I had this excellent talk with a metamour (lover’s lover) today, about all kinds of things. She was thinking about some things I was lucky to listen and ask questions and explore and feel with her a bit. I’m here at my brother’s, enjoying my family and a really nice relaxing visit, and I’ve had a lot of time to think. We talked about hard stuff, some Cadillac problems, and some common ground. I have to admit.. I’m falling so in love with her. And no, we are not fucking. But her love is so fulfilling.
I’m in this place where I’m not ready and not really wanting to change much of anything, but I’m enjoying imagining what could be. It comforts and thrills me and makes me feel better in all of these ways to think “what are the options for my life?”. For a while it just felt like wreckage. Everything I wanted and everything I made were shards and it hurt so much to think about that. And I began to see all the possibility in that. I could make lots of choices, but boiled down, I could choose to rail against the things I didn’t like and tear my hair out screaming why, or I could decide to begin the long slow process of healing and ultimately growth that such losses bring. I could render good from all of this. There was and is the terrifying and exhilarating possibility of ANYTHING, but that is little comfort. I know I don’t want to marry again, and I don’t want to be alone, so what does that leave? Actually.. a lot.
One of the things we talked about was inclusion. My heart was just bursting at the thought of it. I wept with joy at my keyboard at one point. I had all this happiness for her and this feeling of love and acceptance and my own heart opening. I loved her for talking to me and for being real with me. I loved her for her fierce and beautiful love for the men in her life and her desire to be as inclusive and supportive and loving to them as possible. She wants to be sure they feel loved and that nobody loses. I loved her for her telling me a little of her thoughts and fears and joys. I loved her for the care she shows our mutual love. I loved her for her loving soul. I loved her for making me feel special and included. And I really loved her for daydreaming with me a little.. talking about things we’d both like now and distant maybes. She made my fondest heart’s wishes feel like viable options among all of the options.
We talked a bit about meeting wants and needs in poly, and all day long I thought about all the needs and wants SHE fills in me. I needed a confidant that gets it and someone who would trust me to be there for them. I needed someone else who thinks this stuff. I needed someone who can face and deal with this stuff in themselves and their relationships and talk about it. I need people who wouldn’t judge me or use my weakness against me, and who had my best interests at heart. I needed someone trustworthy to trust me. I needed this open heart. I’m making my family with the romantic relationships and friendships and supporters in my life, and I needed her in it. I think I might talk to them about Ohana and Hui. I like the benefit and responsibility of Ohana. I like the love and acceptance of Hui.