Lesson Learned

Does it ever feel that EVERYTHING is trying to tell you the same thing? The universe appears to want me to really really get right with my sexuality. I am getting the message loud and clear that it’s time to stop being embarrassed or ashamed, or anything but utterly-okay with exactly who and exactly what I am. My face has just been GROUND INTO THIS repeatedly and with great force this year. It’s happening over and over and over again that my sexuality has been derided and questioned and shamed. It’s been the reason for insanely huge loss this year and repeated attacks.

And you know what? It worked. I don’t give a flying fuck now. I’m a god damned kinky poly bisexual slut and FUCK anyone and everyone who has a problem with it! Yes it cost me dearly and yes I am named in a summons and yes people have been and are talking about me. Fine. Carry on. I am done taking that shit on. That’s their shit. It ain’t my shit. I am rising above and taking every one of those little shame buttons out and pulverizing them. They can’t get me this way anymore. I know that I was honest and clear and kind and I never did anything that I didn’t have utter and clear consent to do and I always acted with respect. I just needed to declare that and this was the only mountain top I have handy. Whew. Thank you.

I posted the following to a secret Facebook group I belong to and then decided to post it here too.  And yes.. I’m aware that the few people from this group that read this blog will unequivocally know who I am now.  Fuck it.  Bring it on.  It’s not much of a secret anyway.  And that’d be just another in a long line of outings… I. Don’t. Care.  I’m pretty sure this summons or whatever will go nowhere and that my friend and I having an alleged relationship won’t be admissible anyway, but if it is… I. Don’t. Care. 

I think it’s true.  I think the universe really is trying to make me okay with my sexuality once and for all and that’s it.  I’m there.  Take a full page ad if you feel like it.  Write me hate mail.  Comment here or anywhere else you like with judgements of any kind you like about my sexuality.  I am DONE feeling ashamed of or defending or worrying about what YOU think about my sex.  I have been in collision with this for forever, worrying about what partners would think of the number of my partners, worrying what it looked like or what people thought or defending my position or explaining it.  It matters what I and my partners think about my sex.  I don’t care if you think it’s too much or the wrong kind or whatever.  I don’t care if I seem slutty or if you judge it.  I don’t care.  I honestly don’t care.  There.  Finally. There’s freedom in that.  I am seeing in my deepest recesses what has been true all along.  I am whole and perfect in my sex and I don’t need to take on anyone else’s view of that.  I have to stop worrying about pleasing the opinions of others.  Full Stop.

14 Comments

  1. I don’t think that being who you are and allowing yourself to be happy should require a defense. I think in life people have many opinions of who people are and who they think they should be and that is on them. It is on us not to validate them by investing in their words or belief systems.

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  2. I give you big props for finally taking a stand about this. I know that I got to this point in my life and pretty much said that if anyone didn’t like the fact that I was in a poly relationship and I was bisexual, they could all kiss my ass because no matter what anyone has to say about it, it’s still my life and my decision to live it as I see fit.

    I did find that the people giving me the most shit about how I live were the people who were really jealous that I could do something that they didn’t have the courage or conviction to do – their problem, not mine.

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  3. Well I am not sure what the summons is about, you are a free thinking adult and can do what you damn well pleased sexually. Like the others have said, let them eat shit… and continue on with your life. You always seem like such a happy girl to me. Others are just plain jealous!!

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    • The legal stuff I was referring to was that an alleged ex of mine had the father of her child cite my alleged relationship with her, and its sexual and romantic nature as a reason he had to abandon his child, not supporting, seeing, calling, or even acknowledging his daughter on the street. He said the relationship was hostile towards him, and somehow felt this was a good reason to cite for why he was a deadbeat. He further stated my relationship with the mom as proof the mother was unfit. Obviously even a 12-year old would even know this is a ridiculous legal arguement and I will likely never even have to testify, but it made me a little nuts that it was a new way to attack my sexuality. A court document.. really? It just came after a long line of attacks (husband dumping because I’m a whore) (roommates and I having a talk) (ex boyfriend had jealousy issues with me seeing any new people).. and it was just the straw. You know?

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