A long time ago RollerGirl said to me “you might have to accept that everything you want might actually be possible, and you might actually get it”. I’m in a weird place of seeing that this is actually possible, and fearing feeling that. I’ve been wrong before, clearly. But I’m seeing that I need to change my perspective on this too. Is it wrong to trust someone and build something and have lots of love and hope and dreams if it doesn’t equal forever? If one of the parts of the dream is forever and what you get is most of the other parts of the dream, maybe for years, is is all worthless because it wasn’t forever? To be fair, I don’t think past relationships that ended were “worthless” but yes, part of me considers the fact that it’s over as evidence that it failed, in a way. I’m thinking this particular thought might not only be unhelpful… it might just be inaccurate.
Okay, in less pie-in-the-sky musings.. I’m thinking this. Right now I’m feeling elated and happy and excited that things are going so well. I’m very happy in my relationships. Traveler and I talked for the first time in a not abstract way about being a family and a mutual desire to live together someday. We’ve talked more generally about future dreams before, but this time we talked about US. It surprised and delighted me. I loved that he has been thinking about that too. It made me feel secure in a way, that this is something to him too. That it’s not just having fun. He talked about practical things, and I felt a little knot somewhere inside loosen. Maybe I don’t need to be afraid that I’m out here alone. Maybe, just maybe, it’s okay to feel all the things I’m feeling and maybe I’m not setting myself up. This beautiful man, this good kind decent fun simple complex thoughtful man, he might want the things I want too, and he might want them with me. I don’t know what it would look like and I have no rush to make it happen, but it was a reassurance that we are building something. It’s not just in my head.
When Cleveland and I talked about it, about Traveler and I having that conversation, it was a tiny trigger for him, a twinge. He was happy and supportive, but a little part of him asked “what would that mean for me?”. A tiny bit was jealous. He too has thought in a general way about why he might like from his relationships someday. I don’t know. Maybe if I were lucky enough to have Traveler and Cleveland, I’d build something with Cleveland too. We’d have to figure out what worked best for everyone. The point is.. it’s a possibility that we could figure out. It’s a possibility too.
Now, with Boss, I have no idea. I know I like him. I know I like talking to him and I like fucking him. And cuddling him was pretty fucking awesome too. I’m completely okay with letting that be whatever it is. It’s good. I have no designs. I don’t feel an urge to hold that down or stunt it, or to make it into anything it isn’t intrinsically.
So.. I’m happy in my relationships (and whateverships… don’t worry Boss). And that’s when this thing kicks in. Uh oh. I’m really happy. I want something. Shit. Stop wanting! If you want it too much it will not happen or will blow up or will stop or… something. Fear. Brain, show me all the ways this can end badly so I will be prepared. Heart, pull back and close up a little. Foot, stay there outside the door. We can’t lean in too far because we might get hurt. And I have the push/pull of enjoying the joy I’m feeling and going for it and loving and wanting and caring, and of looking at all the times I was “wrong” and hurt and embarrassed and ashamed that I’d wanted something, and thinking about people and situations that proved untrue.
That fear steals some of my happiness in every relationship I’ve ever been in. Shit.. it steals my joy at every happiness. Love your job? There is a part of me that knows it will change and fears the end. Have a great circle of friends? I know it will one day end.
It’s healthy to keep your wits about you and I don’t think I should stop doing that. It’s healthy to be reasonable and not lose yourself in people and places and things. Being self-reliant is a good thing. But maybe it’s a matter of degree. Maybe instead of fearing the end of things even in the beginning and watching with vigilance for the end, with one foot ever out of the door, maybe I can accept that I might only enjoy this or that thing or person for a limited time and decide to enjoy it anyway. I do that already.. but maybe I could do it better still. And maybe while enjoying it, knowing it could end and being okay with that, know too maybe some things won’t end, and that’s good too, but maybe that doesn’t need to be the ultimate goal. Maybe it doesn’t matter as much as I think it matters in those few situations if it ends. Maybe the end is beside the point.
I’m already halfway there. I’ve been able to enjoy most things, even knowing they are temporary. But I’m seeing that I could do this more with my more romantic committed type things. With Boss, I’m still super aware that I have no idea how long our association will be or what it will be and I’m perfectly okay with that. I hope that we both enjoy whatever we are for as long as that’s a good thing and I don’t feel anything about the idea that it may end. I love it for what it is. I feel that about friendships, knowing in the past that my Army career or Hubby’s Navy career would move us every couple of years and that most friendships would at least fade, and few would last beyond moves and time and such. It’s a natural order of things and I am completely okay with it. I know my job will change and I enjoy it for what it is now and know I’ll probably enjoy most of my job situations to come, because I’m wired that way. I make the best of most situations and am generally happy.
When things are closer to the bone though… when we are talking about really belonging, it brings up a thing in me. To be fair, it’s way better than it was, but I’m seeing I have more growth to do here, and part of that involves understanding that even in the BIG L- Love relationships, they aren’t failures because they ended. Because they didn’t last forever, even when we wanted them to, doesn’t mean we were wrong about them.
I knew they weren’t failures, but they felt like something close to that. “But we planned x and y and talked about a future together!”. Well. Yes. We didn’t get as far into that future as we may have liked and that felt like I had been wrong about them or wrong about us. It felt like I’d made a mistake trusting and loving them. This is where my error lies. It’s not a mistake or an error or even an off-judgement to believe something could work a certain way and then having that not be true when the future actually happens. None of us knows the future and I’m not stupid for trying. The trying was valuable. I’ve never been in a relationship where I didn’t learn something. And regardless of how it all winds up, I’ve never fake-loved anyone. The love I felt and gave was real. And you know, even when they ended and it hurt, it didn’t break me and maybe it won’t. So, maybe even in really important relationships it’s about going for it with gusto and being okay if you get or don’t get what you want. Maybe it’s about accepting impermenance there too, even if that’s not the goal.
I am aware that this seems like a really simple thing, and I suppose it is. I don’t regret any of my relationships, and I’ve had some doozies. I’ve said this forever. We are almalgums of our experiences and those experiences made me what I am today, and whatever I am, I actually like myself. I’m proud of what I’ve become and of who I am. I am a person of incredible strength, but I’m soft and loving too. I’m creative and logical and honest. I’m a person of good character. I have honor. I’m very imperfect and always always always growing. I think that’s a good thing to be.
I’m embarrassed sometimes of the naive and hopeful things I’ve said here in this blog. I’m embarrassed at the way I gushed about my feelings for Great Date or for Hubby. It just feels awkward, some of the things I said that turned out to be wrong. Some of them were really really wrong in fact. But should I be embarrassed? Really? Is it shameful to love someone or believe the best of them? Is it bad or wrong or ugly to think that the things people say are true? Or that they mean it when they dream with you? Shit. Maybe they did. In fact, I’m thinking they probably did mean it. If it later changed or it just didnt’ work or even if it fell apart when they were cruel, it is what I felt at the time, and I’m grateful that after everything I can still do it.. can still open my heart like that. There’s a strength in that too.