I have to stop comparing. It’s making me so fucking unhappy. Stop stop stop.
I am playing WoW and can’t concentrate because I’m all butt-hurt. There. It helped even to write it. I have to stop comparing. This is the second time I’ve done this and it’s so dumb. I have to stop looking at my cake and then theirs and my cake and then theirs because it just makes me so miserable and otherwise I’m actually very happy. Plus it’s just impossible and wrong. When I’m focusing on my stuff, my plate, my world, all is well. When I look at theirs I think.. hey.. why do they get so much?
So, it’s a four day weekend and I was pretty fucking thrilled because that means I’d get a nice long date… a Saturday. I love Saturday dates, especially when they start a little early. It feels so long and you can have so much fun and relaxing and naughty time and just goodness. And nobody is tired from the week. And there’s breakfast. Mmmm.
So, nobody did anything wrong, but I just kinda feel like I got shafted and you know.. it’s really me and my head doing it. It’s all my head and it’s stupid. Peaches got all of Friday night and the morning Saturday, and I got the afternoon and evening Saturday and she got the morning, afternoon and evening Sunday, and the whole morning Monday. I’ll get to see him for a tiny bit as he’s coming to my piercing with me, and I find myself butt hurt.
Let me explain. I am doing this to myself. It is totally me!
I had a PERFECT date Saturday. I loved it. We had plenty of time to hit some wineries and still had lots of time together and just a wonderful wonderful time. It was relaxing and sweet and passionate and loving and just awesome. I spent the night with Cleveland last night and had ANOTHER perfect date. And Traveler WANTED to come with me and asked to do so and it will be great to have him there.
It’s my brain that starts to tally. Sure.. I had one great afternoon and evening and a quick piercing. Why did SHE get all of Friday, half of Saturday, all of Sunday, and half of Monday though? (ugh… ) My sick head kicks in. I start to gather evidence, real and imagined. Why does that bother me? It shouldn’t. Seriously why am I being so dumb?
Please don’t send me messages about how much I suck to be jealous this way. I KNOW I do. I know that this is my unprocessed fear. Hubby stop loving and dumped me, replaced me. Traveler will shaft me for her too. Even he.. he likes her better, because EVERYONE is better than me. Ugh.. Sick Sick Sick.
Writing stuff like this helps because I see the poison I’m interjecting. Working out helps and remembering true things helps. I love Traveler and he loves me. I KNOW this. He tells me and shows me constantly. He’s very considerate and kind and loving. He’s affectionate and passionate and wonderful. I KNOW he’s happy and I am too. Our time together is good and I’m very happy with our relationship on pretty much every level. Traveler is not a game player and he’s very very very careful to be loving and kind to all the women in his life and to treat us all well. He’s a good man with a good heart and good intentions. When I remember who he is, I feel this fear kind of slink away.
When I remember that I am fine actually…. that I don’t NEED any of this, I feel better. I am not determined by Traveler or anyone else either. If he DID want to throw me away that’d be HIS stupidity, not mine. That would hurt and I would hate it, but I would be okay then too. Hubby didn’t break me and Traveler wouldn’t either. Traveler isn’t ranking us and this kind of thinking is poisonous and unhealthy and makes me unhappy.
It’s amazing the difference perspective makes. I am glad I don’t do this a lot. I’m glad I’m finding ways that work to stop it when I do. I think of all the things I’m grateful for. I think of his happiness and how much I love that, even if I’m not causing it. I love thinking of Traveler being appreciated and loved. I think about book characters and blogs and good times. I think about how much I love them and they love me. I think about things that give my brain better things to chew. I can’t just not think, so I turn to better thoughts instead. I feel calmer and more myself. I feel happier and more relaxed and back on solid footing. I think about my wonderful date with Cleveland and how that didn’t detract from my time with Traveler or make me not like Traveler or whatever. I remember that I don’t have to be replaced. I feel myself click back into reason and ration and peace. I think about all the beautiful things in my life and all the love I’m blessed with and I’m grateful again. I have way more joy and peace and love and life in my life than any one human has a right to hope for. Even if the midst of chaos, I’ve really been relatively okay. Sure, it’s painful. Sure, I’m left doubting myself and scared for my love but I’m stronger than I realized and I knew I was pretty strong. My foundation was rocked a bit, but it wasn’t broken.
I’m embarrassed that I went there again, but I think part of healing is admitting it and seeing when and how and why and changing. I love the freedom and peace and serenity this gives me. I like loving my lovers and not calculating them. Ahhhh.. some more relief.
He just called. Time to go get my pussy pierced. 🙂