Work to Do

Most of the time Peaches and I being friends works in Traveler’s favor.  We both love him and we genuinely like each other and spend a lot of time talking and doing stuff.  It’s nice for him because we like to all go to breakfast together, or hang out, and often she and I will work out schedules for our dates.  Easy peasy.  He’s really honest and has nothing to fear by us talking.  We’ve both checked in with him multiple times about it…if he’s okay with us becoming close, talking, hanging.  He is.

And yesterday it kinda backfired.  Peaches and I were supposed to go to a concert and it fell apart.  She was bummed about that and other things and just wanted to go home alone.  I tried to talk her into doing something else, but she was didn’t want to.  I left her to her bath plans.

I texted Traveler who’d asked earlier in the week if I was able to hang on Wednesday and told him I was free after all because the concert got cancelled, and Peaches made other plans, and would he like to meet for dinner or WoW?  He texted back that it sucked our concert was cancelled.

A while later I texted back and asked “So, do you wanna meet and eat or wanna WoW then?”.  He didn’t answer.  Peaches was feeling a little better and began chatting and I added that Peaches was free after all if he’d like to invite her.  Traveler was at his chiropracter and not answering, which is understandable, and then Peaches says Traveler just asked her out for a beer, so where are we meeting?

What?  Um.  Traveler wasn’t answering my texts and then he asks her out for a beer?  Wtf? 

I’m ashamed to admit my brain went to an ugly place.  “Oh, he ‘s not answering because he wanted to see if she was available first”. Granted I’d seen him with his wife the night before and played WoW, and maybe that was involved, but why wouldn’t he just answer me?   I assumed it was because he wanted to see what she wanted to do first.  If he had a shot at seeing her he wanted to try that first.  I felt like a backup girl.  Ouch.  (I am not proud of this)

I asked her if she had told him we were talking and she’d said she didn’t.  I didn’t ask for them, but she sent copies of the texts to show me.  They made it worse.   Right after I’d texted asking him out he’d texted her and asked what she was up to. He wasn’t answering me and had been texting her back and forth making their plans.  Then he’d said to her that it looked like I was looking for something to do too, and should they invite me or did she want to be alone?  Shit.  Shit.  Shit.

I was hurt and upset.   He’d been ignoring me and trying to meet up with her, and he’d asked if she wanted to invite me or be alone.  If she wanted to be alone he’d blow me off to be with her.  Wow.

I got all shitty.

I told her I didn’t want his pity invite and to go and have fun because he doesn’t owe me shit.  He texted and asked if I wanted us all to go eat because it sounded like Peaches had had a bad day.  I responded that she’d said he asked her out for a beer just now and I didn’t want to intrude.  (God falling on your pride stings).

He called a minute later.  I told him I was a little miffed.  We both went to talk at once and I let him speak first.  He explained that it had sounded like Peaches was upset and he hadn’t known if it was at him or what was going on and he’d wanted to talk to her about it and be there for her.  He said he didn’t know if she was upset because he and I had played WoW with his wife the night before and Peaches was getting a crappy date this week with her friend in town, and he hadn’t wanted to add to anything with her by seeing me on an additional day and then having our overnight on Friday.  He’d wanted to be sure to give her time if she’d needed it.

Oh crap.  Of course that was what he was doing.  Fucking insecurity!  Look what you made me do!  He was trying to be considerate to both of his girlfriends and my own insecurity had made me feel picked last.

I’ve had a hard week this week, emotionally. I’m just processing a bit.  I’m not sure what to do with some feelings.  I keep telling myself to stop asking why, but I worry it like a space with a missing tooth.  Why did Hubby throw me away?  When he started dating RollerGirl he stopped loving me.  He pushed and pushed and pushed.  I had loved him and treated him well for 12 years.  I know he loved me.  We had good thing.  So why did he just push me away and go to her?

I’ve had waves of anger that this woman said she’d loved me and we were family and she didn’t want him all to herself and then just walked away with my husband.  I know it’s not all RollerGirl’s fault by the way.  And slice it any way you like, he threw me away and spent months destroying us for her.  She is going to live my life with my husband and my house and my stuff and my pets and my world.  I spent 13 years loving and supporting him and his fucking Navy career and spending my summers taking care of our kids and she waltzed in to enjoy it.  And he says he just wants to know what it’s like to have a family with someone he loves.  Whether she meant to or not, she stole my husband and my family.  Whether he meant to or not, he threw me away for her, and yes, this affects me.

So.. here I was angry and hurt because really I’m afraid.   Does HE like HER better too?  Not the same guy or girl, but the same fear.

It’s not fair to make Traveler pay for Hubby and RollerGirl’s betrayal.  Peaches isn’t RollerGirl and Traveler isn’t Hubby.  Traveler is very good at handling his emotions and actually being poly. He is calm and clear and great at communicating.  Peaches respects Traveler’s time with me and with his wife.   She is excellent at being alone and does not on purpose or by accident make him feel pressured not to be with us because she can’t be by herself.

Traveler was checking with her first because he didn’t want to favor either of us or make us feel bad.  He was trying to find out why his girlfriend was upset and what she needed before he planned to see me again.  And I see it.  I have work to do.  I don’t know how to forgive people that aren’t even sorry.  I don’t know how to repair that kind of loss or heartache.  Of course it effects me.  Everything I was afraid of happened and RollerGirl and Hubby singularly and together hurt me.  But I don’t want to poison the good in my life with the bad of the past.  I want to love and be with Traveler for who he is.  I want to trust that Peaches isn’t like RollerGirl.  After we’d quickly resolved it, I welled up with tears and couldn’t speak.  I was glad I was on the phone.  He said, with the clarity of only the honest, “Holly, I love you.  I would not play games with you or do things purposely that would hurt you like that.  I love you.”

And yes.  I know that I just used my real name.

8 Comments

  1. I think when someone has been hurt as bad as you have been, there’s a little degree of PTSD, and whenever something comes along that resembles the thing that hurt you, you get taken back to that place and how it made you feel. I’ve been there. It took me 8 years to get over the worst of it, and I still have days where it gets to me.

    Like

  2. Holly…lovely name. Rhymes with Poly too 😉 This line “I don’t know how to forgive people that aren’t even sorry.” So true. I’ve never been able to put that feeling into words. You did. (Great honest post, thank you for sharing)

    Like

  3. The things we do to ourselves in our head. Forgiveness isn’t something you give to people who aren’t sorry Forgiveness is something you give yourself, and something you give to the universe. It’s peace, and it’s processing. It took me a good year after my divorce to not be constantly angry, and to make some peace with myself. You’ll get there. ❤

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s