One of the really interesting parts about getting divorced, or any other major change really is the opportunity to create you and your life over a little. Suddenly I’m not married to this person with a Navy career determining so much of my future. All of our plans are moot. What do I want to be if I’m not his wife? What am I doing with my life if I’m not part of that partnership, doing the things we decided we wanted to do?
Part of what I determined is that I want to travel. I want to see some stuff. I’m starting with Spain. The woman I was in love with that we never consummated because I was married to to Hubby and I are planning a trip to Spain. We are looking into ways to do it on the cheap and dreaming about the places we’ll go. I can be a woman that travels. I want to see India and Australia, South America. I want to experience things and go places. I want to save up and take trips. I can’t afford to do this much of course, but what if every 5-10 years I take a big trip? What if a couple of times a year I take a smaller trip.. like to somewhere interesting in the US? I’ve seen a lot, but there’s plenty I have not.
One of the other things was thinking about if I still wanted to be in my 12 step program. I was there since I was 16. Some of the finest people I’ve ever known were there. It was a huge part of my life. But to be honest.. I’ve known for a long time that I was most likely a very messed up kid and maybe not an alcoholic. I think I had a drinking problem, for sure, but I think a lot of it was circumstance and youth. I stayed because I loved the people and I was so attached. I stayed because it honestly made my life so much better. I stayed because it’s really all I ever knew. Then I started asking myself if I really wanted to stay when I knew I was doing it out of habit and maybe a little out of fear? Was I really being true to myself if I stayed? I was suddenly unfettered and I could ask questions like where do I belong. I loved it there and will go back in a heartbeat if I legitimately show any signs of a drinking problem because it’s a great way to live. But I was staying so I didn’t have to give up my sobriety date and staying because it’s just what I did. So, after a LOT of contemplation I left.
Last night I had my scheduled drink. I went with Cleveland and Traveler, Peaches and Traveler’s wife. I ordered a martini because I’ve never had one and it was GROSS. I hated it. My friend suggested I order something else. It had been 23 years and I should try something I might like. I tried a mojito and loved it. It was nice to just sip. I’m a pretty slow drinker in general of soda or tea or whatever and this was maybe even a little slower than that. I had my mojito and enjoyed it and was really happy with just one. I have no desire to get drunk and in fact will likely avoid it for a good long long time. I don’t like being sick or feeling massively out of control anymore. It was nice to make a decision for myself and to enjoy it.
I don’t know long term how this will work out, and I’m aware of how this will look and feel to those I was in the program with. They aren’t going to get it and I know how it looks. They’ll exchange worried glances by the coffeepot for very good reason. I’ve been to way more than my share of relapsers funerals. You don’t become as involved as I was for as long as I was and not get it. My friends will be scared and unhappy. I will lose some of them. Hopefully over time I’ll keep the ones that really know and love me and either see that I was right and I am one of those few people who wound up there and were helped but weren’t really alcoholics, or they’ll see me get sober again gratefully, sure of the truth now. Either way.
It’s scary and exciting.. this deciding who to be.