I Asked Him

Things have been going tremendously with Cleveland but I’ve had a small concern lately, and I asked him about it.

ImageI felt lately like he was a little hard to schedule with and he’s been busy every weekend except the weekend we went to Portland.  I still saw him, so it wasn’t really an issue, but it was a noticeable departure that weekend dates seemed pretty much off the table.  And the overnights died too.  I didn’t think much of it the first few weeks it happened.  People get busy and work was insane for him.  It started to seem that overnights were just off the table.  Then the communication between dates lessened. Again, not a BIG deal because he’s been busy at work and busy with side projects and I know he tries to have time with his wife, as he should.

Hell.. I told him that all the time when we got together to kiss her extra and sex her up and tell her how amazing she is and how much he loves her.  I told him to get quality time with her. You gotta be sure you shower your existing connections with time, love and attention as you add new ones.  When Hubby added his girl that was it for me.  The days he wasn’t with her he was mooning for her, moodily snapping at me from the computer.  He talked to her hours a day when they weren’t together.  They talked first thing in the morning till last thing at night.  I never stood a chance because I never got his time.  How could we get romantic or snuggle or connect?  He hated telling her when we had dates because she would support his time with me and not talk to him.  He eventually just didn’t make any dates with me.  They went away a few times and he was never able to go to Portland with me.  We booked a hotel 3 times and cancelled each one because it was a bad time for him.  I stopped booking the hotel, and planned-weekend after planned-weekend lapsed. We never went to Portland.

I could never be part of that with another woman.  I could never be happy knowing a man I was falling for was mistreating his existing loves.  She’s been there with him through thick and thin for 18 years!  That shit is precious and needs to be honored and cherished and cared for.  

ImageAnd the thing is.. I’m happy to step back or do things to make the transition more comfortable.  I’m happy to not eat Italian food if that’s their special thing or never call them on Thursdays because that’s super fun Cleveland and Wife time or whatever.  I’m fine with no overnights for a certain period to let someone work through feelings they have about them or get used to sharing.  I’m HAPPY to do any of that, if I am communicated with, and if I have any idea what would help or if any help is needed.  And I’m happy if it is a temporary thing to help ease the change.  I don’t EVER want to fuck up another woman’s shit.  Ever.  I just won’t do it.  I love him.  I really do.  But I could never leave her standing in the pulverized remains of her life knowing that I did that.  They make sink or swim for a variety of reasons and I can’t predict it, but I WILL NOT BE WHY.

Then, there is the fact that I matter too.  I would never be happy in a relationship where I would forever and always be excluded.  I would never be happy with never having overnights.  I couldn’t do never having weekend days or nights or the things you have when you are normally in a relationship with someone.  It would be different if our relationship was a more casual thing or if we were play partners or whatever.. but we aren’t.

This was a change and I didn’t know why.  I went to their house to have dinner with them and it was tense and we didn’t all go.  I didn’t want to ask Cleveland to talk to me about his wife or to break her confidences, but it affects me, so I had to ask him what was going on.  Was he pulling back?  Was she struggling?  Was I doing things that were hurtful or upsetting?  Were there things that I could do to help?  I know what it’s like to open up and struggle sometimes.

So I asked him.  I told him what I’d noticed about dates and communication and overnights and weekends and asked if everything was okay and asked him to talk to me about what was up. He talked to me.  He was able to tell me in a general way some of what he and his wife have been going through and how they have been working to fix it and why he’s withdrawn. We talked about keeping me in the loop on stuff that effects me.  I felt good about it.  I told him I’d be happy to support what he and his wife need, but that I need to be informed. I offered my support and also asked for what I need.  Ahh.. I like clear and honest communication.   So much better than the Drama Llama.

Image

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s