***I try not to edit the past or edit blogs for content if I later find them upsetting or embarrassing or whatever, but this time it wasn’t about me and that’s not okay. This post was edited because it contained information about others and I have deleted their information. It is important that I am careful with others info and I was not as careful as I should have been, so it was deleted.***
I’ve had a little slew of relieving epiphanies in the last day and a half. I had a nice really long date with Traveler. It started late because he slept in. I had a lovely amount of time and I wanted to enjoy it. So I did. And man, it was a perfect date. The best part was, it started with all the secrets revealed.
Peaches is in a terrible position. I worried Traveler would get hurt.
She had some things she was dealing with that Traveler didn’t know and it worried me and I felt weird knowing these things that might hurt him and that I knew he didn’t know. I still can’t believe it, but she told Traveler some of it.
Traveler loves her and cares about her, and he’s aware of some things that might affect him. Traveler knows he can be hurt but he’s choosing to enjoy the time they have, and he feels he will be okay. He loves her. He’s loving her cautiously and he is prepared because he’s invested slowly and wisely. Thank God.
Traveler is also on board to help her with something, and that scared me before he knew the situation. Would he still want to do that if he had some certain information? Would he still want to help her if he knew what she was thinking? It was KILLING me sitting there at a restaurant hearing how he wanted to help Peaches and knowing things he didn’t that might effect him. I was so angry at her. I wanted to protect him. So I asked him, because I couldn’t not ask him “it’s just me, but I want to know, would you still help if your relationship status with her changed, like if she tried to change it again”? I said I was just concerned because a few months ago she had done this thing (and I knew he’d known about that, so I could ask that and not break her confidence about other things). He told me he would because he cares about her and he wants to help her if he can, not just because she’s his girlfriend, but because he cares about her and that this would not change if their status changed. I figured as much. Oh thank god.
It was a refreshing conversation. We talked about ways we could help and that felt good. He knows enough and he will be OK regardless. I think he sees some things too on his own. He didn’t say it, and would never talk about her to me, but I felt relieved that he seems like he’s clear enough that he’ll be okay and is making an informed enough decision.
Even though she and I promised we weren’t going to tell Traveler what her texts and our misunderstanding were about, she spilled that. Luckily he’s smart. I’m going to try to believe she told him just as part of her general coming clean and not to talk shit about me. Either way, he didn’t hold that against me. For example, she’d been upset at Polycamp because we’d been about to play a game and I’d been sitting at the picnic table and had my water and my snack and my lip balm and hoody and was sitting next to Traveler. I realized I might want my flashlight and ran in the cabin to get it and when I came back she was sitting in my spot. I joked with Traveler that he was a lousy seat-saver and he joked back that it didn’t really matter. I agreed, was mildly annoyed that I had to move all my stuff, but it was quick and easy and forgotten. She was upset with me because she was convinced I was mad at her because Traveler’s right side is better since he’s left handed and that I’d coveted that spot and been angry because Peaches had the best spot. I think that’s crazy. Who gives a crap what side you sit on? I hadn’t wanted to move my stuff, but after it took less than 5 seconds I was over it. I just sat on his other side. He said “she told me what she was upset at you for and honestly I’d say it’s not really any reason a person would normally be upset at someone”. For example, even if I HAD been upset that I’d had to move a few things or sit on the “bad side” of someone, why would that be a reason for anyone to be upset at me?
So, Traveler and I hit the road to some wineries and I was feeling happy and relieved and unburdened. I just operate so much better when everything is on the table and clear. Traveler confessed that he does too.
We visited a few lovely wineries and took a tour. I got to taste a bunch of types and varieties of wines, and I was careful to pour out all the things I didn’t love and to partake carefully of the ones I did. I was afraid to get drunk and I’m a light-weight. Man, were there some good wines! And some bad ones.. :(. I hate most Cabernet Sauvingnon.
I did very well at the first tastings. I was careful not to drink too much of the samples and poured out a lot. Then we decided to try to hit one more before they closed. The one we picked was kinda crummy and we rushed through it to hit another good one. We’d shared a glass at the crummy one and drank very little. At the last one we each got a glass and tasted 5 wines each, sharing our glasses with each other and comparing. This proved to be a huge mistake. They had a number of delicious wines and we were rushing and I drank too much too fast and got drunk. I was suddenly drunk, one minute great, the next I had to go sit down. It just hit me like a wall. I HATED it. I was so relieved when it passed. It’s nice to know that I hate feeling drunk now. If I was never drunk again I’d be fine with that. I ate some food and drank water and recovered. I gotta say, I was worried what would happen if I drank too much someday.. would I have a drinking problem after all? I honestly can say I don’t. I’m honestly happy with one. I don’t like feeling drunk and I really only want to drink yummy things for the taste and not for that effect. Relief number 2.
(This next bit is about a different kind of relief with Traveler. Maybe skip it if you’d care not to read about sensuality or sex). We recovered from the winery and got some coffee. We got some yummy things to have a little carpet picnic, and headed back to his place. We both really wanted to play WoW because it’s been a while, but we just ended up snuggling on the couch. We both just got so blissed out petting each other. I asked him to go upstairs and get naked and pet, and we did. It felt like hours and hours but we just snuggled and pet and snuggled and pet. It’s been a long time since we’ve done that, just blissed out on touch that way. We weren’t even playing any music, just touching. After a very very long time, our touch changed and built and he took me. He was overcome, as I was. We were in this really intimate place, from all of our talk and all of our touch. We kissed and watched each other a lot as we moved together, so present and passionate and feeling. Watching his blue eyes deepen and the pleasure on his face, trying to keep my eyes open… pure and utter joy. All my love for him and all the openness of the day, my relief in everything being clear between us, it just overflowed. It was such connected passion.
We slept together even if we were a little fitful, waking a few times. I kept myself wrapped on him and him on me, and in the morning he told me to stay in bed as he got up and brought us coffee and juice. I teasingly asked him if he’d like head for the trouble and he’d taken me seriously and asked if I’d just hold him a little longer and pet him with magic fingers. He said he wasn’t ready to stop being held. Such sweet relief. Sigh.