Falter (When Will I Learn to Shut Up?)

ImageYesterday Hubby and I hashed out the details of our divorce.  I’m deeply relieved at no lawyers and no real vitriol.  But after we’d concluded the talk, I got weepy.  I spent a little time letting that out and went to Traveler’s to play WoW.  We planned a nice sexy shower and some good game time and it was a little different than planned.

I got there and we chatted as we ordered and waited for a pizza.  I asked him about work and his family and all the little bits of his life, kinda catching up a bit.  It was very intimate and sweet.  We snuggled a bit, ate some pizza and hit the shower.  We kept talking and washed each other and did not have the sexy vibe we’d assumed before I got there and it was good.  We laughed a bit and were just connected and relaxed.  It was very comfortable.

We played WoW for a while, and ended with more snuggles and talking.  It was a really nice peaceful evening until…

I asked him something playing at the corners of my mind-  did he think secondary relationships had any real chance at longevity?  I know I have thought about it but I wondered if he had.  We never talk about the future.  We talk about maybe taking a trip but never like “oh hey.. someday let’s go to New Orleans”… that implies a some day.  I don’t know for sure how he sees our relationship and if he thinks of any of it in long term.

ImageBut last night, with a little sadness with my husband, I think what I really wanted to hear that this love and comfort and companionship and trust I felt didn’t have an expiration date.  I knew that he and his wife had discussed their relationships and if they could build a life with their loves but I wanted to know if he could see a relationship with me having longevity.  So, dear God… I asked him.

I instantly felt totally off kilter and awkward and strange.  He said he did see potential and asked if I did.  I admitted I did.  Then I laid there panicking.  When we got up, shortly after, to have me go home he asked if I was worrying and I’d admitted I was.  I was unable to explain why I was worrying, and he hugged me from behind in the kitchen and told me that I shouldn’t spend so much time worrying…

ImageUgh.. I HATE being like that.  I hate being all girly and vulnerable and weak.  I held it together and covered and left with warm snuggles and kisses and then sobbed so much in my car I had to pull over to cry.  I cried about all of it; tears for my husband, who didn’t love me anymore when he loved her, the end of all our little dreams and plans and all the sacrifices, the war deployments, and all the times my heart broke because I missed his call from Malta and Saudi Arabia and the Philippines.  I cried for every time I opened my heart to someone that wasn’t worthy of it and all the times I kept it closed to avoid being hurt.  It was the kind of open mouthed sobbing that hurts.  I cried because I can’t talk about the future and it scares me that I can’t say “do you think we’ll celebrate Thanksgiving together someday? “.  I cried because I was awkward.  I cried because I don’t hate Hubby and I can empathize even if it makes no sense at all.  I cried because it’s stupid and that doesn’t matter.. it all happened anyway.  I cried because when Hubby told me he wanted to not be with me, so he could go and be with RollerGirl and raise her daughter and have another family, I didn’t want to be with him anymore either.  I was days away from asking for a divorce myself because of how he’d acted after he replaced me.  And I cried because I love Traveler and I don’t want him to stop loving me.  I cried because I love Cleveland and am falling for him so deeply and because he’s so wonderful and passionate and intelligent and sweet, and that scares me so very much.  There is nothing tying my loves to me or me to them.

If Hubby could push and push  until he threw me away, and he had all of those things holding him to me, how can I trust Cleveland or Traveler’s love either?  There is NOTHING holding them to me and there likely never will be.

ImageI realized this morning that I’m being needlessly worried here.  I KNOW that relationships are often finite and I accept them as being worth the future heart break anyway.  The measure of a relationship is not it’s length and a relationship isn’t a failure when it ends.  I accept the transitory nature of most relationships.  I’m worried about potential far off futures that may never exist.  I calmed when I thought of the now.  I live in a place I love and have a job that is fulfillingt.  I have friends and lovers and support.  I am literally surrounded by love.

8 Comments

  1. After reading all you’ve been through with this event in your life, I’m not surprised you’re feeling some kind of way about what the future may hold for you. With the other relationships you’ve formed, they should adequately fill the void that was created when you split with Hubby and if they’re telling you not to worry, then don’t worry because even in the poly life, these things happen. Worrying about the future is almost pointless because you’re worried about something that hasn’t happened yet, if you’re feeling me – but, again, it’s not all that unusual that this is kinda messing with you.

    Just be strong; embrace the companionship you still have, and enjoy life as best you can – it’ll be okay.

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  2. Excellent post! The auxiliary perception of secondary relationships makes it easy to feel transient. Make your own rules. Ask for what you need. (My guy and I never have seen each other on Christmas, and this will be our third one together. And even though that was fine until now, I want it to be different this year.) You have the right to ask for what you feel is important. Doesn’t always mean you’ll get it, but say the words out loud. (Apparently I’m preachy today, but I know so very well that feeling you described.) That vulnerability is scary, but it can also be a tremendous positive factor in your relationships. ~G

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  3. Every interaction we have with others is a voluntary act. People can ‘un-volunteer’ in relationships, jobs, or even life. Remain present in your relationships. Appreciate your fellow volunteers. That is all you can do.

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  4. I feel your pain. I’ve had those body assault cries before. Impermanence and loneliness can be very challenging. On my blog, I have a link to a piece there called “Letting Go Of Attachment”. When I have really bad days, I read that piece over and over. I also try to keep a Gratitude Journal where every day, I write down 5 things that I am thankful for. Sometimes that helps me too. And like you said, please remember that you are surrounded by love and a support system. And all the support of YOU! You’ll be OK. This too shall pass.

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