Showing my Ass

I’m gonna show my ass again.  Lest anyone ever thinks I’m so together (hah) I figured I’d admit to a little passing idiocy.  Today we moved Peaches.  All was totally cool.  It was a pretty easy move and she had Traveler and me and her friends, this couple.  She didn’t have a bunch of heavy furniture and her place was ready to go.  We laughed and had a generally good time the entire time we moved her out of her old place and into the new.  I was glad I could be there to help.  I know how much it sucks to move, having just done it in July, and I was glad to be part of things coming together for her.  Her new place is awesome too, which helps.

So.. what’s this about ass?

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Well.. everything was totally cool, and then I had this passing thing.  I went back to her new place with Traveler to put together her bed and we were working well and all business, which was great.  Things were coming together smoothly.  We got the bed together and were putting the mirror on the dresser and we were deciding where Peaches might want the dresser and he said at the foot of the bed, because that’s how she had it at the old place.  I was like “you’re the expert.. I haven’t spent much time in her bedroom”.  Heh. heh.  And then I had this sinking gut feeling.  I had a brief flash, imagining him behind her, fucking her with their heads both facing the mirror, hot and sweaty and just so into it and watching themselves and each other in that mirror at the foot of her bed.  I thought… I have nothing to offer him that he can’t get a million other places.  It was just this dark little thought, and totally stupid.

I don’t need to fear that he doesn’t like me sexually or something.  He says we have amazing sex and I know we do.  Even if we didn’t though, more than most guys he is just not wired to be all about the sex.  If we never had sex I kinda think he might feel similarly about me as he does now.  Hell, sometimes I am afraid that I want sex too much and think maybe it’d be better if I didn’t want it so much.  But more importantly..him having hot sex with Peaches or his wife or some other chick says NOTHING about how he feels about me sexually, much less how he feels about me.  And I asked myself “don’t I want that for him?”  I don’t want him to have mediocre sex or be unhappy or whatever.  I like him loved and cherished and enjoyed for the marvel he is.  I couldn’t help it though.  I was suddenly aware I was assembling the room where he would share all those evenings with Peaches.  I thought about how close her apartment is now to him now and it kinda made my stomach ache for just a minute.  It was minor and I was able to pretty cheerfully finish my stuff, but I felt anxious and hot and bad.

I thought about it a bit as we finished, working well together.  What was I afraid of?  What was this?

I had a brief and passing fear that I lift out and that I would lose him.  I had the utterly false thought that with her so close by it would be so easy and he’d never need me again or want me.  When I realized that it evaporated like smoke.  That’s stupid.  He doesn’t love me because I live close.  He doesn’t want me because Peaches was so far away.  He loves me and wants me as I love and want him because of who we are.  People are not interchangable things and when one is a few blocks closer or walking distance you suddenly don’t need people who are a further distance away.  If he can walk to her house in 2 minutes and have crazy monkey sex in that mirror it in no way erases who I am or what I am.  My worth is not my quick driving time.  The utter idiocy of the thing was kinda nice.  So there.. I showed my ass.  So I’m not such a perfect person.  I have little insecurities and passing stupid thoughts.

I realized what I really wanted was a hug and I asked for one.  He said I could have one and a kiss too and in the kitchen we hugged and kissed for just a minute and it was just what I needed.

2 Comments

  1. You are human before you are anything else. So the fact that you find yourself getting butt-hurt and kinda jealous, remember those are human feelings coming from a human being in love and just happened to be in a poly relationship. No, you can’t control it. We can control our behaviors, but not our feelings.

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    • I agree. I find it easiest when I can admit (at least to me) that I’m an imperfect human with all kinds of feelings. When I can just acknowledge them, figure out what in me or the situation is causing them, and then kinda unspool them and/or ask for what I need, they are no big deal. Like this one… I just had a little fear based on an untrue premise and I needed a hug to feel close and reassured. Doing that made this a silly fear that was quickly relieved and left me happily hugged and kissed.
      I don’t know about other poly/open people, but I feel this pressure in me sometimes not to feel certain things and I think that makes it worse. You stuff these little things over and over and it builds up and comes out sideways. I like to try to be cool with it instead.. And just process it or figure out and try to meet the need under it, you know? Like… Deal with it.

      I have a poly friend who is very jealous and it’s always coming out in these sideways ways and creating drama and resentment and strife because she just can’t own her feelings. She will do anything to not own her own feelings or own responsibility. That’s a really hard way to live and it sucks to be their partner. I like this better, when it’s a passing boogeyman that is quickly addressed and relieved.

      I agree it’s ok to be human and to be a human in love. I’m going to add that to how I address these rare little things. I like it better than telling myself I’m just being silly or stupid. I’m not silly or stupid. I’m a person in love and I’m vulnerable. The rest of the process is the same. Thanks for that!

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