Love Abounds

ImageMy dog died today.  She became sick a few days ago and I found out because the Vet accidentally called me.  I still don’t know exactly what was wrong with her or what the vet said or what the treatment options were because my husband won’t share info with me or answer questions.  He did let me see her though.

I came to the house today and spend a few hours with her.  You could see her come and go in her eyes.  A few times her one eye rolled back in her head and had spasms.  She stood most of the time, looking confused.  She nearly fell a few times, she was so weak.  She had a huge accident right before I got there and threw up while I was there.  She was too weak to lower herself down to lay down, so I helped her.  I laid with her and petted her belly a while.  Her breathing was rapid for a bit, but she calmed when I lay with her and she drifted off to sleep when I sat up and she was mostly in my lap.  She was peaceful for a good long time in her sleep.

I told her everything I felt about her and thanked her again and again.  I told her she was a good dog and that I loved her and how grateful I was for her love all these years.  She helped me raise my stepdaughters and supported me through two of my husband’s deployments, the loss of my father, and so many times when I needed affection or love.

ImageEvery dog walker or dog sitter we’ve ever had has offered to watch her for free just to be with her because she was just such a loving and gentle soul.  Three friends visited her for the therapeutic value of her love and acceptance.  She just radiated good.  I’ve never met a human or animal that radiated that kind of utter goodness and love.  Many people over the years commented on it.  I consider myself blessed to have shared my life with such an amazing being.

When my husband threw me away for Rollergirl, leaving Leeloo (my dog) was actually harder than leaving him.  I don’t make a lot of money and couldn’t afford a place with a dog or the care and feeding of a dog.  

I had to leave so he could come home, so I kissed my sweet girl for the last times and told her again how I loved her.  It was awful to leave knowing I’d never see her again.  I texted Hubby and asked if I could help or stay or if he wanted me to come back.

ImageI went to Traveler’s and his Wife’s house and ate a lovely meal with them and watched old episode’s of Flight of the Concords.  It was funny enough and distracting enough for a while.  I got a few kisses from him and some nice hugs from both of them and was soothed.  I got a text finally from Hubby answering all my questions about my dog with only “she is gone” and “goodnight”.

I had to run out of Traveler’s house.  I almost forgot my computer and my phone and just needed to go.  Traveler brought my computer out and held me for a while.  I was angry that Hubby had made this difficult thing so much harder.  I asked Traveler why my husband was such an awful person and why he hates me so much.  He wasn’t always such a dick, but he’s been one for a while now.  Traveler, of course, could offer no answer.

I had to pull over while I was driving home because I could not see.

Cleveland called and asked me if I needed him and offered to come and see me.  I told him I couldn’t ask him to do that and that it was getting late and he said he didn’t want to push but that he’d like to come.  I needed him and I said yes.

ImageHe touched me with his kindness, to drop everything at 10 at night to just be there for me.  We took off most of our clothes to be comfortable, not sexy, and he held me and listened and asked questions.  He petted me and teared up and told me he loved me and that he was sorry.  He let me talk about Leeloo and what kind of dog she was.  He let me cry.  After I’d cried it out some more, we talked and even laughed a little.  I felt so loved.  I felt heard and seen and touched and loved.  It radiated off of him and was there in every aspect of him.  I loved him so much, and felt safe to do so.  He wanted so badly to comfort me and love me.  I could feel him feeling with me.  I can’t do it justice.  It’s just one of those things.

I marvel sometimes at the love I have been allowed.  Cleveland dropped everything when I needed him and was just there.  Traveler and his wife let me eat with them, hugged me, and shared space and affection with me. When I’m not sexy or fun or interesting.. when I’m not entertaining.. when I am just me and just hurting.. .. when I am puffy faced and weepy and beaten.. I am loved.  I loved and was loved by the most amazing creature for 10 years.  I got to share that time and that space with her, and until two months ago everyone but her and I came and went.  We were each others constant.  Tonight when I needed it, the love I needed was there.  I’m going to sleep sad, for sure, but soothed too.  Leeloo was not the only amazing love I’ve been somehow blessed with.

ImageSometimes I feel like I’m whistling in the dark as I say over and over… it’s only a flesh wound and I really am okay, but you know.. I am.

Leeloo lived a long and wonderful life.  She has climbed mountains and traversed streams.  She has been all over.  She has been to DC and Virginia, North Carolina and Arkansas.  She’s seen the dessert and the hills.  She’s seen New Mexico and Arizona, California and Seattle and Hawaii.  She almost bit a Texas State Ranger and has been to dozens of parks and trails and bark parks.  She’s ridden on the 101 where it gets really really curvy and got carsick with me and once laid on me on the couch when I had a very high fever.  She’s swam and seen ice and snow and even lava once.  And I loved her, really loved her, so truly and so deeply and I know she knew it.  I got to tell her today, due to my husband’s small kindness, that I would love her forever and I’d miss her and I told her everything she meant to me.  I bore witness to her one last time and was there.  I’m just feeling it.  Love abounds.


May 2003-August 2013


  1. Embrace both the joy and pain of her life’s beginning and ending as it is as it was to be. Carry forward this knowledge and experience in your heart and let her love guide who and what you are becoming. Thinking of you with a smile and hugs.


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