I feel a time of growth.. of openness to thinking in new ways and to embracing new things. It’s taking all sorts of routes. I’m making changes, big and small.
Some of these are little things, cosmetic things or adventures. Some of them are sea changes and big rifts with my life before.
I pierced my nipples and spent a good amount of time Friday perusing pics of pierced vaginas and deciding what I wanted to get. I have decided on a clitoral hood piercing or a triangle (whichever fits better) combined with 6 labia piercings, 3 on each side. I looked at zillions of pics and decided that I like a symmetrical piercing layout because I think the asymmetrical layouts can look like a mess. 2 is too few and looks like horns or something and more than 4 per side looks odd to me too, like a centipede or something. So, 4-8 seemed good and 3 on each side seems ideal. I am getting the hood or triangle as soon as possible when I get back from polycamp. I will let that heal up and have fun for a bit and then get all my labia piercings at once, a couple of months later. I am doing this because I like the look and function of them. They make sex more fun for me and my partner and dammit.. it’s my pussy, and there isn’t anyone to weigh in and tell me I can’t. I think I am getting a updated haircut eventually too, with bangs. These are small changes. If I hate them I can grow them out or take them out. Whatever.
I am also making larger changes. I am deciding to no longer be a member of a 12 step group and to drink. This is not a desire to get drunk. In fact I think I should actively avoid getting drunk and should not use drugs. It is an acknowledgement of something I’ve thought for years. I think I had a real drinking problem, and that it was a symptom of what was wrong with me. I think my 12 step program was right that I needed to abstain from drinking completely and get down to causes and conditions, and that I couldn’t do that while I was drinking.
I got sober at 16 and have been sober for over 23 years. It’s been a huge part of my life and necessary. I don’t take it back. But, I also have long thought that I am not remotely the same person I was then. My long sobriety gave me time and space and clarity. I was in therapy for a good long time, a few years in fact. I grew up. I spent a long time working on myself and digging into the things down in there, the things my drinking was a symptom of. I think I was a really messed up person for a long time, and I think my years of sobriety gave me the clarity to fix so much of the damage that lived in me. I think I owe almost every good thing in my life to my participation in a 12 step program.
I know they aren’t popular and I know they are a tough sell. I am only saying that it worked for me and I am deeply deeply grateful. I am not a detractor or someone you will likely ever see detracting in any way from the 12 step model. It saved my life. I was so sick and suicidal and hurt. I was damaged in myriad ways and it straightened me out. Some of the happiest times of my life were in 12 step meetings and with my friends from there. The finest people I’ve ever known are there.
So, why leave? Why drink, knowing I might be wrong? Well, for a long time I haven’t drank because it didn’t seem worth it. I’ve gone to a lot of funerals for those who tried it a few more times. Hell, I broke it off with Great Date because he would not seek reasonable help for his drinking problem. I wasn’t willing to watch him cycle through this time and time again and had already observed cycle number 3. I had heard of a decade of cycles before that. I was looking at the choice between staying in a really happy and helpful and wonderful way of living that involves not drinking, or (if I’m right) enjoying adult beverages occasionally. Why risk it?!?!
I’ve come to a place though where I have to admit.. I’ve long thought I actually wasn’t an alcoholic of the variety I see in the rooms. I think honestly that I was a kid in a really fucked situation and home, trying to find comfort and conviviality. I was staying sober out of fear of what if and because I’d been so miserable before. I was also staying sober because so much of my life was in and with people who were sober and admitting that I no longer related would be firing a warning shot across their bough. I will lose friends over this. People will not understand. It will be letting go of a thing that has provided most of the love and support I’ve enjoyed over the years.
I’m doing it because I want to be true. I would like not to make such choices out of fear. I would like to see if I am right. If I am wrong I will have to come back to those 12 step rooms and admit it. I’d lose my fancy sobriety date, and that’s something I can live with. I couldn’t for years. I was so fucked up in the beginning and it took so long to straighten out my head and my life, but I did. With a lot of help and support and following directions I did. I want to see if I can live a normal life and live normally.
I’ve been sitting on this a while and am sitting on it a little longer to be sure. I think I’ve decided I’d like my first drink in 23 years to be a dirty martini. I never had mixed drinks and it’s fancy. It’s a celebration.
And again, on a smaller note, I played with another part of my personality. I got cuffs and a blindfolder and a little rubber flogger. I gathered up some fun things from around the house and set up a little sensation play, and it was fun. I realized most of my life I’ve been the sexual aggressor and decided it’d be fun to explore being the one to use the cuffs and to play. I looked up sensation play on the internet and got ideas and tried them, to great effect. I loved it! It was so fucking hot. I might have to admit I’m a teensy bit switchy.
Turn Turn Turn. Living openly and taking a chance at possibility is a little scary, but it’s honest and interesting. Name me one thing that matters that is in your life without risk?
Yeah… opening up to possibility.