Open

ImageI’ve been in open relationships a while now, and I’ve been a blogger a while now, but it’s only fairly recent that I’ve been so open.  I was a closeted blogger for a long time.  I was mortified at the idea of people I’d meet reading my blog and knowing this part of me.  I’ve been open about who I am for some time, but for some reason, for a while, I was mortified at the idea that this blog would speak for me.

Over time and over necessity that’s changed.  Because an ex kept telling people about his blog and leading them to mine because they weren’t terribly slow mentally and could put 2 and 2 together, people began to know who wrote this blog.  I went through various levels of being out.  I came out to my friends about polyamory.  I told my family that I thought would be cool.  Then I told family that I thought wouldn’t.  I let a few things appear on my Facebook.  I deleted contacts from Facebook that could hurt my husband with my openness and was more open there too.  Another ex outed me at work as both kinky and poly and I came to terms with that.  It strangely didn’t spread, and over time didn’t matter.  I just kept working and after a while I became again more about my work and less about my “deviant” sex life.  It’s just not an issue.  I came out fully on Facebook.  I came out about my blog to some people.  I told friends who were interested.

Some others started finding my blog.  I worried about hurting my metamours with talk of sex or love with their partners.  I worried about meeting people at meetups or wherever who first met me as that blogger with all the angsy blogs and the frank talk of fantasies or kink.  I faced the choice to delete everything, write differently, start over, or just get over it.  I chose mostly to just get over it and to take some measure to protect the innocent.

My metamours are adults and by and large do not seem very affected by talk of sex or love and I try to warn them on certain posts so they can make their own choices.  If someone wouldn’t be my friend or wouldn’t date me because I crop or blindfold my boyfriends, or I love needles or being flogged or being a sub, or I like fisting… well then we aren’t a match anyway, right?  And why was I so embarrassed of any of that anyway?  It’s taking a while, but I’m getting more and more okay with living openly in a million little ways.  It’s obviously not necessary that everyone knows everything, but I’m closer and closer to being okay with that if it happened.

I’m not ashamed of who I am or what I’m doing and I love the authenticity of living openly.  I don’t shout my sexual proclivities from the rooftops, but I also don’t have to lie about what matters to me. I can admit that I care about those I care about.  It’s one thing to not tell people I’m FUCKING this or that person but another to hide my relationships with people.  I can hold my love’s hands when we are out and about and kiss them anywhere.  I’m not afraid someone will see.  I’m not afraid I’ll run into anyone at the sex club or the kink club (I mean, they are there too, right?).  But I kinda always did those things.  More importantly I’m freer this way.

I met this cool couple last week, and I briefly mentioned them in the blog recently.  Last night we were having fun texting, the woman and I, and it came up that she used to read my blog and she started reading it again as we talked.  She downloaded my latest podcast, and you know.. that was fun.  I had a brief hesitancy, that my new friend’s view of me may be colored by all of this, but I quickly relaxed.  It helps that she appears to be a sexual deviant too, but even if she weren’t… I am who I am.  If me being authentically me drove her away then I don’t need her in my life.  If reading about these few aspects of my life so altered her view of me, then maybe I don’t want to be friends with HER.  You know?  It didn’t and it was all good.. but I thought about what a switch that is from even recent past.

ImageIt’s just been interesting to me, this opening up.  Opening up my bed, and then my heart, and then my mind to new experiences and new ways of living and having fun and expressing love and connecting, and then new ways of communicating and of disclosing and of accepting others.  There’ve been all these little openings.  It was nice to have only this moment’s hesitation of my new friend reading my blog and then realize it didn’t really matter.  It’s still true that my blog is only a representation of these specific areas of life.. love-sex-and relationships, but it’s authentically a part of me and I’m okay with sharing it.

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