I got to the root of my possessive feeling and was able to let it go. Good. Then I had kind of a funny train of thought. I felt like I had to suddenly be shiny happy people about absolutely anything a partner wanted and that I shouldn’t have pesky needs of my own that impact them. I realized what I was thinking and actually laughed.
I think it’s bunk to say that because I am poly and I don’t own my partners and they don’t own me, and we don’t get to dictate to each other that we can’t want or ask for things. It might be in my head (and likely is) but sometimes I get the feeling like wanting something or needing something or asking for something is taboo if I am a GOOD poly. I feel sometimes like I should just be ever happy compersive un-needful things.
Of course being open and loving and “good, giving and game” are awesome, but where would I get the idea that it meant I was allowed no wants or needs or requests in my relationships? I told Traveler I wouldn’t like to share time with a fourth and that I would not be happy with less time than I currently have with him, and that had been perfectly okay. He hadn’t wanted that either. But either way.. even if he had felt different, I’m allowed to tell him what I want and need. I won’t always get it but I need to at least say what it is.
I don’t want less than one day a week. I’m sorry, but to me that feels like the minimum. Less than that feels like it’s not a relationship but a booty call. Ideally it’s a little more here and there. It doesn’t all have to be date/dates. It feels as good if those extras are time with them in social settings and polycule things and whatnot too. To be a relationship though, I need time. I have been getting it and it’s okay to say I would like to keep doing so.
The same goes for Cleveland and asking for things, of course. I realized that I have been trying not to ask too much of him. I have been trying not to ask for dates, especially on the weekend. I’m trying to be sensitive to his wife, but I think I may be taking that too far. She’s really supportive, for one, and I just have to kinda come to terms with the fact that the time I am asking for potentially takes time away from wives. It’s a fact. These men and women have agreements and understandings in their marriages, whatever they are, but they are signing on to be poly, and this does mean that their partners will have relationships and those relationships matter and deserve time too. If they wanted to have convenient booty calls then they probably wouldn’t have been poly. They’d just have convenient booty calls.
Both of these women are totally on board and supportive of their husbands. And more to the point.. I need to trust my partners to know and honor their agreements and tell me if I can help them do so. I can’t keep trying to guess and cater to the imagined feelings of other people. For all I know Cleveland’s wife WISHES she had more weekend days with the house to herself to do as she wishes.
I want to try to schedule around what works best for everyone involved when I can, of course. I want to be sensitive to the people that are important in the lives of the men I love. But I also need to keep being being clear about what I want and need, and generally I am. I need to remember that this is okay. I have to watch my desire to be so accommodating that I trade in my own happiness.
I matter too. The people I’m dating treat me as though I matter. I respect the role of my sweetie’s wives but I can’t assume and create a situation where I will forever and always be second no matter how long we are together or where my needs don’t matter. NOBODY is asking that of me and it’s not necessary, helpful, or a good idea. It’s okay to say I don’t want less time than I am getting or that I’d like a more regular shot at weekend days eventually. I won’t get everything I ask for or everything that I want in life any more than I do in bed, but the same rules apply. If I tell my partners what I want.. uh.. they just might DO IT!!!
Shrinking wall flower just doesn’t look good on me.