and they are aware that we have sex, but you know… reading about it could have been upsetting.  I haven’t met Cleveland’s other girl, but his wife is a sweet person and it’d suck to have caused her any discomfort.

It’s also that it gives them a great deal of info about me that they would not ordinarily be privy to.  I don’t tell my metamours all the intimate details of my dates with others all the time, or share with them in our first meeting how it felt to be ending my marriage.  It’s personal.  Yes, yes, I know it’s a public blog, but it’s anonymous.  I don’t have anything like this kind of info about them.  They don’t tell me their intimate thoughts all the time or the details of their sex lives and relationships.  It’s unbalanced.

It’s also that frankly it’s not representational.  This is a blog about love, sex and relationships.  I don’t write about all the other areas of my life very much because that’s not what this blog is about.  I don’t write about my friendships or my hobbies much, and I don’t talk about my intellectual pursuits or what I’m doing at work.  It’s a blog about a specific part of me and my life, and if you read my blog but didn’t know me in real life you’d get a pretty slanted view.  These are women that are important to a man I’m falling for.  I’d like it if they got to know me in normal ways where I can talk to them about the info they are receiving.  As it was, they read the blog and got whatever info they gott.

His wife and girlfriend didn’t contact me to answer questions or address things that upset them, and frankly I’d like to answer questions if they’d like.  If I do stuff that upsets Cleveland’s wife, I want to know about it.   I want to address it and be considerate and do what I can to make her comfortable and happy, especially if it’s a small thing.  We share a lover and may someday share a love (okay…maybe not that far off… I’m so falling for that guy).  It just worries me to have a part of a “conversation” out there but no dialog.  I don’t know what they thought of info about me and we are all interconnected.  I want to know about them too.  Of course it might all be moot.  Maybe they didn’t have any reaction.  Maybe it was no big deal.  Maybe they were bored.  I wouldn’t know.  They both said they aren’t going to read it, but still.

It’s not that I’m against being open with my metamours.  It’s just that I would like to be open as part of a dialog.  If they do visit the blog again I hope they will consider talking to me about what they read or having a coffee or whatever with me if they’d like.

It’s all okay and I understand being curious, and it’s not like I’m mad or upset or anything, but yeah.  I feel a little odd and I’m looking at my reaction.

11 Comments

  1. First, if there’s some upset people, I hope you’re allowed to open a dialog with them and work things out. If they’re not upset, well, I hope that allows a dialog to open as well since it’s obvious that y’all have something very nice and important in common, right?

    It’s an interesting turn of events, n’c’est pas? The question is what is their knowing about your blog gonna do about you writing it?

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  2. Hmmm…a topic a I can certainly relate to – from both sides. I used to be much more open in discussing my blog with lovers, but became much more reticent when I realized I was unconsciously censoring myself knowing that they would be reading. I stopped being so open about it and TTM has no interest in it. I have never seriously dated a man with a wife or girlfriend that I would need (or want) to have a relationship with, so that part is more foreign to me. But your blog is public and they don’t have any obligation to get to know you any further at this early stage. What YOU want from them and what THEY want from you might be totally different things. Only time will be able to tell that.

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    • Oh…hahaha.. They don’t have to get to know me or have any relationship to me. It has just generally worked out that I am friendly with my sweetie’s sweeties. I do have to know they are cool with their honey dating or being involved with me, but they don’t have to be friends with me at all. I was only trying to say with that that I prefer them to get to know me by talking to me rather than reading the blog. I can’t control it, and I can only keep blogging and accept, delete the blog or whatever. I can’t make them and don’t want to make them do anything. Just as they are totally within their rights to be curious, I’m totally within my rights to wish that curiosity took a different path. :-). I don’t demand they do anything.

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  3. Well, now I feel like I shouldn’t be here, but let me offer some thoughts before I go.

    Why would I want to read your blog? Believe it or not, it’s not to check up on what you are doing with or feeling for hubby. We both share not only a wonderful person, but we also share polyness, and horniness, and we are BOTH radically awesome chicks, not to mention that we are both bloggers! I love blogs, and I’m honestly curious about your inner life. Anytime you want to read my blog, which is raw, raw, raw, and in which I expose all my insecurities to the world, you only have to ask for the address!

    I can’t speak for anyone else, but there is nothing here that I could read that would ever make me feel insecure. I’m one of those freaks who kinda gets off on knowing that my husband and his other loves are having an awesome time. So, no worries about me being made insecure. My brain doesn’t work that way. My insecurities are of an entirely different nature, and they have little to do with worrying that Traveler is giving you a bigger piece of his heart or his time or around anything to do with being poly, which to me is as natural as breathing. But then, I’ve been open for coming up on 20 years.

    I could never have what he has with you, or with Peaches, or with anyone else that has been in his life in the past. You all get to see different parts of him, just as my lovers get to see parts of me that he’ll never see. That is one of the most beautiful things about being poly to me. I love that Traveler has two wonderful women to push his boundaries, to encourage him to grow, to help him learn even more about his body, his sexuality, his heart, his mind, his boundaries, and his emotions. Two other wonderful women to share and witness his life. To be his friends. To be his loves.

    The joy that I take in all that isn’t entirely selfless. By him knowing himself better, I can come to know him better, too.

    That fact, that I can never have what he has with you, is something to be joyously celebrated. Not to get all metaphysical on you, but fuck it, I’m gonna get all metaphysical. Your energy is different to mine and to Peaches. Not better. Not lesser. Different. Being with you is bound to strike a different chord. And yet there are all sorts of harmonies available to us in music and in love. Who would want to hear just one chord all the time? From my perspective, this time in my life is like living a symphony. I am thrilled to have a happy little poly tribe. My life is richer and better for having you in it! Not to mention that I love that you make my husband happy and content.

    I’ll offer a question to ponder, and then I’ll bow out of this blog — why is it comfortable and okay for Cleveland to read this blog but uncomfortable for me or Cleveland’s wife or sweetie to read it? Presumably, Cleveland could also be subject to green-eyed monster attacks, too, as you talk about your other loves and sexual interests here. You don’t have to feel obligated to answer this question, by the way. The answer could very well be “Because he and I are intimate while you and I are not,” or “nunya bizness.” 🙂

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    • I’m so glad you commented here. I should have written a follow-up to this piece. It was a quick reactionary blog that triggered a really good chain of thoughts that brought up a lot of what you addressed. I have read your blog. You gave me the address of it months ago and I loved it. I love your writing. I have also recently read Cleveland’s other girl’s blog too and told both Cleveland’s wife and Cleveland’s other girl that I am happy to have them read this. I gave you the address because you ask and I’m happy to have you read it too.

      My fear in this blog was based on a couple of things. 1) My husband was very jealous of my loves and never dealt with it, so he decided I was a whore and threw me away for a woman who would promise him she’d date only him. 2) My ex boyfriend was very jealous and said over and over that he was fine with all of this me being poly stuff but really never was. 3) I am a pretty insecure person in a few areas at times and I was projecting. And finally.. it’s just new to me, this level of people I know having access to info about me.

      It doesn’t bother me that Cleveland reads it because he is pretty unjealous.. almost as much as you. If he does see he doesn’t want to read something he just skips it. And there was another insight I had. I can’t control your feelings or his feelings or any of it. You are adults though who can make your own decisions. You can choose to read and not read what you like. Your potential upset feelings are not a good reason for me to feel like I can’t write it or I need to control your access. YOU can choose what is right for you and I can choose to write what is right for me.

      A lot of this is new for me and sometimes I process it through the blog and usually I come back and talk about it, but sometimes I guess I missed the opportunity to say what I felt later. Since I wrote this I have come to peace with people knowing about it and “came out”. I’m not going to go back and edit old posts, because I have a thing against that. I might be embarrassed at what I once felt, like I am with a lot I wrote about Kinky Boy or Great Date, but it’s what I felt at the time and it’s authentic and I don’t feel like I’m doing anything justice if I use hindsight to pretty it up. I want to write what I’m really feeling and thinking and what’s happening. I want to tell a story, and I like to think I am.

      Please please come and read anytime and anything you like. Please don’t read anything you don’t want to read. I’m sorry I made you feel unwelcome. It was just me processing things.

      On another note.. I love much of what you love about poly too. MOST of the time my insecurities don’t interfere with my love of my partners loving. I love how much Traveler loves you. It’s a huge part of what attracted me to him. I love watching the two of you interact and the joy you give him. I love watching him and Peaches interact too. I love hearing what he is like with you guys and it makes me know him more. I love him, so I love him being appreciated and loved and the love he gives too. I love our little polycule immensely. A lot of this has been the most tremendous gift of living openly. It just took me a while to work past some insecurities and takes me a little work here and there. Okay.. maybe a lot of work is needed sometimes. I’m sorry I didn’t write a follow up to this or say this post existed and it wasn’t accurate to where I am now. It was my REACTION, but not where I stopped. I love that this made me “come out”. I’ve had a lot of fun talking with other bloggers and poly folk lately and even had a girl quote me to me and was able to say “that’s me!!!”. A while after this I used my real name in a post.

      Please do feel welcome to read here whatever you want to.

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  4. Okay, I get that. I just sensed some awkwardness when I asked for the address the other night. And then, after reading this, I had to wonder whether I was being weird or intrusive by coming here. I felt that my impressions of your response when I asked for the address were confirmed by reading this blog. Everyone needs a safe space for their unfiltered feelings. I would never want to take that away from you, not even a little bit. Hugs. I’ll see you soon. Have an awesome time this weekend!

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