Good morning lover. I just left your warm bed. I can still smell you on my skin and I’m still sleepy and languid. You apologized for the low-key night and I just thanked you. You are so silly. I loved just being with you, marveling if the way your mind works and soothing your tired thoughts. I could pet you for hours. I knew you would be exhausted the moment I got your text saying you wanted out of there but still had so much work to do. So I ate sushi with you and petted you and relaxed with you and administered to you, rode you until our release and cuddled you to sleep.
I was careful when you asked me what happened. I will not be a source of poison and drama, so I told you only what was mine to tell, but I have to admit that was hard. I want to tell you everything. You looked at me with your open and trusting eyes, taking in all I was saying and I could see that you knew I wasn’t telling you everything. It’s not like me to hold back but I can find no way that makes sense to tell you what isn’t mine to tell. When I talked about how I don’t like to let things lie… I saw it there. You knew what I was talking about and it was the only warning I could give you.
I can’t tell you how everything went down because I would be putting you in an impossible situation, so I made peace and I’m taking this one. I’m processing my stuff over here. The whole thing wasn’t about me. It was about you. I’m her friend and I like supporting her. But I am yours and last night and this morning I was with you and that made me despise uncertainty and the unspoken. How could anyone ever be ready to hurt you?
Moving with you- Feeling your touch and your kisses and your hands- Breathing your breath- Hearing the timber of your voice and the cadence of your thought- Marveling at your mind- Loving your laugh- Listening to you sleep and feeling you reflexively respond to me holding you, I want to protect you. I want to protect you from everything, every heart break and misunderstanding, every rejection and slight. I want nothing and no one to ever take you for granted or not see your wonder. I want no friend to ever be untrustworthy or careless. I want your open heart cradled and eased.
I want those that hold you to use care because you’re precious. I don’t say this lightly. You are precious. You are magic. You are kindness and decency and a concern for what is right. You love with your actions, building slowly and carefully and opening so very very cautiously. You are passion and fulfillment and intellectual curiosity.
I can’t shield you though and even if I broke every confidence and spent every moment of my life trying to do so, I’d never protect you from your own life, not if you lived it. I have to trust that you will do what we all do when we hurt. I hope you’ll let me comfort you and support you and help you rebuild. I hope you’ll keep me there inside your trust and that you’ll be resilient enough to be open again, maybe more wisely but hopefully not with more defense.
I’m not a fortune teller and I don’t know when, but I know that love won’t spare you any more than it spares any of us. None of us will get out alive and nobody survives unscathed. Any life that is genuine and any one who lives with any kind of openness to life encounters risk. I don’t have a choice here but to love you and support you as you discover things on your own and at your own time and pace. You are strong. I need to remember that. These things that knock off these little pieces of us shape us and release us from the stone. We are tempered by life, and so too will you be strengthened and revealed. I remember I’m blessed to be here to watch it and to hold your hand in it. I am yours and you are mine, as surely as if nobody else laid the claim they do, but even with that I can’t protect you and that’s not actually what I’m here for. You are your own man and you’ve got this one, but you don’t have it alone, okay? I’m here. I’m here to love you.
I have to shower and get to work now, and I hate to get rid of your scent, but I’ll see you tomorrow. I’ll give you a hundred kisses, enough for now and hopefully a few for later. I love you.