Chain Yankers

Peaches was recently dating this guy.. let’s call him Ass for short.  She and Ass started out as a friends with benefits kinda thing and had some really fantastic sex and then some fun non-sex adventures and some nice time together.. and they fell in love -quickly.  It was intense.  Flurries of texts and professions of amour and all kinds of heat were flowing.  Then he tells her “I can’t stand this.  I can’t share.  I need you to choose. It’s gotta be me or being open.  She thinks about it and decides she wants a shot with this guy and she’s going to let Traveler go.  It makes her sad, but Ass is offering her a relationship that meets a lot more of her needs and desires and she’s not really sure she’s open anyway, having only tried the open thing for Traveler.

The night before she is set to tell Traveler, Ass says “Wait.. don’t pull the trigger.  Actually I can’t do this relationship at all.  My parents expect me to marry a girl from this country we are from and they will never accept you.  I told you from day one I’m only looking to marry girls from this certain country and we were supposed to be casual.  I have to stick to that.  Let’s go back to just being friends with benefits”.

Um.. that never works.  But they tried.  Predictably it was difficult and painful.  Then he cut it off entirely and said “let’s just be friends”.  So they did.  Peaches loved the guy and mourned this.  He called her up soon after saying… “I miss you.  I want to be with you.  Do you miss me?”.  She did.  They hooked up again.  Their crazy crazy chemistry and ease was lovely.  So they again were friends with benefits.. seeing a lot of each other.  Then she was downgraded to once a week max and then offered more, and less.. blah blah blah.  He kept saying come here and go away.  He kept yanking her chain and it did a number on her self esteem, that she’d allowed him to jerk her back and forth like this because she just wanted to be with him.  Ass wasn’t doing it on purpose and he’s not by nature an ass, but he was acting like one in this relationship. It’s painful to have a carrot dangled in your face and ever out of reach.

Chain yankers.

ImageOne of the things that makes me crazy about dating is chain yankers.  There are a bunch of varieties of them.. like Peach’s situation above, and like Blue.  To refresh memory, Blue is the guy I recently met on OKC.  He’s the sexologist I recently had a nice little talking and steamy date with.  He’s pretty cool, but he’s a damn chain yanker too.  😦

We had a number of great conversations, in text and phone, sometimes hours long, and some great flirtation, and he went out of town and promptly contacted me when he got back.  He was spotty with conversation via text, but we planned a date.  We set up a coffee meet, had a really nice cup of joe and a long good talk and some kisses and decided to date and play.  Good times.

We set up a date and he cancelled at the last minute, saying he wasn’t feeling it.  He’d had a very bad day.  He was extra spotty in his texts and not really responsive, and I started to get annoyed.  He called.  He really was going through some shit and I related to a good deal of it.  We ended up talking as friends for a while, commiserating about our divorces and decided to meet for just pizza and ice-cream and have a no-sex date.  We met, had the pizza and a great chat and ended up fucking anyway.  With the pressure removed and all the good talk, he was relieved and more amorous.  A nice time was had by all.

Then he was spotty in communication again.  He said he wanted to see me and made sure I agreed to do so before he left.  We’d text here and there, a message or two, but in general things would happen like him texting “How are you”, and me answering and then getting no response from him for days.  At first I thought nothing of it.  People get busy.  Then it started to annoy me.

I’m not hard to please.  I pretty much expect that people answer my texts as they are able… maybe within the same day when possible.  I hope that when something comes up and they drop it that later they let me know or whatever.  If they are at work I just assume work came up.  To not text back for days or just never answer questions like “when do you want to get together?” is annoying.

I had the possibility of a date Friday with Cleveland, but it was really tentative and as expected didn’t pan out.  Cleveland communicated that nice and clear.  Yay for good communication.  I told Blue I could see him maybe if things didn’t work out that night with Cleveland, and Blue was on board.  That morning I got word from Cleveland and was free and let Blue know that he and I could get together.  We had spotty texts setting the time and then he just cancelled, saying “had a client call, need to work this evening”.

Hey.. work is understandable, but that seemed curt.  Well, maybe he had to hurry.  Whatever.  Of course then he was cryptic and unresponsive again.  Oi vey.  I tell him if he wants to see me to reschedule.  He says “yep.  Check in?”.   The last time he said this he called.  I say sure thinking he wants to call me.  Nothing happens.  I ask “does that mean to call you or you’re calling me?”.  No answer. No answer to my texts for a day and a half.

I can’t stand this kind of thing.  It’s chain yanking.

  • I love spontaneity and it’s fine to check if I’m free last minute or whatever.  Sometimes I am.  But to be so bad at scheduling that you consistently cancel with little or no explanation sucks.
  • To text someone and ask how they are and have them respond and ask you and just never answer back sucks.
  • To be so fucking busy or unresponsive you can’t text for 3 days sucks.

It’s weird because he made this big thing about wanting to be more than a simple sexual relationship and how important connection was, and he spent hours and hours talking and talking.  When we were together he was not all about the sex until the sex.  He made a big thing about wanting to see me again.  Then it’s all spotty and unresponsive texts.  Grrrrr…

At first I thought.. fine.. I just won’t chase him.  I’ll let him come to me and see if I feel like seeing him again then.

Now I feel like.. maybe this isn’t for me.  I don’t care if someone does have some very interesting things to recommend them.  I don’t like chasing or having un-reciprocal relationships.  I don’t like really hot and cold.  I like people who are consistent and present and interested.  My honest impression is that Blue has too much on his plate and too much to deal with at this time while he is going through his divorce.  I’ll be here for support, but I’m not investing.  I’m disappointed, but I’m stepping back.  I don’t think he’s in a place to have some kind of association with me that would be fulfilling at this juncture.  I reserve the right to change my mind should he pop up again and be better handling things, because he is a cool guy and the chemistry and interests are pretty aligned, but for now… I’m spooling back up my lead.  I don’t like my chain yanked.



  1. Whoo, am I feeling this one right now. In fact, last week I had decided to pull it back, then we had a great weekend, and now I’m in turmoil again. I don’t know a lot for sure, but I know that this is not sustainable.


  2. I especially hate the sort of chain yankers that go like this:

    Him: Hey, ya wanna?
    Me: I dunno, now’s not a good time.
    Him: Hey, ya wanna now?
    Me: I’d love to but I can’t right now.
    Him: Hey, how about now?
    Me: OK, sure, let’s go!
    Him: oh, well, uh, I’m kinda busy, rain check?
    Me: OK, is now better?
    Him: you’re smothering me, I need space.
    Me: WTF, you’re the one who propositioned me, and now that I’m willing, somehow *I’m* the problem here?


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