All That Glitters

There’s a little thing that comes up now and then at poly and kink munches and such and it’s a thing I support, but it’s got this undercurrent I’d like to kick in the taco.  It’s this kind of radically sex positive, “I can and should do the things I want to do in relationships and/or sexually”.  Yay!!  I love it.

You wanna have sex with a microwaved cantaloupe.  Good on ya.  You wanna get busy with 3 midgets or a guy that’s tall dark and handsome?  Whatever.  You wanna get your jollies draining a woman’s blood into a spray bottle and then dousing her all over in her own blood?  Whatever.  You kink is cool.  Your turning crank is your turning crank’s bidness.  I love it.  I love the freedom and expression, excitement and variety.  I crave kinky play so much I can’t SEE straight.  I want to be spanked till my bottom is ripe as a cherry and then suck my spanker’s cock till he’s close to coming, with his hand roughly in my hair, have him cool a tad and fuck me as hard as he can.  I want to hurt and please and be pleased.  I want to bruise.  I want to be bound and teased and tease.  I want to pet you lovingly and get beaten with a flogger over and over and over.  I want my skin to sing with electricity.  I want to make a girl scream as she cums with my entire hand in her pussy.  I love it all.  I want you to check if it’s turning me on by sticking your fingers in my pussy and seeing that I am soaking wet.  Delicious.

ImageI’m not even going to say the obligatory “except”…. you know it’s there.. blah blah kids, consent.. blah blah.

I’m GGG.  I’m down with YKINMKBYKIO (good giving and game and your kink is not my kink but your kink is okay).  BUT… I have a bone to pick.

It’s the idea that everything I want must be mine for the achieving.  It’s come about recently with a friend and his new girl.  My friend has been dating a guy for a long time and they were fluid bonded and committed and saw each other about 3-4 times a week on average.  He was good to her and she was good to him.  They both talked about how in love they were and how things were better than ever.  He added another girl recently and just… exploded everything.

ImageHe is nuts about the new girl and everything was lightening speed.  It’s all mad new-shiny and sparkling new relationship energy.  In less than a month she’s getting lots of time and the girlfriend is getting less and less.  In about a month and before a sexually transmitted disease test, he fluid bonded with the new girl.  The girlfriend had an issue with this.. clearly.  Having unprotected sex with a woman who’s had no test and that you’ve been dating a month is.. well.. it’s stupid.  I don’t care how long you’ve casually known this woman or how virtuous she seems.  If you are holding the fate of your partners in your hands, and you are by the way, you must take more care as you add people to your life.  You are not little single-solo-you.  You are a part of an intricate network of bonds and connections.  People are effected.

The girlfriend chose to not have unprotected sex with the boyfriend, which was really the only choice she was given.  So, his actions chose to have unprotected sex with an untested newcomer rather than the woman he’s been building something with and that has supported him through thick and thin for over a long time.  Ouch.

ImageIs it just me or can anyone else see that it was rather selfish and destructive to add his new partner the way he did and to totally disregard how his actions affected his existing partners?

I get being excited and giddy and wanting to see THEM all the time.  Believe me I get New Relationship Energy (NRE) just like everyone else.  It pisses me off though that on some occasions people talk about stuff like this as “well he really should have handled that better, but you know.. the heart wants what it wants”.  That may be true, but what’s wrong with letting the head weigh in a little?  I don’t think we should excuse or condone this kind of selfish self seeking disregard of others.  It’s not sex positive to okay absolutely everything with utter disregard for others.


I think if you are actually in multiple loving relationships, and actually poly, that you need to show some concern and respect for your existing commitments.  I don’t think we can afford uncontrolled NRE.  What’s wrong with building things slowly and smartly?  What’s wrong with keeping our dates and commitments and loving times with our existing partners?  What’s wrong with adding exciting sexy people with care?

Clearly your partners will have to process their own feelings about this stuff.  No matter what the poly icons say, we all get jealous sometimes and it’s our responsiblity to deal with our own emotions and baggage.  We have to actually be okay with what we say we are okay with.  We need to extend trust to our partners and adjust to changes and additions and new connections and bonds.  We will be effected by all added and subtracted partners and we do need to roll with the punches, of course.

But.. we also owe a certain debt to our partners.  They may not own us or we them, but we have invested and asked them to invest with us.  Their feelings matter, or should matter.

I say it all the time.  Polyamory is the Relationship Olympics.  It isn’t for everyone.  It is not effortlessly following our every whim.  Sometimes “no” has to be okay, or sometimes we have to accept “wait”.  The Olympics are special because they are human feats. If absolutely everyone did it all the time and it was effortless and fun, who would watch?

Traveler is very good at managing his three loving and committed relationships.  It’s rewarding and he’s a lucky man, blessed with 3 amazing women, if I do say so myself.  But he’ll tell you.. it’s hard.  It’s a lot of work.  He has to be conscientious about his contact with all of us and with our needs and desires and his own.  It’s difficult.  He is a lucky lucky man and also a poor bastard.  It is as wonderful and as challenging as you’d imagine.  The rewards are greater.  You get more sex and more affection and more support and more hands and hearts and minds.  You get more talks and cuddling and more passion, but it costs more care and more patience and more concern.  It costs not always getting absolutely everything you want and being happy because you get so very very many of the things you crave.

ImageI don’t know.  I think you can be totally down with and supportive of almost every and all kink and proclivity and desire a person can muster.  And I think satisfying urges and curiosities is lovely.  I love getting what I never thought I could because it could never occur in one person and the joy of my partners getting that too.  I love it, but I want there to be that caveat.  You can have almost everything your heart has ever desired, but you might have to be really really patient or be able to hear “not now”.  The world is your oyster, but you gotta share it, you know?


  1. Not only would I (as the long term girlfriend) have *not* had unprotected sex with him any more, I probably wouldn’t have sex at all with him. No, it’s not just you. He broke an agreement, and that is just poor practice in any relationship. ~G


  2. Pingback: Decisions | lucylynnee's Blog

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