Not Like That

***I try not to edit the past or edit blogs for content if I later find them upsetting or embarrassing or whatever, but this time it wasn’t about me and that’s not okay. This post was edited because it contained information other people did not want shared and I have deleted their information. It is important that I am more careful with others info and I was not as careful as I should have been, so it was deleted.***

I like to have dreams about my sweeties, but not like that.

I had a dream last night that Traveler, Traveler’s wife, Peaches, Dragon and I were at a party. After a while we noticed Traveler and Dragon were gone and Traveler’s wife wanted to ask them something. We went looking and found Traveler and Dragon in the host’s big old tub in a sea of bubbles. They had champagne and looked smug to be caught together at the party. Traveler’s wife asked Traveler what the hell he was doing and Traveler said he was celebrating. He said he and Dragon were finally on the same page and that he would be moving to San Francisco with Dragon and they were planning to marry. Peaches and I put our arms around Traveler’s wife, who was shocked. I asked, what about us (meaning Traveler’s wife, Peaches and I)? Traveler laughed and Dragon did too, cruelly. Traveler said he was sorry to hurt his wife, but really.. what did I have to be upset about? “Oh, you didn’t think this was like.. really love, did you? Oh god. You did. Wow. That’s kinda pathetic”. And then he and Dragon laughed and laughed and laughed.

I went to Cleveland for some solace and he pulled away from hugging me when I shared the last line, about how Traveler was amused I thought he’d loved me, and Cleveland said “well he has a point. I mean.. oh.. wow… you really do think that we loved you. Um. Honey. That’s really sad. Of course we don’t LOVE you love you. God you’re needy.”

I woke up crying.

I’m okay and I’ll be okay. I went to sleep late last night after picking up Peaches and her daughter. I’d talked with Peaches earlier and I think I felt a little betrayed. I asked her about telling Traveler the things she’d been upset at me for, the stuff she promised she wouldn’t, all the things he thankfully didn’t take to heart and hate me for, and she’d said she didn’t tell him any of that. I felt like she was lying and it shouldn’t matter that much, because he hadn’t let it hurt anything with him and I. I’d been afraid of nothing but I was still afraid. I’d been afraid that she would talk badly of me to Traveler and affect our relationship. I was afraid she’d be like Roller Girl.

Sometimes girls do this thing where they aren’t really friends and they sabotage each other. It’s a tendency I’ve never understood, but women are truly evil in this way sometimes. For the record, I don’t think Peaches is evil like that, or anything like Rollergirl (who is also not evil by the way) but I do think she told Traveler stuff that upset her about me after she promised me she wouldn’t. I had kept my promise. I told him honestly that Peaches and I had had a misunderstanding but that we’d talked it out and were okay. I don’t think she did it to speak ill of me at all, but it’s just that she knew this was a tender thing for me. I had asked her specifically and she had promised. I hadn’t wanted either of us to say anything bad about each other to Traveler.

Yes, I know Traveler is smart and thinks for himself, but still. My husband was a smart man too and look at what happened there. I’m not saying Rollergirl single-handedly destroyed my marriage, or anything Machiavellian like that, but it had hurt things between my husband and I. Hubby had been so angry at me for any thing I’d ever done that upset RollerGirl in any way. I’ve been burned by stuff like this and I didn’t want her putting that shit in his head. Well.. turns out I couldn’t stop it and it didn’t matter, but still… I do feel a little betrayed. it’s just something I’m really sensitive about.

In the end it doesn’t matter and I don’t want to be the source of any kind of drama. I’m letting it go.

I hate that I feel less than. I hate that I feel insecure sometimes. I hate waking up in tears over a stupid dream. I’m going to go shower and start my day over. What else can you do?


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