Taking Stock

ImageI was paid a few very nice compliments this past weekend, and I have to say they are making me feel a lot more secure.  Of course it’s also helped that I’ve been writing (off line) about my stuff and tracing it back and having a few good realizations.  Knowing where a lot of this recent insecurity is coming from is helping, as is making a plan to mitigate it.  And well.. it didn’t hurt that I had some dates with my honeys that were maybe some of the best dates I’ve ever had.

Cleveland and I met up with Traveler and his wife and peaches last week for a light dinner and some drinks.  We all laughed and joked and I think had a good time.  It was nice to enjoy the peace.  Afterwards we came back to my place and dozed in each others arms.  It was so warm and loving and wonderful.  And somewhere in there Cleveland told me that he likes this thing we’ve got and he thinks maybe it has legs, that maybe he can see a little bit of a future for it.  He wasn’t specifying or getting ahead, just saying that he was happy and that it seemed we have genuine compatibility, and we do.  It was just reassuring to hear that.  I like that in any small way he’s thinking about more than this moment and this present happiness.

ImageThen we met again Friday and had a really nice night on the town.  We hit Capitol Hill and ran into a sex shop for some naught plans and supplies before a truly lovely Italian dinner and maybe one of the most scrumptious cocktails I’ve had yet.  We walked and talked and oops!  We forgot our sex supplies at the restaurant!  We ran back and luckily found the bag untouched by our table which had not yet been reseated.  Whew!  We even ran into Traveler’s Wife and got some great hugs.  It was kind of a magical evening for me, just so fun and relaxed and lovely.  Over dinner he paid me a lovely compliment too, one I deeply appreciated.  He appreciated my decisiveness and my self confidence.  That’s a pretty amazing compliment to me.  He kinda came on the scene in the midst of everything with Hubby and I there at the very very end, and he’s been present for a little of my darkest moments, and still walked away with this.  It’s something I’ve worked long and hard on, believing in myself.  It’s taken years and a lot of introspection and change to become someone I am proud of.  It’s nice to be able to say to myself that if I wasn’t me I’d be my friend or date me.  I see the good qualities I’ve found and nurtured and it’s nice to have someone else see the fruits of that labor too, especially someone as honest and clear as Cleveland.  It was unsolicited and I was deeply touched.  I like where our relationship is and I like where it’s going and I’m excited by such an exciting and kind man who is so emotionally available.

Traveler and I planned a hike and an overnight day trip, but had to cancel because of his work.  Poor thing, he had an early meeting both Saturday and Sunday, so we planned to work on his yard and have a nice dinner and do the hike and overnight next weekend.  I got there and he was working on cleaning his kitchen and I talked to him while he worked.  He talked about some of the stresses in his life, of work and such, and I was honored to hear him vent.  He was problem solving out loud, and at one point sort of apologized for making me stand there listening to him as he worked things out.  I told him honestly that I was actually honored to return the favor.  I’ve leaned so heavily on him this year, and sadly he was there for the rock bottom moments with both my husband and with Great Date.  He was also there with me when my dog died, and has talked with me through many of my stresses and difficulties this past year.  It’s nice to be there for him.  It’s nice to be an ear so he could vent.  It was wonderful to return the favor.  He worked it out as he scrubbed and finished his dishes and cleaned his kitchen.  Afterwards he was tired and didn’t want to work on the yard, so I snuggled him and pet him to sleep as we watched a few episodes of Game of Thrones.

ImageIt was so lovely to snuggle and chill like that, and to be honest I’m so eager to see that show’s second season that it was hard to get up after our episodes.  He was so warm and so beautiful.  It took me maybe an hour to an hour and a half for my hunger to start making me want to motivate us.

We decided to celebrate with a nice dinner and getting a teeny bit gussied up.  I wore my new dress and he wore the sexy shirt he wore when I met him, a gray that makes his eyes so blue.  We hit a place with small plates and ordered my new favorite wine, a Pinot Noir from Oregon that was so delicious.  And the conversation was as good at the food and wine.  I told him the soul searching I’ve been doing, and the realization I had about my recent insecurities and my realizations about us.  I’m so happy.  I am happy with the time we spend and our affection and our sex.  I’m happy with his excellent communication and his kind way of loving me.  I’m just really happy.  I love our ease and our excitement.  I love him for being exactly who he is.  And he opened up too.  He told me things he loved about me, and his feelings about us and how he’s fallen in love with me.  He told me that he’d been thinking about how I’ve been apologizing lately for “leaning so heavily” on him this past year and how he’s actually been really impressed with me and not found me to be a burden at all.  He told me how he admired me and how our relationship is to him.  He told me that he’s loved knowing me and witnessing this last year with me.  He told me how strong he thought I was and how together I’ve actually been and said that I was not at all a burden.  I was filled and delighted by this.  I can’t tell you what it meant to have him say these things to me, to hear him talk about how he was in love with me and to praise these wonderful things about me, and to feel in my absolute depth that he meant every word.  My eyes literally teared a few times listening to him, unable to break my gaze with him, filled and touched and so grateful.

ImageCan you imagine my luck?  How on Earth did I find one such amazing creature as an exciting sweet thoughtful kind sexy loving man, but to have found TWO?!?!?  And they fill such different places in my heart.  They are so unique and I’m constantly amazed at the things I learn about them and about me as I love them.

And more than that too.  After we’d had our talk and toasted to many more happy years together, I thanked Traveler for bringing the women into my life that he has.  I thought too of Cleveland’s wife.  I can’t believe the unhoped for and surprising blessing of my metamours.  The things I’ve learned about myself and my relationships with these women, and the just absolute awe I feel sometimes is such a precious gift.  Traveler’s wife is a great example.  I had a couple of conversations with her that I kid you not, were life-changing.  This woman has this empathy that is just a wonder to behold.  You know those old wives tales about people born under the caul?  It was said that children born with this thin skin covering their face had these abilities for empathy and connection, and I have to tell you she is like THAT.  I opened up in a way I don’t always with people I haven’t known years and years.  I just.. trusted her.  She has a heart bigger than the Pacific and you can feel it.  I’ve only known one other person remotely like this.  People that are like this have a tough time I think. It’s hard to be a walking heart and to feel so much and to have this effect.  It takes years and an incredible toll on them as they learn and grow with this.  You can see this when you talk to her.  She is simply wise beyond her years, and I thanked Traveler for the gift of her in my life.  We talked about how we are both just so amazed, and his face lit up that I saw her wonder too.

ImageAnd finally, further celebration, it doesn’t hurt that I had maybe some of the best sex of my life this weekend.  Ironically with both of my loves were just so passionate and connected and fulfilling.  I felt so open and so safe and I basked in their desire and my own.  I think it’s getting better the more we know and trust and love each other.  I like where things are so very much.  I love these men for their dramatically different sexualities and the exploration and fun and fulfillment of loving and lusting them. I am left after this weekend of celebration and reflection feeling loved and safe and secure.  I’m taking stock of my many many blessings.

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