Confused? Yeah. I get that.

I was talking to Peaches about casual sex relationships, and she said she doesn’t like “feeling like the temp that never gets hired”.  Isn’t that a great metaphor?  It’s fun to have casual fun but a real bummer when all you meet is casual when you crave a little more.  I had to get her permission to use the quote.  It’s a good one, no?

Bosch1

Bosch- Garden of Earthly Delights

To be fair, neither one of us is remotely in that situation for real, but it does suck to feel that way and I know what she means.  We’re both in loving relationships with Traveler (and me with Cleveland) and she’s had her share of interest and just a couple of males who didn’t have the right interest for what she was seeking at the time.

I tried to explain how I want a very specific kind of casual when I want casual.  I can kinda understand why I might confuse potential partners.  See.. I don’t like ultra casual “just any old vagina will do” encounters.  I won’t say never, but I will say my interest in that is super low.  I’ve had my share of strictly sexual relationships and I do love passionate physical sex, but I find that my best sex tends to be with people I at least really LIKE.  My very best sex tends to be with those I trust. It’s hotter.

It’s hotter when we can say anything and when I can let go of my reserve and when they can too.  When all those little conventions aren’t necessary and when we aren’t second guessing or painting a picture, when we are our connection and our need and our most authentic selves, when we hold nothing back and are completely safe being exactly who and what we are and exactly in that moment, when we are free to play or to channel, fully authentic, fully real, with no artifice, when it’s impossible for me to be too much, then it’s a whole other thing entirely.  I’ve had some Earth-shattering orgasms from some really hot situations, but even those non-orgasmic moments shake my very soul.

That is of course some rarefied air. bosch4

But yes, I like a little something with my casual sex.  It doesn’t have to be the perfection of the above, but it has to be something to grab my interest.  I have to like them.  I have to feel liked.  I have to feel like I’m not an anonymous hole that is utterly interchangeable.  (Wait.. I have a fantasy about that.  Hmm.  Maybe best left a fantasy.)  I have to like some of their interests and they mine.  I don’t need or want all of my connections to be big “L” Loves, and I’m really not seeking more partners, but I also don’t like messing too much with people where it is utterly impossible.  I don’t like being a fuck-toy for some guy in town this week.  I don’t like him or her telling me that no matter what, any feeling that occurs will be quashed.  I’m totally cool if what occurs naturally is just friendly or whatever, or being told that that’s the ideal, but I don’t like “you will NEVER be ANYTHING”.

I don’t like people who crop up like once a month to sniff around seeing if I’ll come suck their cock because whatever they normally like doing is busy.  I hate it when they take forever to respond.  Nobody is that busy.  I don’t like people who assume that because I’m poly or that my metamours are poly that we are all some smorgasbord of pussy they can select from and sample all the flavors of.  I don’t like feeling like a number.  I don’t want to “hit it and quit it” right now if I can help it.  If it’s good for us, then I want more.  I like things being what they are.  I love variety and new and lust, but I don’t want or need an endless sea of anonymous strange.

bosch3I guess I’m more complicated that I thought.

I like the kind of casual that I’m seeming to find with Amelia or with Boss, or with swinging or threesomes with my partners.  Amelia is sexy and fun and interesting and cool.  I like seeing her even when there is nothing very sexy.  I like kissing her and touching her and I really really want her taste.  I like her baudy laugh and the way she has of making everyone feel comfortable.  I want to watch his face with her again.  I like her gasp of surprise.

I’m so damn eager to explore with Boss.  I love the chemistry and the chats and I think he’s so damn likeable as a human, and I want to do naughty naughty things with him.  He’s become a friend, and that makes me want to fuck him more.

And I want to continue to go deeper and deeper and deeper with Traveler and with Cleveland.  I want all of our naughty adventures too, and I want the fulfilling love and sex we share.  I want to touch them where nobody touches them, in that little space inside that is mine.  I want to never break eye contact as that beautiful angelic expression washes onto his face and I want to arch with him when his face registers that loss of control, that delicious pained pleasure.  I want the words to tumble out of my breath.. “oh god.. I love you.. fuck.. god yes.. please.. yes.. i love you.. yes” and my every sinew straining for more of him…more because I just can’t get close enough.  And that empathy.  That touch.  That connection.

Sometimes when I talk about this stuff.. how happy I am and the things I want, I have this moment where I am like.. wow.. is that super greedy?  I am honestly the luckiest woman alive to already have two beautiful and loving relationships with kind, sexy, thoughtful, generous, sweet, passionate men.  Why do I want to have more?  Why entertain casual at all?  Bosch5

Well.  Because I do want it and I’m actually at a place in life where it’s perfectly okay to admit I want the things I want.  I’m not saying that any of what I have is lacking to admit that I want other things too.  I am absolutely allowed (hell encouraged!) to enjoy the amazing partners I have in my life and to still seek and enjoy a beautiful woman and to want kinky fun and companionship or sexy adventures with and without my partners.  For the first time in a really really really long time I’m not an asshole for wanting.  I’m not hurting anyone or causing angst.  I’m so very grateful and I’m open too.  It’s amazing and really hard to explain.

It’s not just sex though, this want and this building and this exploring.  It’s a love/sex/relationship blog, so that’s mostly what I talk about here, but it’s everywhere.  I’m joining Roller Derby and learning to weld.  I sent in my Roller Derby application and Cleveland and I are welding together.  I’m taking Traveler to shoot a gun.  I’m adding and building my friendships.  I’m spending quality time alone.  I’m writing my novel again and I finished a painting finally.  I applied for school.  I’m starting to run and I’m working on working out again.  I’m learning to cook new things.  I’m traveling.  I’m grateful.. so very grateful, but I’m open too.

Confused?  Yeah.  I get that.

8 Comments

  1. I totally get what you’re saying. I cannot be the “nail & bail” type, nor do I want to be used like that either. There has to be some sort of a connection for me to actually enjoy myself to the fullest. To me, none of that was confusing at all.

    Like

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