I’m having a resurgence of friendly love. A while ago I realized that most of my life I’d created my safety and my need for family out of the friends I was lucky enough to build into my family. There is the family you are born with and the one you create. I loved my father and he was a good man, but he was a pretty shitty Dad, and he was the only parent I really had. All of my grandparents died very young too. I had my brother and my brother had me. I had the families of my friends that took me in figuratively, and then later, literally. I ended high-school homeless except that my best friend’s family took me in. My childhood holiday memories are mostly of my friend’s families. My dad was generally off with the girlfriend du jour, who by and large didn’t require my presence.
I was recently mourning my old love, the hubby I’ve lost and a friend pointed out that sometimes that old love isn’t a romantic love. Eureka! HOW TRUE! I’ve loved my old dear friend in Federal Way since I was about 22. I’ve loved my long time best friend in Cleveland since I was 14 and his wife since I was 20 or so. I’ve loved Ph.D for 13 years and the woman I will go to Spain with for maybe 12. I am blessed and running over with the amazing gift of old love. I’m an excellent and loyal friend, and I’ve been blessed with the love and support of amazing people. Even in this divorce and the loss of my dog and my move and well.. pretty much my entire life being sort of tossed out like an upended purse…. I’ve had amazing supportive friends. Traveler’s wife has fed me and listened to me and advised me. She’s talked a little to me of her life too and let me listen. Peaches and I bonded in our common experience. A beautiful young woman and I never see enough of each other but somehow tend to get a little deep when we do. She shared her Eureka with me today. Fishnet, the girlfriend of a guy I met on OKC (TexDom) and I have been bonding quite a good bit too. I met a really cool couple very close to home. I’m having a resurgence of friendship and I’m remembering how much I still have and how much I’ve gained, even having lost the person I had made the backbone of my safety and my family.
My lovers are here for me and have been TREMENDOUS support, and I’m supporting them too, but they aren’t the only loves of my life. My oldest and dearest friend, that best friend in Cleveland knows every single thing about me. There is NOTHING I have not told him and I think precious little if anything he hasn’t told me. I love every hair on his head and every cell in his body and everything about him…flawed and wonderful, and he loves me like that too. He knows every weakness and every fault and has seen or heard of every bad decision. He knows my selfish sad-sack controlling lonely bitter hard stupid parts and still with totally sincerity says I’m one of the finest humans he’s ever met and he loves me.
I might always be learning how to be a girlfriend or a partner, and I’m learning more about being a friend all the time too and I hope I never stop, but I am a good friend. It’s a thing I really like about myself. I worked at it and I’m still working to improve because it’s important to me. I worried with the impending long weekend and Traveler out of town that I would be too much time alone. But I’m remembering how this works. I reach out to the wonderful loves my friends are I and hope they reach out to me too. It’s how I feel safe and loved. I need that and it’s okay that I need that and I’m remembering how to get it and give it. I’m getting some balance. Ahhh.. a friend-a-sance.