I wrote the following letter to Traveler. I changed only the names.
“Hey honey. I am afraid this is going to be a long and woo woo one and I totally get if you don’t have time to read it, but I feel like my heart is really open and I wanted to say a couple of things to you. I know I tell you all the time and I try to show you, but I am so fucking crazy about you. I love you. I love your very soul. Wow. That’s just… I’m not deleting it, though I want to. I think I tell you all the time, but I hold something back sometimes because I don’t want to be “too much” or scare you or be weird.
I just got back from a talk with [your wife], and damn. I totally get why you talk about her wisdom and her heart. The more I get to know her the more I am in awe and I just love her. She is one of the most unique and wonderful people I have ever met. It takes a long time for people to get to know me usually, which isn’t something a lot of people get because I seem so open and easy to know. I keep this well of all my woo woo shit and my vulnerable bits kinda to myself. You of course have seen some of that and I’ve gotten a bit dramatic or vulnerable or woo woo with you, but I’m usually pretty careful too. It just kinda flowed with her tonight. She just brought it out in me. I just felt so open. Something about her I guess..
Anyway, I could not fight this urge, all the way home to think of the email I wanted to send you. I wanted to pour my heart out and tell you every damn thing I think, but I’ll just tell you a few.
I am grateful for you. I am grateful that you are the person you are. I see how hard you try to do the right thing and to be honest and just and kind. I see the strength it takes to live that way and the difficulty. I see the impossible position you are in sometimes and I’m sorry that I contributed to that. I hate those times I’ve been insecure and splashed you with the stuff I’m feeling and processing.
I want to shield you from it and not make you pay for anyone else’s mistakes, but it DOES affect me and it has affected you and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for every tiny jealous bit or insecure moment. I think you know it’s not how I generally am, but I’m sorry it’s splashed you at all and I know you’re empathetic enough that you’ve felt it. You work so hard to be even and just and it sucks that you even have to. I wish I didn’t do that to you. It sucks that it’s anything you ever have to worry about. I dislike that I am part of that.
I think of you a lot, and it is generally counting my blessings. I just wanted you to know that I see the effort and the heart you are putting out there and I appreciate it. I see how kind and loving and compassionate and intuitive you are. I see the things that weigh on you and the ways you live with decency and kindness and empathy. I’ve leaned really heavily on you and I’m not sure what I would have done without you.
I’m thinking of how exhausting this past weekend must have been for you. You really had no time for rest or relaxation or time to yourself and that must have been difficult and tiring.
I can’t seem to capture it now and it doesn’t seem as good as it was in my head. I guess I just want to tell you that I love you and I’m sorry for my mess. Thank you for loving me the way you do. Thank you for getting me and sharing your life and your self with me. Thank you for being who you are. Thank you for bringing [your wife] into my life. Just Thank You.
Enough of my mushy drivel. I will regret this tomorrow and be embarrassed that I went on and on, but whatever. I’ll blame the fact that it’s late or that I had a drink. We won’t concentrate on the fact that it’s only 1220 and I had one drink for almost two hours. It was the bourbon that made me mushy. Yeah… the bourbon.
As long as I’m so “influenced” I can say whatever I want, and go on and on with impunity, I have to tell you that I love your very soul. I love you for being exactly who you are exactly as you are.
I had this talk with Traveler’s wife about some of what I’ve been going through and life and such. We just were able to talk. She kinda opened up and I’m thanking my lucky stars and I opened up with her too. I was so woo woo. I needed that. It just soothed me. I felt so open and so full of love. I felt like someone really got it and got me and told me I wasn’t crazy and I was safe. I really can’t do it justice. I just needed it so much and didn’t realize how much I needed it. It was a balm to me.