Old Flames and Loves

I got up on this fine Sunday morning to come to my workplace to sign divorce papers with my ex and wasn’t ready to go home afterwards.  It had gone as smoothly as it could.  He brought my little dog and I got puppy kisses and snuggled the little thing.  I wasn’t overly rocked by signing the divorce papers but I was a little teary-eyed afterward.  I don’t want him back and I’m not as sad that he’s gone, but I don’t really want to be divorced and it is the end of so much.  I sat here for a while and watched the light on the building and just kinda took it in.

ImageAfter a bit I chatted with my old and wonderful friend Ph.D.  There are some people that just get in your heart and stay there, and he’s definitely one for me.  We talked briefly but it was as it always is and I was left smiling.  I still wasn’t ready to go home yet and ending up talking to the man I had my first “poly” relationship with.  I’m going to call him Popsicle.  We didn’t call ourselves poly back then.  Nobody called themselves poly back then because it was a word until 1996 and this would have been about 1992.

Popsicle and I were good friends back in the day and one night he and my roommate dropped me off at work, and after I’d exited the car he’d turned to my roomy and said “that ass!  God.. I just want to grab it while I eat her for an hour!!”.  I flushed when my roommate called me at work to tell me what he’d said.  I told her “Tell him to pick me up from work.  I’m off at 8”.  Heh.  He did.  🙂 He and I were together on and off and never-defined from when I was 18 or 19 until I was 26 or so.  I was married in there for a few years to my first husband, and I’d found how much I hated cheating when Popsicle and I had an affair.

We had a very passionate relationship and were very good friends but somehow neither of us tried to make it monogamous or define it for a long time.  I continued to see people I’d been seeing casually and he did the same.  We had this kind of mutually supportive and loving and sexual thing.  We talked to each other about our other conquests and relationships and there was little jealousy or drama or angst.  We just were what we were.  I Imagemoved to Phoenix for job prospects and he became a truck driver and we’d see each other from time to time as he drove through, catching up on what was happening in our lives and having this week here or that weekend there and talking regularly on the phone.  I loved Popsicle and he loved me.  I was emphatically anti-relationships at the time and afraid of love, but he was somehow the exception to the rule.

Eventually we both married and divorced other people and we had that one affair with each other.  We’d remained in touch all of those years.  When my soon-to-be ex husband and I married he’d taken great exception to Popsicle, having difficulty understanding that a relationship that never called itself a relationship didn’t really have an end.  My assurances that Popsicle and my days of cheating on people together had passed did little to ease Hubby.  I understand his trepidation.  I really do.  I’d wanted this thing with my husband to work though and I’d eventually let Popsicle go.  I missed  him and looked him up from time to time, as he did me too.  We’d talk here and there as friends and it seemed our sexual relationship had finally burned out.  It had been mad chemistry back in the day… grappling, wrestling, biting, clawing, falling down the stairs fucking chemistry, but we were in different places now, making things work with people that we loved and with whom we’d vowed monogamy.  And so it’s sat for a while.

Today he popped up in Facebook and we got to chatting.  It got pretty heated, remembering old days and catching up about new ones.  We’ve both wound up in non-monogamous places and he was intrigued by my poly.  He’s been just sport fucking for a while, tired of serial relationships that always end badly, and wishing for more connection or an open kind of thing like the old days.  I of course am poly and open.  He’s heard of poly and is interested to talk to like-minded people but felt that just wasn’t possible in Cleveland.  Well.. it is.

Cleveland, so cleverly named (heh) is from Cleveland and he and his wife were part of poly and swinger and kinky groups there.  I asked for and got info and passed it along. It’s been a long and messy road here, but we both ended up 20 years later sympatico again.  I’m not planning any trips to Cleveland, and for a variety of reasons I’m not sure even if I did if Popsicle and I would amount to much, but I won’t lie and say I’m not curious.  I don’t know how chemistry ages and a lot more has grown and changed than our sex lives, but I’ve always loved and will likely always love Popsicle and our sexual chemistry and connection was astounding.

couple in tubHe was the first man I shaved.  I remember like yesterday him sitting on the edge of my big old tub, smoking and talking to me about everything and nothing as I sat cross-legged before him, slowly and carefully shaving his balls.  I’d never done it before and he was trusting me, so relaxed.  We paused here and here in our conversation to kiss or let me take a puff of his cigarette, and we admired my handiwork.  I realized how much I loved the domesticity of taking care of my partner, grooming them.  It was a new intimacy to me and I’ve loved it ever since.  I remember too how sensitive his balls were to my licking and my breath when I finished.  I’ve shaved every partner who’s let me since then.

I’m a happy woman who gets way more than my share of amazing sex, and I get it with the love and trust and support and commitment and touch and respect and joy that my partners bring to my life. I felt a little blue and down and alone.  It was nice to spend a little time feeling  and then to talking to a good friend and then to an old friend/lover, and finally a little with Cleveland.  I have to admit it’s kinda nice to be able to have a conversation like that with my old lover and not have the guilt after. I have that freedom and give that freedom and it’s pretty cool stuff.

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