Tender Little Feelers

I’ve been a little insecure for a few days.  I’m working on it, and it’s not overwhelming or a big deal, but it’s not super fun.

feelersLittle things and big things.

I kept having this nagging little thought.  Why did Hubby not pick me, like from the beginning?  Why’d he tell RollerGirl 2 months in that he felt like he was cheating on her with me?  Why did he do stuff like become super irate when I asked to talk about our safe-sex agreement and never forgive me for even asking when RollerGirl herself admitted she misinterpreted what I’d written and it was clear I just wanted to talk about it?  He could never forgive that I’d upset her.  What I mean is.. why did he instantly pick her over me?  It’s a hard thought to process.  It’s a version of the why are they better.  That alone tells me it’s at least partially stuff that is really about me and in my head, but at least part of this IS in fact true.  He DID replace me.  It took a while but he finally admitted it and is clear he did it.

Here’s the deal though.. again.. he didn’t sit down and reason it out.  He didn’t list the pro’s and con’s.  He didn’t carefully consider and then throw me away.  He didn’t weigh anything and determine she was a better partner.  He freely acknowledges she isn’t in fact a better partner.  I think he did it before he knew he did it and he likely has no idea why too.  It’s probably a lot of things.

This has kinda spilled over into other areas in me though.

And finally.. I really like Cleveland and that scares me a little.  He told me he loves me.  I’m not there yet, not able to say such big things, but I care about him and I like what we’re building.  I am cautious and not wanting to attach to anyone for anything but themselves.  I took a huge blow with Hubby so I’m being slow and careful.  I don’t want to attach to someone to deal with my pain.  Cleveland is awesome and worthy of his own attachment, so I’m attaching slowly and carefully and mindfully.   I  have no hurry.  He’s amazing.

Having said that, I care about him.  I’m excited to be with him.  I’m falling for him.  I’m happy things are so good.  I love being with him and I love talking to him.  I love our dates and our chats and texts and hobbies.  I love fucking him and holding him, and I appreciate his clear and open communication.  He’s kind and honest and hard to resist.  There are a few qualities actually that make me think of Traveler.  It makes me happy and makes me smile, but it also makes me a little insecure.  If you care, they can hurt you.  It’s old stuff, this fear of putting something out there.  I spent so much of my life trying not to connect so that people couldn’t do things to me like what hubby did.

People love you until they don’t, and that’s just how it is.  The weird part is, I do see that sometimes they love you and they don’t stop.  I thought I had that with Hubby and I didn’t.  Not knowing why it exploded makes me more afraid because I don’t feel like I would understand how to stop it next time or how to keep it together, but you know… you really can’t.  Even if I knew absolutely why, I’m not sure I would have been able to stop it.  I saw it happening and everything I tried was ineffectual.  I was sweet or demanding or reasonable or emotional.  I tried and tried and tried to talk to him about it.  I tried to talk to RollerGirl about it and she wanted to help but seemingly could do nothing about it either.  I tried counseling and meetups, tried to make a weekender he never wanted to take, dates he never stuck to, tried to seduce him or level with him or remind him, and it just kinda flowed through my fingers like sand.  In the end, I can’t say that none of it mattered, but it felt like it didn’t.

butt hurt 2It’s the immortal quandry.  How can you make anyone do anything?  You can’t.  You can control only you, and even then you’ll fuck up sometimes.  I’m just remembering that in this case asking why isn’t helping and I have to stop.  In this case I have to take my tender little feelers and heal them over here.  He’s not being reasonable and that should not shock me.  He wasn’t reasonable for a really long time now and us busting up won’t change that.  If I could make him reason we’d still be together.

The real lesson in the end is that I’m okay.  It happened and I’m okay.  I can risk with Cleveland and enjoy falling for a sweet and loving man with a super fun naughty side because it is wonderful and it really might work, and if it doesn’t, I’ll be okay.

I can not read into Traveler.  I know he loves me and I love him.  He’s a good man.  And you know.. I’m okay there too.

People love you until they don’t, so it’s a good idea not to absolutely need that, but it’s one of the best parts about being a human so it’s not to be missed.  Love those you love freely and deeply, and keep your feet because you just might need them.

5 Comments

  1. I’ve often said that being in love is one of the worst things you can do; it rarely ever turns out the way you envision it. There are some things about love and relationships that are just weird and hard to make sense out of, like, how you can be the perfect partner for someone… and not really.

    One of the reasons why I embraced being poly was understanding something about the women who shared my life: They were all everything that the others weren’t, that is, their strengths and weaknesses worked together in such a way that made me extremely comfortable with them; what I wasn’t getting from one I could get from another and all that.

    If it means anything and helps you feel better, if I were your hubby, I would have found a way to keep you and Rollergirl 2 – I know I could have done it and in a way that would have made both of you happy campers in the process. But I also understand that there are some guys who just cannot embrace the complexities of the poly relationship, that if they find someone they perceive as being better, instead of going with the flow and figuring out how to make things work, one woman gets kicked to the curb and for reasons that, on the surface, don’t make any sense to her.

    I feel your pain and confusion; I understand what you’re saying about Cleveland and, again, if it helps, I’d say to you not to be afraid to love him if that’s meant to be – simply accept that this is how you feel and if there’s something to be done because of the way you feel, then you’ll work it all out with him if/when the time comes. I understand being cautious and all that but don’t ‘punish’ Cleveland for the stupidity your husband foisted on you, okay? Just because he tells you that he loves you doesn’t mean you have to jump to warp speed and start falling all over yourself to engage in something you may not be emotionally ready to deal with – just accept that this is how he feels and keep on enjoying him as much as you obviously do.

    Handle your business in this as you see fit and the best you can, of course; I just wanted you to know that I understand and to give you some moral support, as it were.

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  2. I listened to your and Cleveland’s podcast yesterday, having gotten the link from Speaking Out On Nate and it was great 🙂 Hope you guys do that again. Looking forward to following your blog.

    Like

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