The Scab Isn't That Thick

I was talking to Peaches about slowly investing in and enjoying a new relationship, because she had a great date and is cautious.. intelligently.  I just had one of the nicest dates ever with Cleveland last night.  It was maybe the hottest sex we’ve had, but that wasn’t really the thing.  I just felt sweet.  I felt the connection there.  We were talking and laughing and I was petting his belly and we just kinda… connected.  I wrapped myself around him like a cat.  I fell for him a little while ago and I find myself tentatively starting to trust him.  It’s not a thing I’m good at.  It takes me a long long long time to really invest.  Even Great Date, who I dated for 9 months.. I loved him and wanted him, but I had only started to trust him around the time things fell apart and he actively tried to hurt me.  I trusted Hubby to my very core, but it took years to get there and in the end… I was wrong.  I’ve been taking those tentative steps with Traveler for a little while now, but it’s really just begun.  It’s okay.  Slowly investing is a good thing.

I think the men I am involved with are good men, but then I would always think that or I wouldn’t be with them.  And they may be good men who just aren’t right with me too.  That’s of course a possibility.  I’m dealing with my stuff and taking it slow.

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I find myself stumbling across landmines, not often, but every now and then.  There are these little thoughts and I kinda rub against them.  “I’m starting to really trust Traveler.  Is that a good idea?  Should I be investing here or am I seeing what I want to see?”.  “I love him and I’m falling in love with him.. and I think maybe he is too.. but is that real?”.  Most of the time I can kinda process and reason, but every now and then it sets off a landmine of stuff.. from old things and from Hubby.  It’s okay.  I spend a little time thinking about things, or writing, and maybe talk it out with a friend.  It’s to be expected, right?  I mean, my marriage just unraveled.  That does shake things up a bit.  I’m just accepting that I need to do this work and deal with this stuff.  I hate what a girl it makes me feel like though.  

This latest little one is a small snowball.  Traveler’s Wife was talking to me about how someone wasn’t in love with someone and I had this tiny passing thought that I quickly dismissed.  “Was she trying to tell me something about Traveler?  Telling me that I’m out there alone?”.  Then I thought “Wow.  Way to make it about you” and laughed it off.  People have all kinds of goofy thoughts all the time.  A day or so later in a totally unrelated train of thought I wondered “When exactly did Hubby stop loving me?  Wait.  Did he actually love me?  What if I invented the whole thing?”  That one was more thorny.  It comes up from time to time. 

And then last Saturday with Traveler and last night with Cleveland.  “Did I imagine it?  Was it there?  Did they feel what I did or did I just hope they did?  They have great loves.  Maybe to them it’s just fun…”

It presented this little nugget of insecurity and self doubt and fear of vulnerability that I get to process and deal with.  It’s a good thing for growth but it’s sometimes unlovely.  I cried for an hour today, bringing up all the little things I’ve been gathering to fear and feel bad about.  I walked and read.  I talked to a friend.  I cried because I needed to cry and I cried for about an hour.  That’s a long long long time for me but sometimes I guess you just need that.  I am apparently after-all a big old girl.  I feel better.  I think I’ll ask for some snuggles tonight.  We’ll have a nice dinner and play a game or snuggle to a movie and I’ll love him and let him love me.  Sometimes old fears and old securities come up and I’m learning that it’s less helpful to beat myself up for a moment of weakness than to just deal with it and accept that we all have weak moments.  Maybe it’s more about what we do with them.     

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