I was talking to Peaches about slowly investing in and enjoying a new relationship, because she had a great date and is cautious.. intelligently. I just had one of the nicest dates ever with Cleveland last night. It was maybe the hottest sex we’ve had, but that wasn’t really the thing. I just felt sweet. I felt the connection there. We were talking and laughing and I was petting his belly and we just kinda… connected. I wrapped myself around him like a cat. I fell for him a little while ago and I find myself tentatively starting to trust him. It’s not a thing I’m good at. It takes me a long long long time to really invest. Even Great Date, who I dated for 9 months.. I loved him and wanted him, but I had only started to trust him around the time things fell apart and he actively tried to hurt me. I trusted Hubby to my very core, but it took years to get there and in the end… I was wrong. I’ve been taking those tentative steps with Traveler for a little while now, but it’s really just begun. It’s okay. Slowly investing is a good thing.
I think the men I am involved with are good men, but then I would always think that or I wouldn’t be with them. And they may be good men who just aren’t right with me too. That’s of course a possibility. I’m dealing with my stuff and taking it slow.
I find myself stumbling across landmines, not often, but every now and then. There are these little thoughts and I kinda rub against them. “I’m starting to really trust Traveler. Is that a good idea? Should I be investing here or am I seeing what I want to see?”. “I love him and I’m falling in love with him.. and I think maybe he is too.. but is that real?”. Most of the time I can kinda process and reason, but every now and then it sets off a landmine of stuff.. from old things and from Hubby. It’s okay. I spend a little time thinking about things, or writing, and maybe talk it out with a friend. It’s to be expected, right? I mean, my marriage just unraveled. That does shake things up a bit. I’m just accepting that I need to do this work and deal with this stuff. I hate what a girl it makes me feel like though.
This latest little one is a small snowball. Traveler’s Wife was talking to me about how someone wasn’t in love with someone and I had this tiny passing thought that I quickly dismissed. “Was she trying to tell me something about Traveler? Telling me that I’m out there alone?”. Then I thought “Wow. Way to make it about you” and laughed it off. People have all kinds of goofy thoughts all the time. A day or so later in a totally unrelated train of thought I wondered “When exactly did Hubby stop loving me? Wait. Did he actually love me? What if I invented the whole thing?” That one was more thorny. It comes up from time to time.
And then last Saturday with Traveler and last night with Cleveland. “Did I imagine it? Was it there? Did they feel what I did or did I just hope they did? They have great loves. Maybe to them it’s just fun…”
It presented this little nugget of insecurity and self doubt and fear of vulnerability that I get to process and deal with. It’s a good thing for growth but it’s sometimes unlovely. I cried for an hour today, bringing up all the little things I’ve been gathering to fear and feel bad about. I walked and read. I talked to a friend. I cried because I needed to cry and I cried for about an hour. That’s a long long long time for me but sometimes I guess you just need that. I am apparently after-all a big old girl. I feel better. I think I’ll ask for some snuggles tonight. We’ll have a nice dinner and play a game or snuggle to a movie and I’ll love him and let him love me. Sometimes old fears and old securities come up and I’m learning that it’s less helpful to beat myself up for a moment of weakness than to just deal with it and accept that we all have weak moments. Maybe it’s more about what we do with them.