I’ve been a little insecure for a few days. I’m working on it, and it’s not overwhelming or a big deal, but it’s not super fun.
I kept having this nagging little thought. Why did Hubby not pick me, like from the beginning? Why’d he tell RollerGirl 2 months in that he felt like he was cheating on her with me? Why did he do stuff like become super irate when I asked to talk about our safe-sex agreement and never forgive me for even asking when RollerGirl herself admitted she misinterpreted what I’d written and it was clear I just wanted to talk about it? He could never forgive that I’d upset her. What I mean is.. why did he instantly pick her over me? It’s a hard thought to process. It’s a version of the why are they better. That alone tells me it’s at least partially stuff that is really about me and in my head, but at least part of this IS in fact true. He DID replace me. It took a while but he finally admitted it and is clear he did it.
Here’s the deal though.. again.. he didn’t sit down and reason it out. He didn’t list the pro’s and con’s. He didn’t carefully consider and then throw me away. He didn’t weigh anything and determine she was a better partner. He freely acknowledges she isn’t in fact a better partner. I think he did it before he knew he did it and he likely has no idea why too. It’s probably a lot of things.
This has kinda spilled over into other areas in me though.
And finally.. I really like Cleveland and that scares me a little. He told me he loves me. I’m not there yet, not able to say such big things, but I care about him and I like what we’re building. I am cautious and not wanting to attach to anyone for anything but themselves. I took a huge blow with Hubby so I’m being slow and careful. I don’t want to attach to someone to deal with my pain. Cleveland is awesome and worthy of his own attachment, so I’m attaching slowly and carefully and mindfully. I have no hurry. He’s amazing.
Having said that, I care about him. I’m excited to be with him. I’m falling for him. I’m happy things are so good. I love being with him and I love talking to him. I love our dates and our chats and texts and hobbies. I love fucking him and holding him, and I appreciate his clear and open communication. He’s kind and honest and hard to resist. There are a few qualities actually that make me think of Traveler. It makes me happy and makes me smile, but it also makes me a little insecure. If you care, they can hurt you. It’s old stuff, this fear of putting something out there. I spent so much of my life trying not to connect so that people couldn’t do things to me like what hubby did.
People love you until they don’t, and that’s just how it is. The weird part is, I do see that sometimes they love you and they don’t stop. I thought I had that with Hubby and I didn’t. Not knowing why it exploded makes me more afraid because I don’t feel like I would understand how to stop it next time or how to keep it together, but you know… you really can’t. Even if I knew absolutely why, I’m not sure I would have been able to stop it. I saw it happening and everything I tried was ineffectual. I was sweet or demanding or reasonable or emotional. I tried and tried and tried to talk to him about it. I tried to talk to RollerGirl about it and she wanted to help but seemingly could do nothing about it either. I tried counseling and meetups, tried to make a weekender he never wanted to take, dates he never stuck to, tried to seduce him or level with him or remind him, and it just kinda flowed through my fingers like sand. In the end, I can’t say that none of it mattered, but it felt like it didn’t.
It’s the immortal quandry. How can you make anyone do anything? You can’t. You can control only you, and even then you’ll fuck up sometimes. I’m just remembering that in this case asking why isn’t helping and I have to stop. In this case I have to take my tender little feelers and heal them over here. He’s not being reasonable and that should not shock me. He wasn’t reasonable for a really long time now and us busting up won’t change that. If I could make him reason we’d still be together.
The real lesson in the end is that I’m okay. It happened and I’m okay. I can risk with Cleveland and enjoy falling for a sweet and loving man with a super fun naughty side because it is wonderful and it really might work, and if it doesn’t, I’ll be okay.
I can not read into Traveler. I know he loves me and I love him. He’s a good man. And you know.. I’m okay there too.
People love you until they don’t, so it’s a good idea not to absolutely need that, but it’s one of the best parts about being a human so it’s not to be missed. Love those you love freely and deeply, and keep your feet because you just might need them.