Saying What I Mean

peaceI went and hashed things out with Peaches.  I’ll stop being an idiot… of course it was Peaches. Turns out we’d had a series of misunderstandings till the other day she’d totally misread a text and it had all kinda…coalesced, like a cloud seed. Honestly a lot of it didn’t have much to do with us.

I am not addressing it here or anywhere else.

I listened and let her get it out.  I wanted to defend myself but stopped and I let her talk, and I was kind of hurt and surprised she was building up and carrying this stuff. A lot of what she was saying were these tiny things that had been misunderstood and I was like “what?!?! I never thought that?” A lot of it was stuff we could have easily resolved if we’d just talked about it. That made me think about all sorts of relationships and how we sometimes let things fester and sort of build things up in our minds. And I’m not immune to this either, by the way.

I realize I contributed to this.  I had that recent bout of insecurity, where a short while ago I’d was upset (wrongly) and compared, and that had made things awkward for Peaches.  I made amends but I realize that this added to my current situation with Peaches and her feelings about me.  She wasn’t aware that it had either, but when we talked we could both see that it had.  Because it had been so upsetting for her to deal with my insecure feeling that time, she thought I had all these insecure times or things that I don’t.  Peaches thought I’d been saying this and meaning that.  She’d thought I had feelings or thoughts I wasn’t sharing.  If Peaches had just asked me how I felt or told me her feelings it would have been nothing, but she’d stuffed.  She thought I had feelings and thoughts I wasn’t sharing.

Here’s one of the problems as I see it. I’m not obtuse or hinting. I’m saying what I actually feel and want. I do that pretty much most of the time.  It’s a blessing and a curse, because you know exactly where you stand with me and never ever have to guess, but it also means I talk about stuff that other people don’t and that can be very uncomfortable.  She thought I meant this and wondered what I was really saying. It was an utter shock to me that she’d been upset about the things she was upset about.  It’s poison to communicate this way. And she realized it too.

And the end point is… this was mostly about stuff that had nothing to do with us. I am the small potatoes here. It’s given me more resolve to address things as they happen and to be diligent in my communication. I don’t want to get there, building up things and garnering resentments. We pretty much resolved things, though it may take a little time and unraveling. We’ve promised to do a reality check, when we feel things might mean this or mean that.

kaneohe

Kaneohe Hawaii

Hilariously, (not really) after all of that, I tried to send Cleveland the text: “I think we worked it out.  We talked and I tried to hear her out.  I forgave her and I think we’ll be fine.  She’s just working through stuff and I’ve got empathy and compassion for that.  I’m glad your night sounded like it was better than your day”.  I had texted Traveler last (a few hours before) and it went to him instead.

Traveler was puzzled, having no idea why I’d worked something out with someone. I’m not dragging him into this, so I said that message was to Cleveland and that Peaches and I had had a text misunderstanding and had worked it out and it’s all good. Traveler isn’t one to pry, so he sent a smiley face and said “Ok. Good night. I love you too.”  I’m not interfering.

Peaches did a reality check as we’d agreed to and asked me if I’d wanted Traveler to know or if it had really been an accident.  I sent her a copy of the text and my responses and assured her it was an accident and I would not be spilling any beans other than my own. I hope that with time she will stop wondering what I really mean. I don’t do hints. I can’t do much about anyone else, but I CAN keep my side of the street clean.

1 Comment

  1. Thank you. I needed this as much as you did. This has pushed me into making more of an effort to be considerate AND compassionate to others (partners and metamours, especially) when it comes to navigating our way through those difficult and sticky situations that are easier to avoid. You have become a great ( and I’m willing to bet much appreciated within your murder) team player.

    Like

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